Without You

44. We're Worth It

A/N - OK, so massive, massive apologies for the unconscionably long wait between updates. I had a bit of writer's block going on, and maybe a little bit of a confidence crisis, too, but I've managed to recover and I'm back writing again. I've started college again, though - just began my final semester on Wednesday, and it's an utter nightmare in terms of the workload. A bit terrified I won't actually get it all done, but that's another topic altogether! 😬😭

So, apologies for leaving you on a cliffhanger for so long....But here's the next chapter. Hopefully it doesn't disappoint! No promises, but I'm going to try my best to go back to my steady schedule of weekly updates during the next 15 weeks. Enjoy! -H. x

"I-, I can't fix the past, Declan, but I can try and fix us??"

Dec shrugged, shoving his hands into his pockets and huddling into himself, mumbling so quietly Ant could barely hear him, "It-...it's not that s-simple, Ant....We're so...broken....A-, and...the f-future, it scares the pants off us...I'm sick of it all...I, I c-can't do it anymore, Ant, I just can't...."

Ant squeezed Dec's shoulder, seeming unwilling to let go of his friend. "You can do it, though, Dec," he fixed Dec with an incredibly loving gaze, "You've beaten this before, remember, kidda? I know things are different now, there's a lot going on you've not dealt with before – and that's all my fault – but I promise I'll be there for you from now on. I'm not gonna let you go ever again."

"D'you really mean that, though?" Dec raised his uncertain gaze, taking in Ant's face wet with tears, long eyelashes matted together. "Why do you care?!"

Ant huffed out an incredulous laugh. "Why?? Because I love you to bits, pal, that's why! You mean everything to me, it hurts like hell knowing I've done this to yous, that I've hurt you so bloody much you don't want to live. And I know it doesn't feel like it, I know I've misused your trust and you prob'ly think I'm lying again, but it's true. I...I messed up...And I don't know what our future holds..."

Dec shuddered, wrapping one arm around his torso in a self-hug as a flash of fear crossed his features, but his eyes remained glued to Ant's as he continued on, only faltering slightly, "But...no matter what happens, erm, ya know, professionally...I need you, Dec...Not as a, a w-work partner or, or owt else like that, but as me-, me one true friend in life...Th-that's who you've always been...and, I know I've failed at bein' that for you, a-and I've taken ya for granted...Ya p-prob'ly h-hate us...but...."

Ant shakily breathed in, clearly struggling to rein in his emotions. "You're me best pal, I want us to grow old together, I want us to move into that old folk's home together like we've joked about for years...And...I don't know if ya s-still lo-ve us, Dec, if you even want us as a f-friend anymore, but...I-, I want to start over, pet, I want to find us again, I want to right me wrongs. I want us to go back to how we were – those inseparable best mates who could talk about anythin' for hours, always messin' about like daft idiots and just, ya know, bein' us....I know I don't deserve another chance, but-"

His next words were cut off by a small body colliding with his, almost winding him with its force as he stumbled backwards, nearly losing his balance. A tiny, muffled, emotional voice drifted through the air. "I love you."

Ant broke down completely, the comforter now becoming the comforted as he clung to Dec, weeping like a child. "It's just been s-s-so h-hard," came a small, insecure voice, "E-every day...is a s-strug-gle...I-, I ...I d-don't know...how to c-cope w-without...you....I-I've m-...missed you...s-s-so much....I-, I thought I'd lo-st you...and...I don't...I c-can't live without you, Ant, I just can't...."