Without You

23. He Had to Be Fine

A/N - Wowsers - this story has hit 3K reads!!! Thank you all so much - whether you vote, comment, or just plain read this story, all three mean so much to me! It's mind boggling that something I'm writing is getting such a tremendous amount of attention! So hopefully this chapter is okay. I'm looking forward to continuing this story and taking it to its plotted out end (yes, I do have a specific end in mind now!)...I hope you'll all stick along for the ride! Anyway, enjoy, and thank you again! 💗

3am...8am...4,000 miles apart, two different time zones, and two very different climates. The only thing connecting the two locations was the two men...whose only thoughts were of each other. One was already up, taking a shower. The other was still lying in bed, tossing and turning feverishly.

Friday had been a quiet day of deep introspection for one of the friends, while for the other it had been a hectic, overwhelming day full of rehearsals and last-minute problems. Regardless of the vast difference between the pace of the two men's days, however, both had found their activities to be utterly draining. Yet neither one had found solace in sleep Friday night, both having far too much on their minds to allow them to rest.

Ant's restlessness was caused by the severe turmoil that had been roiling inside him ever since his and Linda's talk on Thursday evening. He couldn't quite reconcile himself to what he was being asked to do. All his life, he'd put others' feelings and needs above his own. And Dec had been at the very top of his priority list, right alongside Ant's immediate family members. It was hard to fathom a life in which he put himself first, yet that's what he was being told he should do. Truthfully, he'd had a bit of a teary breakdown during one of his therapy sessions on Friday afternoon when Mark began a, quite frankly, brutal discussion with him about the importance of prioritizing himself over everyone else.

If he was honest, Ant was confused. Caring for others was an integral part of him – he'd been forced to become the man of the house at the tender age of 10, and ever since then he'd been looking after those closest to him, whether his own family or his deeply bonded best friend, Dec. How could changing such a profoundly ingrained essence of his nature be a good thing? And how did one even go about putting themselves before others? It was utterly foreign, and every fibre of his being protested against it. But Mark, and even Linda, were adamant that he needed a serious life attitude change if he wanted to get better and stay better. So he was trying to work out how to change, despite being deeply troubled.

But he found it was impossible to shut off the part of his mind, the massive chunk of his heart, which was owned solely by a cheeky little guy named Declan Donnelly. He would give his life for that man in a heartbeat. He couldn't stop thinking, worrying, caring about him. It would be like killing part of himself to ignore Dec's needs. Yet somehow he was torn. He wanted nothing more than to find health and happiness again, but now everyone was telling him that, in order to do that, he had to change the way in which he interacted with the one person who had been a major – and sometimes the sole – reason for his happiness over nearly three decades. He loved Dec unconditionally, he'd made a pledge to always look out for him, to be there for him no matter what. It was like a marriage vow, what they'd promised each other all those years ago, except somehow even more binding. Ant couldn't imagine a life without Dec, without looking after Dec.

Dec always acted strong, happy, carefree on the outside, but he was so much more complex on the inside. He was very sensitive and easily hurt, he needed others looking out for him...Specifically, Ant. Yes, he had Ali now – and of course he had his large immediate family – but only one person truly understood him and how his mind worked. And that person was Ant. And Ant knew that, if it came right down to it, he could never not put Dec first if his friend needed him. So he was deeply conflicted, lost in a sea of confusion and unable to make sense of what he was being told his future needed to look like in order to better guarantee a healthy life. It was eating him alive.