Without You

19. It's Tearing Him Apart

A/N - Apologies for the lack of updates. RL has been not so great recently, and I've just not been in the right frame of mind for writing. Sadly, I'm nowhere near finished writing this story - I've had so much stuff going on with trying to line up an internship for a class that starts today (and no, I still haven't found one), that I just haven't been able to work on this as much as I would have liked. So, fingers crossed I will find time to write in between coursework. And good thoughts and energy would be coveted - I really don't want to have to push my graduation date back by 7 months! 😭 Anyway! Here's an update for y'all - hope you like it!

Dec melted into the hug, resting his head against Ant's chest, forehead pressed to his neck, soaking in the warmth of his embrace. He felt so safe and loved, it was just what he needed. Closing his eyes, he took in a deep breath, inhaling Ant's familiar scent, feeling himself relaxing further as tension ebbed out of his body.

Ant chuckled lightly, pressing a loving kiss to his hair, squeezing him a bit tighter. "I'm never gonna let ya go, you know," he teased, locking his arms around his smaller friend and swaying them from side to side.

Dec grinned, opening his eyes and cranking his neck so that he could look up at his cheeky friend. "Yeah? Think I'm fine with that, I'm quite happy." He snuggled closer to Ant again, eliciting another fond chuckle that rumbled gently through Ant's chest. He just loved this man so much, there were times he felt his heart would burst. And he knew Ant felt the same. Their bond was just so strong after so many years together, so many shared experiences; it was unbreakable.

Finally trying to pull away, Dec found he was trapped, Ant laughing as he held him tight for another second before letting him go. Dec fixed Ant with an annoyed little pout, muttering, "Knob." But both of them knew he didn't mean it, and he giggled a moment later, sticking his tongue out at Ant. Ant made a grab for it, but Dec easily evaded his clumsy try. "You'll never catch me, ya know," he giggled, eyes dancing with mirth as Ant shook his head at him and rolled his eyes.

He loved these little moments of childish play between him and Ant, when it was just the two of them, messing around like they'd done since they were 13. Ant made one more grab at his tongue before giving up, trapping him in a tight side hug. Dec looked up at Ant, eyes smiling. "I love ya, really," he grinned, resting his head against Ant's shoulder and closing his eyes. "Love ya, too, pet," Ant murmured, tipping his head so that it was resting against Dec's. Dec felt utterly at peace, happy and relaxed, letting out a contented sigh. These were the moments he lived for.

Dec slowly opened his eyes, tilting his head to look at his best friend, a warm smile on his face and a glowing happiness surging in his chest. And then he became aware of his surroundings, and his face fell. He was in a hotel room, lying on his side in bed, tightly hugging a pillow. And his alarm was going off. He was all alone. And Ant was 4,000 miles away.

Miserable, lonely tears stung at his eyes as he reached over to turn off his alarm, forcing himself out of bed a minute later. It was Thursday, 5 April. He'd been in Orlando for four days now, working hard at getting this show right for Ant. Everything was coming together fairly well, but he was still absolutely bricking it. His first solo show had been a massive ratings success – ITV had been very pleased – but he was still terribly insecure, and it was just so painful to be here without Ant. He missed him more every day. There were constant reminders of him everywhere he went. It physically hurt he missed him that much.

He was still suffering from the effects of his concussion, although the headaches were less severe and dizziness less frequent. But he was just so tired. He'd finally figured out after the second day of almost falling asleep during production meetings that it was the concussion making him even more tired than he already was. It wasn't just the built-up stress and sleepless nights catching up with him. And when they'd run through the End of the Show Show dance routine for the first time on Tuesday, he'd nearly fallen flat on his face. The quick movements of the dance, all of those swift twists and turns, had wreaked havoc with his dizzy brain, causing him to almost go down with his dance partner. He'd never been so embarrassed.