Without You

18. No More Regrets

A/N - Well, I promised you an update when I reached 2K views....So here it is! 😁 Thanks for all the support and lovely comments, as always! The response to this story has been amazing! 💗

It had been another quiet day filled with hard work and tough discussions. Hearing a gentle knock on his door, Ant looked up from the book he was currently engrossed in. "Come in," he called, watching expectantly as the door opened. A mop of brown curls poked around the door. "Mind if I pop in for a chat?"

"Sure," Ant smiled. He was glad of the company, although he had an idea of what she might be coming to talk about.

"So how are you doing today, my man?" Linda asked, giving him a bright smile. "Watcha reading?"

Ant gave her a small smile, holding up the motivational self-help book he was currently perusing. "Not doing too bad, I guess," he said, a sad undertone audible in his mellow voice. "Just the usual, really."

"The usual?" Linda questioned gently, kind eyes looking deep into Ant's as she sat down in the easy chair facing him. He was reclining on his bed, back to the headboard and a pillow tucked behind his head.

"Oh, ya know...Guilt, shame, anger at meself..." he trailed off, eyes distant, a pained, remorseful expression on his face. "Nothing new there, eh?"

"Ant...What's happened, there's nothing you can do to change that. You've gotta use those negative emotions to push yourself on, to motivate yourself to get better. Don't let 'em drag you down," Linda counseled quietly, catching the glint of raw emotion in Ant's eyes.

"Yeah, I'm trying, Linda, 's just hard, you know? And I want to be a better man, I can't live like that anymore, I want to start over, find meself again." Ant's words were earnest, the truth of his statement more than obvious in his honest, open expression.

Linda smiled at his determination, reassuring him, "You're doing great, Ant, we're all really pleased with your progress. There's no doubt in my mind you will win this battle." Hesitating for a moment, she continued with a wry little smile, "You're definitely being very honest these days..."

Ant's gaze shot up to meet hers, a sheepish look coming over him. Shifting uncomfortably, he remained silent, sucking at his lips and playing with the ripped dust jacket of the book in his hands. Biting his lip, he finally gathered the courage to speak. "Ya heard about that, did you? He didn't make trouble for you, did he?"

Linda laughed lightly, eyes sparkling with mirth. "No, of course not! Mark was utterly mortified afterwards – you made him rethink his entire career path!" Ant snorted, causing Linda to giggle mischievously before she continued, "Yes, he was a bit annoyed with me for breaking the rules, but once I explained everything he was fine. You're not in trouble, either. In fact, we think it may have been a good thing, this impromptu contact with Dec."

Raising an eyebrow at her, Ant cocked his head. "In what way?"

"Well, it made you realize what you want, it made you find a part of yourself that you didn't recognize anymore when you got here a couple weeks ago. If you remember, Ant, at that first therapy session you didn't know who you were or what you wanted. You were completely lost."

Ant nodded, a horrible, haunted look coming into his eyes as he remembered those dark, dark days immediately after being admitted to hospital. "I didnae wanna live anymore," he said, Geordie accent thickening with emotion, his tortured gaze fixing itself on the duvet.

"Well, yes, but you had no identity, Ant. You'd lost everything you had – or so you thought – and you no longer recognized who you used to be or who you wanted to be. From what Mark was saying, it sounds like you've decided you want to eventually go back to working with Dec?"