Without You

33. Look After Yourself

A/N - ⚠ Slight trigger warning for this chapter. Thanks for reading! ❤😬🤐

"Dec, sweetheart, I really don't think you should be watching this," Ali suggested gently, placing a comforting hand on his chest and feeling the way it rose and fell far too rapidly, her concerned gaze sweeping over him and stopping at his eyes, which belied the panic he was feeling underneath the surface. 

It was 1:31pm, and Dec and Ali were sitting on the sofa in their villa living room, the TV on but muted. Dec had tuned in to Sky News five minutes ago, immediately wincing when the first thing that met his eyes was a live shot of the Wimbledon Magistrates Court with several police officers lining the steps to the courthouse. He'd had the volume on for the first 30 seconds, but as the reporter started rehashing everything that had happened, he'd hurriedly muted it, unable to bear hearing it all again.

Ant's hearing was at 2:00pm, and he was due to be arriving at the courthouse within the next 10 minutes or so. Dec felt sick with anxiety, nausea surging in his gut and prickles spreading out through his arms and legs. He probably shouldn't be watching this play out live, but he couldn't not watch, either. This was his only chance to see Ant until he was released from rehab – supposedly still on the 26th, as he'd not heard anything to the contrary as of yet – and he actually just needed to make sure he was okay, that everything went smoothly and he got into the building safely....unlike in his dream.

Images from his nightmare flashed through his mind again, and he whimpered involuntarily, crunching his eyes shut against the blinding pain the thought of losing Ant brought to his heart. He thought back to the text message he'd gotten from Simon a few hours ago, saying that Ant was fine and said to tell him that he would see him very soon and "loves him to bits"...Dec bit his lip as those words floated through his mind. He could hear Ant saying those exact words in his head – he'd said them to him so many times over the years, after all – and it brought a warm glow to his stinging heart that left him with a small smile on his face and a slight calming of the racing of his heart.

It was only a brief respite, however, as his attention was drawn back to the TV screen as a terribly familiar black van appeared, pulling up to the curb as a literal sea of cameras started flashing, lighting up the side of the van like it was in the midst of a lightning storm. Dec's heart started hammering right out of his chest, blood rushing through his ears and breath getting caught in his chest. He felt like he was going to throw up and pass out at the same time, but he ignored it all, eyes glued to the screen. Without even thinking, he reached over and unmuted the telly at the exact moment one of Ant's bodyguards hopped out of the passenger seat and opened the sliding door of the van.

The first man out was Paul, one of their management team, and then there he was....Ant. Dec's heart leapt into his throat as his best friend climbed out of their van, flanked on either side by security, looking absolutely sick, guilt-ridden, like he wanted to cry. No, it was more than that. He looked broken, too, like a terrified animal going to slaughter. As cameras flashed and reporters shouted, Ant rapidly climbed up the steps to the courthouse, followed by their PR and legal teams as well as his friend and PA, Anne-Marie. As the doors closed behind Ant, leaving just a gaggle of reporters and paps outside the court, Dec rocketed up out of his comfortable seat on the couch, legging it to the bathroom even as retches began wracking his body.

Falling to his knees in front of the toilet, Dec brought up the small amount of food he'd managed for breakfast and lunch, soon having nothing left to vomit up but bile, the sour taste and smell of sick permeating his senses. Feeling Ali's caring arms slipping around his middle, Dec fell into her warm embrace, crying bitterly into her chest. "How, Al, how did this happen? Why couldn't I prevent it? What did I do wrong? Why was I not enough??"