Without You

20. It was His Fault

A/N - I just want to say a big thank you to everyone for your input on update frequency - and for your understanding and patience! You're all fabulous!! I'm really excited to post updates since I have several chapters written, but at the same time I want to keep ahead in my writing in case there are weeks when I can't get much done. So for now, here's the next chapter for you...Enjoy! 

Dec was having a seriously tough time of it today. Just trying to get through without breaking down was becoming more of a struggle the longer the day went on. And it was only 9am now. There was just so much hurt swirling around inside of him, plus the lyrics from that song kept surfacing every so often, causing him to be exceedingly emotional. The dream he'd had earlier that morning was making things so much harder. He just kept craving Ant, and no matter how hard he tried to squash it down, the need to have Ant by his side, to be safe within his arms like in his dream, got stronger and stronger. And yet that just made him want to cry, since Ant was 4,000 miles away, and even if he weren't, Dec still wouldn't be able to see him. For at least another 3 weeks.

Viciously pushing down his emotions – there was work to be done! – Dec swallowed hard and tried to focus back on the topic of conversation. And then he felt a hand on his shoulder and a cheery, "Good Morning!" filled his ears. Acting on instinct, Dec shrugged off the hand and curled in on himself slightly. That was the last person he wanted to see right now.

"Hey, what's wrong? What did I do?" Stephen Mulhern pouted, sounding incredibly hurt by Dec's rejection.

Dec couldn't speak, suffocated by his guilt and missing Ant more than ever, the papers' cruel words circulating in his brain and causing him ever more pain. "Don't touch me," he finally choked out, unable to look Stephen in the eye.

"But we were having a laugh last night, I don't understand what's happened?" Stephen questioned again, more insistent and sounding a tiny bit angry now, too.

Sending a pleading look at Georgia, his and Ant's manager, Dec bit his lip hard but remained silent. He knew if he said even just one word right now he'd either break down or start shouting, and he really didn't want to do either. Stephen had done nothing wrong. It was himself he was angry with. And the press. But that was nothing unusual. This had just been a more painful hit than they'd made in a while.

Georgia nodded understandingly – she and Rachel had figured out part of the reason for Dec's heightened fragility today pretty quickly – and pulled Stephen aside, speaking to him quietly and gesturing occasionally towards Dec, who was still unwilling to make eye contact with his friend. It just felt like betraying Ant after everything the tabloids had written. He knew that was stupid and that he shouldn't let them get to him, but he couldn't help it. They'd struck a very raw area inside his heart with their callous words, and now he just couldn't shake the pain.

Georgia and Stephen were whispering back and forth, clearly not wanting Dec to hear this part of their conversation. Out of the corner of his eye, Dec could see Stephen looked upset, mortified even. After another moment of hushed conversation, Stephen made his way over to Dec, an apologetic look on his face. "I'm sorry, mate," he began, being careful not to encroach on Dec's personal space, "You know I'd never try and replace Ant. No one can do that. Those b******* will say anything to sell their rag."

Dec nodded, eyes glistening, forcing himself to meet Stephen's eyes for a moment before looking away again. No one could ever replace Ant, whether as his work partner or as his best friend. Swallowing hard, Dec took a moment to compose himself. He was a breath away from breaking down again. "Erm...Y-yeah, I know," he stammered out, "It's just...." His throat closed on him again, shutting down his ability to speak.