Without You

21. He Blamed Himself

A/N - Well...Another week has passed already and it's time for an update! There is a slight trigger warning for this chapter, be warned. Thank you, as ever, for all of your lovely comments and for taking the time to read this monstrosity of a book! –H. x

The day was just dragging by. No doubt about it, it was a very busy day, but it just seemed to be taking forever for the minutes to tick by. Dec was struggling mightily on the inside, despite being the ever consummate professional on the outside. In fact, everything was moving along quite smoothly – they were even on schedule for once. The producers and directors were pleased with how well filming of bits and pieces of the show was going – it looked like it was all coming together nicely to be a spectacular show on Saturday.

The only person on the team who wasn't excited about the show was Declan Donnelly, who was slipping deeper and deeper into a depressed funk the longer the day went on. This whole day had been awful from the very start. The only bright spot had been his dream about Ant, and that had only been good until he'd woken up and found it wasn't real. 

His psyche was smarting from the conversation he'd overheard earlier in the day – it had become all he could think about whenever he wasn't concentrating on filming or discussing things with the crew. The more he thought about it, the more he was convinced their crew member had been right. This was all his fault and he was a useless presenter on his own. He didn't deserve the public's sympathy or support. And they were fickle, anyway. The public could love you one day and then throw you out on your ear the next. That's probably what was going to happen to him very soon, if not this very weekend.

The one thing that kept him pushing onwards through his inner pain and self-doubt was the thought that he had to get this show perfect for Ant. He doubted Ant would turn against him, even if he failed to save their career. Even if the rest of the world hated them, they'd still have each other. And at the end of the day, that's all he really needed. Ant.

The career paled in comparison to his friendship with Ant. He could live without one and not the other. If it came down to it, he'd ditch the career in favor of saving his relationship with Ant. Or saving Ant. He blamed himself for what had happened, there was no doubt about that. No, not for the drink driving – that was all on Ant – but the public breakdown of his friend was in no small part down to him, he was sure of it. Well, ITV had definitely played a role, too. And their sponsors. It couldn't be all his fault, surely? They'd both been under so much pressure last year when Ant was in rehab and I'm a Celebrity... was fast approaching. But he'd been weak. He'd not stood up for Ant, told them to cancel the series when it became obvious that Ant wasn't better.

It was all his fault. He could have prevented this. If he'd gone solo, or maybe paired up with someone else....But no, that sounded too horrid to even contemplate. Replace Ant with someone else on I'm a Celebrity...?! That was something he couldn't fathom doing. And Ant had wanted to come back last year, hadn't he? But he should have told him no. He should have stopped him. But he hadn't. And now look where it had landed them. Ant with a criminal record, their good name besmirched forever by an indefensible deed. It still blew his mind that Ant had actually done that. That he'd actually been so irresponsible as to drive while under the influence of alcohol. And he still got tremendously angry every time he thought about it. There was a constant companion to his anger, though. Guilt.

He was making his way across the park with Georgia – who was uncharacteristically quiet, but he couldn't be bothered to ask why – heading over to the large trailer which had become Takeaway headquarters this week. There was yet another production meeting to attend, plus they had to go over some footage they'd shot earlier. His throat was tight and his eyes were stinging, he was utterly exhausted and had developed a banging headache at some point during the day, but no one knew. On the outside, he just looked tired and stressed, which was totally understandable given the situation he found himself in these days.