Without You

24. I Need You

A/N - So, here's another update for you. I'm struggling a bit at the moment with feeling a little insecure in my writing, and I'm not sure I'm happy with this, but hopefully it's not too awful lol. Thanks for all the lovely comments on the previous chapter!! ❤❤

1:50pm, Eastern Daylight Time. The sky was gray, murky, the hot air heavy with humidity. The show hadn't even started yet, and Dec was already sweating. He was beyond thankful to be wearing a black shirt – he'd never have gotten through with a light-colored shirt. He would have died of embarrassment. But he had bigger things to worry about at the moment than sweat patches showing through his shirt. He'd thought he was doing better than last week, nerves-wise....But if anything, he seemed to be doing almost just as poorly. He felt sick, the few bites of the cold cuts sandwich he'd forced down at noon causing his poor stomach to vigorously rebel now he was mere minutes from going live to the nation all alone for the second time in as many weeks.

His heart felt like it was going to beat right out of his chest, and the chest pains were back again. Not quite as intense as they had been during his meltdown on Monday, but they were there, just like they had been during the script meeting. He was ignoring it all, though. Or trying to. And that other thing....He was just going to ignore that, too. Pretend it didn't exist for as long as he possibly could.

Turning quickly as he heard his name being called, Dec stepped over to the beckoning crew member to have one final check of his mic. The sudden movement caused dizziness to envelope him for a moment, eliciting a tiny growl at the back of his throat. He'd been doing a bit better recently, less dizzy and headaches not quite as frequent – although not much lessened in severity. He didn't have much of a headache so far today, but of course the dizziness would come back just in time for the live show. Of course it would.

Stephen Mulhern and Scarlett Moffatt were now joining him backstage, ready to go on stage for the show's opening number. Only 5 minutes to go. Dec's heightened stress level was playing havoc with his poor, overworked heart, and the palpitations were coming thick and fast...As was the nausea that was threatening to overwhelm him. But he was stubbornly trying to pretend none of it existed – instead cheerily waving to the crowd whilst waiting backstage for the show to start. 

He was incredibly touched by the deafening cheers that followed him everywhere he went today. He didn't feel worthy of the crowd's adoration, but it was a nice little morale booster after everything that had gone on the past few days. He just hoped they kept cheering until the show ended, that they – and the whole of the UK back home – didn't manage to suss out that he was rubbish on his own. He wouldn't be able to cope if things went pear-shaped while Ant was watching.

Dec blew out a tense breath, shifting his weight nervously from side to side while staring at the ground. He really hoped he would manage to get through this opener without either breaking down or throwing up. He didn't fancy his chances at the moment. Then Stephen headed in his direction, and Dec forced himself to meet his eyes. "Good luck, Dec," Stephen offered with a small smile, his usual joviality uncharacteristically absent. "Go out there and smash it," he finished, leaning down to give Dec a warm, one-armed hug which Dec returned woodenly, patting Stephen on the back for a brief moment before pulling away. Scarlett was right behind Stephen, and Dec swooped in quickly to give her a smile and a kiss on the cheek before turning away again.

He ignored the burning, all-encompassing ache brought on by the absence of the one hug he needed more than any other: Ant's. They always shared a reassuring embrace before every show, each gaining strength and courage from the other's tight hold. Dec missed that feeling of safety, of completeness, more than anything, but there was no succor to his anxiety today, just like last week. He was all alone.