Without You

5. 'Til I'm Done

A/N - This chapter is a little dark in places, so slight trigger warning for that. And in case you're wondering, yes, I have done my research...😉😂

7:00PM, Florence Nightingale Hospital in Lisson Grove, London. There was an epic battle being waged in one of the tastefully decorated, private inpatient rooms. Not a physical one so much as a mental one. This rehab facility was very different to the one Ant had been in last year. Here, all patients' rooms were equipped with a fully functional television set, and access to wireless internet was available to all residents, both in their private rooms and in the communal room. Visitors were also allowed, although in some cases it was decided that a policy of no visitors was best for certain residents. Ant just happened to be one of those residents on the "No Visitors" list. Simply because it was decided by his team that he needed a complete detox from everyone in his life. He needed to isolate himself, find his own strength rather than relying on others.

So for Ant, it was a terribly lonely existence, even though he enjoyed socializing with a handful of the other inpatient therapy residents. But the facility's team had made it clear to all the other patients that Ant was to be left alone unless he sought out their company – this was simply due to his A-list celebrity status and the fact that his arrival had caused quite a stir in the little inpatient community. He was here to get away from all of that, to find himself again and start turning his life around. Being pestered for autographs or celeb stories would be extremely detrimental to his recovery.

And even though he had access to both the internet and TV – and had had the option to bring his laptop with him to the facility – Ant had refrained from indulging in either since he'd arrived here 10 days ago. He knew if he went on the internet he'd never be able to stop from googling himself and reading what the press and public thought of him. He knew there must be a tremendous amount of hatred towards him after what he'd done – and he knew he deserved every bit of it – and that his reputation must surely be ruined beyond repair. Dec, bless his heart, had told him repeatedly that everything would be okay, that he'd save Ant's career for him, but Ant was convinced it was no longer salvageable. He'd well and truly f***ed it up this time. There was no going back now.

As for watching TV, Ant had been tempted a few times to tune into his favorite cooking shows or catch an episode or two of Corrie for old time's sake – he and Dec would always watch Coronation Street together during their break between the live semifinal and the results show of BGT – but had resisted. TV was his life – had been his life – for nearly 25 years. And now with his career basically over, it just hurt too much to watch others with successful television gigs, knowing he could never make it onto telly again.

But now, as the clock struck 7PM and Ant opened his eyes after his fervent prayer on Dec's behalf, he had never been more tempted to turn on the small flat screen TV hung on the wall above his desk. Should he? It would hurt so much to see their show, to see Dec on screen without him. But he needed to see him, needed to know he was okay. Dec was a consummate professional, there was no doubt in Ant's mind he would get through the show tonight with no problems whatsoever. But he had seen the intense anxiety hiding underneath Dec's loving expression the last time they'd seen each other. And he knew what Dec was like in private. The public never really saw Dec's deeply vulnerable nature, his sensitive, private self that he hid behind his charm and winning smile. But Dec was a deeply emotional soul, he suffered from anxiety, and yes, he had suffered with occasional bouts of depression over the years. Just very few people knew about it.

Dec wore his heart on his sleeve a good part of the time, and he could be incredibly easy to read. But he was also very, very good at hiding his pain when he needed or wanted to. If you didn't know him the way Ant knew him, you'd never notice the signs. But they were there, and Ant always tried to be there for Dec whenever he noticed he was struggling. And Dec's private battles with mental health sometimes had required professional help. There were times when he'd nearly gone off the brink, when Ant was the only thing that had saved him from losing himself to his overwhelming despair. So Ant had definite reason to worry about his best friend, even though Dec had been insistent the last time they'd met that he would be "absolutely fine" and that Ant wasn't to worry about him at all.