Without You

38. Because I Love Him

A/N - Yes, I'm updating again already! Hope you enjoy, and thanks for all the support! 😁 -H. x

"C'mon, Dec, you've got to get going! Your appointment's at 11:00 and you've not even showered yet!" Ali fixed her despondent husband with an exasperated glare, shaking her head as she took in his mussed up, dirty hair, just his head and shoulders poking out of the fluffy blanket he'd wrapped himself up in on the couch earlier that morning. The first win of the day had been getting him out of bed – no mean feat these past few weeks – but then he'd totally shut down, half-heartedly sipping at a cup of tea but refusing any form of breakfast Ali could offer.

To be fair, he had been eating a bit more since his reunion with Ant a few days ago, but today was no normal day. He was going to his first counseling session with Linda...Or, he was meant to be, anyway. Ali was rapidly losing hope of managing to get him out the door on time – if at all – the way things were going.

Dec had said very, very little about his meeting with Ant. Something which had surprised Ali greatly, as she had been hoping against hope that just reuniting with Ant would make a big difference in Dec's mental health. In hindsight, however, she realized that was a rather unrealistic expectation, given that he and Ant were a bit on the rocks at the moment. Honestly, there'd been a few times over the last five weeks when Ali thought Dec was at the point of wanting to draw a line under his and Ant's relationship – call time on the friendship they'd shared for so long. But deep down, she knew he could never ever do that. He loved Ant too much to ever let him go.

When Dec got home from his time with Ant, he'd looked utterly drained – not that that was anything new – and very, very sad. Upon being pressed for an answer on how their meeting went, he'd merely shrugged, saying they'd talked for a while and then just watched some telly together.

There was a teeny tiny spark that flickered briefly in his eyes when he mentioned their time together in front of the telly, and a definite swell of pride in his eyes and voice when he told her that Ant looked "amazing" and was "very different" to how he'd been just a few weeks ago....But that was all he would say on the subject, proceeding to lock himself away in his office for two long hours, frightening Ali out of her wits. The only thing that kept her from fully panicking was the sound of her husband's sobs that drifted out to her from underneath the office door threshold.

By the time he finally emerged from his office, Dec's eyes were red and puffy, facial expression telling of pain, despair, and intense anxiety. She'd silently taken him into her arms, trying desperately to afford him the comfort he needed.

The next morning, he'd surprised her by getting up before 9am, taking his phone and padding into his office without a word, shutting the door behind him. Unable to stop herself from listening at the door, Ali's heart stuttered in her chest to hear him speaking with an ITV head, saying he and Ant had discussed BGT and had decided he would be presenting the live shows solo. That certainly did a lot to explain his endless tossing and turning throughout the night....And why he looked like a dead man walking when he finally pushed himself out of bed.

That had been on Friday. Now it was Monday, and Dec had barely slept at all. He looked awful, and he clearly felt awful, too, his features chalky and eyes dulled with fatigue. Ali was beyond worried. Dec hadn't heard a word from Ant since their meeting on Thursday, no texts, no calls, nothing. Ant had been papped whilst out in the park with Hurley and his PA, Anne-Marie, over the weekend – and Ali had to agree that Ant hadn't looked this healthy in years – but he'd not made any attempts at checking in on Dec. Something which surprised Ali more than she'd ever let on to Dec. She'd thought for sure Ant would be all over Dec, checking on him constantly, when he found out Dec had attempted suicide less than two weeks prior.