Without You

39. I Don't Trust Him

A/N - Gosh, this story is difficult to write at the moment. Thank you for sticking with it even though it's not a very cheerful read! I really appreciate all the support and kind comments - it's rather mindblowing that so many people are reading this, to be honest, so thank you!! ❤ -H. x

⚠⚠ Slight Trigger Warning ⚠⚠

"I feel like I'm drowning, Linda, I don't know what to do. I just want to die!"

Linda's heart stopped in her chest. Ant had warned her that Dec was a very honest man who didn't mince words, but-

"I wish I'd died, why did he have to go and stop me? Why am I so weak I can't even kill meself properly?!"

It took all of Linda's self-control not to suck in a sharp breath. She hadn't quite expected this type of brutal honesty from him. Not during their very first session. She had a sneaking suspicion that he just couldn't keep it all in anymore, that the floodgates were being shoved open and he couldn't stop the hurt from flowing out.

"Dec," Linda whispered gently, laying a careful hand on his trembling shoulder, "You're not weak, lovely, you're strong. When a person's in a really dark place, just getting up in the morning is massively hard. What you've done whilst struggling is mammoth! Think about it – a few short weeks ago, you presented two shows on live telly all by yourself for the first time ever! Facing your emotions head on like you're doing right now takes an immense amount of courage. And deciding to give life another chance when you don't want to go on...Well, that is an incredible feat. You're so, so strong, you just can't see it."

Linda hesitated, not sure if she should go down this route but feeling like she had no choice given what he'd just admitted to her. "Do you want to talk about why you're feeling suicidal? I'm not going to force you, but it might help to tell someone. I always found it did..."

The surprise that last sentence invoked in Dec was, well, quite surprising. His head whipped up, red eyes wide. "Y-you mean, y-you've felt like-, like this?" he stuttered out incredulously, fixing her with an intensely broken gaze.

Linda gave him a sad smile, nodding silently. "It's been a good decade or so, but yes. I remember it well. It's the worst, most confusing feeling in the world, because it's like you want to live, but at the same time you can't bear to go on...Or at least that's how it was for me, I can't speak for what others feel."

Dec sucked in a harsh breath, pressing the backs of his hands against his eyes. "I...It's...Erm..." His voice cracked, and he stopped abruptly. His tortured gaze met hers for a long moment. "I'm absolutely terrified."

"Do you know what of?" Linda questioned, keeping her facial expression open and encouraging, trying her best to make him feel enough at ease to share the deepest, darkest thoughts whirling around in his mind.

"Everything," he choked out, blinking rapidly, "Of going out on me own, of losing Ant, of being hurt again, of becoming a da-..." His voice broke off and a stifled sob broke past his lips as he buried his head in his hands again, fingers digging into his eyeballs in what seemed to be an attempt to stop the onslaught of emotion.

Linda moved from her comfortable seat, perching instead on the arm of Dec's chair, wrapping her arms around him in a gentle hug, surprised when he leaned into her embrace. She held him close for a long moment, giving him a final squeeze before letting go. It was becoming clearer every time Dec opened his mouth that what was going on inside of him was extremely complex and confusing. But it was all easily understandable, given what a massive upheaval his life had gone through – and was still undergoing currently. Even Linda's head was swirling, and she was on the outside looking in.