Astral Convergences

Lost and delirious

are you okay? 'cause i'm not...Cari's ep is amazing!! she did it! every song is a punch in the gut. our girl is so talented and deserves all the success in the world. she inspires me everyday and since i know her my life has changed. i had a shitty day yesterday but this fucking ep changed my mood completely. it's for people like her that i still believe in my dreams.

C pov

flashback

"Cari look at me"  Natalie's voice makes me cry even more...she grabs my chin and i open my eyes...she's taking off her jacket...i can't believe this is happening..but to my surprise, she places it around my shoulders, turning her back to me  "get dressed. then, you're gonna tell me what's happening". what? i'm shocked. i try to fix the mess on my face but it's hard 'cause i'm shaking. she's standing on her feet, looking at the wall...i grab my panties and start wearing them. when i'm done with my clothes, i take a deep breath, closing my eyes. my mind is trying to find explanations but i'm too confused. i take a step forward . "are you...dressed?"  "yeah..."  i can't even hear my voice...she walks to her desk, sitting down. we look at each other. she's serious..but i also can see sadness and concern in her eyes. my lips are quivering...she looks at me and i lower my gaze. "Cari...what's happening? why did you come here? i mean, is everything okay with...Shannon?"... my heart skips a beat, hearing that name. i bite my lip...i don't wanna collapse. "Cari...are you okay?"  i shake my head. "why...did you take your clothes off?".. for the first time since i'm in this office, i find the courage to raise my eyes  "because...i thought that you could put an end to Kelly's charge"  she furrows her eyebrows  "what charge?"  "she...she charged my wife, saying that Shannon took advantage of her when they worked together"  "oh fuck...is she serious?"  "yes...you...didn't know"  "no. umm...i broke up with her...she's a psycopath..and this just confirms it". i sigh loudly...i'm ridiculous. tears are streaming down my cheeks..i'm a cheater...i got naked in front of another woman..a woman who used to love me...Shannon's gonna die..and the worst part is that i thought to save my family. i'm a whore. "so, you came here, offering your body, thinking that i was part of Kelly's sick plan"  she says, with a disgusted face  "I'm sorry...i'm so scared to lose her...i can't...i can't". i start sobbing...she takes her face in her hands  "oh, Cari...you don't know me at all...i'm not able to do something like this..i mean, you have kids...as much as I could have loved you, i'm not that kind of woman."  "i'm sorry, Natalie...really"  i tell, whining. "come on...stop. nothing happened...i didn't look at you"  she says, chuckling...i raise my eyes, smiling through tears. "well...let's see what i can do to help you"  "no, forget it..i don't wanna put you in this"  "are you kidding me? i hate that bitch..she has vandalized my car"   i giggle  "oh..so you must be really angry"  "you don't know how..tell me everything".

she walks me to the door  "everything's will be okay"  "thank you Natalie...really"  we hug and then i leave her office.

back to present

I cried all my tears in this car...i have to fix this face..i don't want Shannon to get worried...Shannon...i repress a sob...my baby. thinking about earlier, i think i wouldn't have been able to go all the way with Natalie. i love my wife with all my soul..i can't stand another person next to me...but still...i was naked in Natalie's office...Shannon's gonna leave me..she's gonna lose her mind and i can't blame her..i lost mine just for a lipstick stain. another text from my love: "I feel like something happened..but maybe i'm paranoid". shit...she's so sensitive..how am i gonna tell her that i'm a whore? but mostly: how am i gonna tell her that Natalie is ready to help us? i sob again..and then, i wipe my face. i look at my phone screen and a little smile creeps onto my lips. i won't let her go away from me..i'll do anything.

I put my keys into the doorlock..my breath is shaking. when i step inside the house, my daughter welcomes me  "mommy!". i kneel down to grab her  "where are you going, you little kitten?". i look in the living room...no Shannon.. "where's mom?"  "Gay"  "okay..she's with your brother..let's go to them". "don't move, little boy...let me change your diaper"  i smile, hearing her talking with our son. i place a kiss on her shoulder  "jesus christ, Cari...i didn't hear you..oh my god"  "i'm sorry, Shanbee". she changes our baby and we get downstairs. i sit around the table to look at her while she cooks. i start caressing my son's hair... i need to relax. she looks at me  "how did it go?"  "what?"  "the meeting..what did you do at Capitol?"  "oh..umm..yes...good.i forgot my phone"  "it was a long meeting..usually you come back home sooner"  "yeah...we talked...about tour". she nods, cutting the onions. i feel bad. i reach her, wrapping my arms around her from behind. her scent makes me feel guilty.