Imagines

Untitled Part 101

You are my muse. All of my thoughts are consumed by you. That's why I'm killing a part of me today. Not allowing your scarce love and sprinkled promises that I accept hinder another.

It was a harsh rainy day, a tropical storm draped over the southeast for the majority of the week. The rain ricocheted off the tiny car like gun fire. The spirit of the drive paralleled the weather, a dark and potentially destructive force looming over head.

She studied him closely how his to tall and  lean body sort of  folds to fit in the cramped vehicle. His seatbelt cuts flatly across his blue patriots sweatshirt that concealed his wiry frame. It reminded her of a cartoon giraffe driving his to small car.

"Are you okay babe?" He asked his head turned slightly towards the passenger side. "You've been sitting over there staring at me and not saying anything for a minute now" he said.

She watched his chestnut eyes flicker between her and the road. A flash of lightning highlighted the golden specks that sprinkled through his eyes as well as the concern that quietly stirred. "You've been sitting over there this whole time not saying a word. I thought this is what you wanted" he questioned. "It is"  she said in false confidence. He looked her over seeing the lies all over her face, 'she could never hide her expressions' he thought. He sighed heavily while rubbing his thumb across the back of her hand.

She thought back to the fight they had just a few weeks ago. "This isn't just your decision, it's ours" he shouted tears threatening to run down his cheeks. "It's what's best" she called out with a shaky voice that contradicted everything she said. "Best for who?" he asked in a demanding tone. "Everyone involved. This baby would kill whatever this is. You come and go as you please and I allow it. But I won't allow you to bring that into another's life" she retorted calmly. "Fuck You. I would be a great father" he said one foot already out the door. The next thing she heard was the creaking car door open and the rough engine start.

It wasn't until yesterday he returned. She didn't ask him where he was or who he was with. All she knew was that he chose to come back and that was enough for her. It was his idea to do this today, before he lost his courage to do it at all.

Pulling up to the building brought her back to the present. She looked up at the 'Planned Parenthood' sign. She never thought she would be stepping into this building especially not for this but it was for the best.

As she sat in the chair patiently waiting to be called next he turned to her. She looked into those eyes of his that were now full of sadness. His broad nose taking up most of his face that she loved. His plump pink lips that curls into a smile after every kiss. His deep brown skin that was smooth to the touch. "We can still leave" he whispered to her. She just shook her head no.

She wanted this baby even more than he did. But she knew that if she were to have this baby she would lose him. He says he'll be here for her and the baby but she knows that a baby will just push him away further and further into the arms of another. She knows that she won't be available to him. She knows that a baby won't make him love her as he should.  With money already tight. With their so called relationship already on the downfall. With his infidelity issues. And with everything else going on a baby would absolutely break them. And losing him would kill her.

"Anderson" the nurse called out. 'This is it' she thought as she walked to the back room. As they waited for the doctor to finally come in he took her hand and smiled at her. "I love you" he whispered kissing her hand. 'Sure you do' she thought to herself "Love you too" she responded with the perfect fake smile.

As the doctor told her all the alternatives to abortion, the risks and what to do afterwards she just kept thinking about how she imagined her life. This was not it. Still in college working towards her two degrees and a masters. Still working minimum wage at the local library. Still asking her parents for money just to buy tissue to wipe her ass. Still eating roman noodles for almost every meal. Still feeling lost.

Next thing she knew the doctor was sedating her. The last thing she saw before being put to sleep was a tear rolling down his ebony cheeks. 'One for the million you've made me spill' she thought.

Waking up was a blur. It felt like she was on her period. The cramping and feeling the blood pouring out of her. "How do you feel?" he asked helping her into the tiny car. "Tired" she mumbled. During the car ride she went in and out of sleep. Feeling pot holes here and there. Remembering the automatic voice booming through the drive thru.

"Here you go" he said softly as he helped her crawl into the full size bed. "Here's your food if you get hungry. The remote for the tv and your phone. I asked Ms. Johnson down the hall to check on you every once in a while" he said in a rush. "Wait where are you going?" she asked confused. "I have some errands to run but i'll be back shortly" he smiled. She just turned her back to him knowing that this was another lie.

After three straight weeks of no contact she started to regret her decision. Maybe she was wrong, maybe this wasn't the way to keep him. Maybe now he wants nothing to do with her.  The next few days she felt like her life was over. He was in no way perfect but he was the best thing in her life. He just knew how to take her away from her problems and make everything seem okay. At this point of her life that was what she desperately needed.

Two days later there was a knock on her door. Without thinking she opened it in her sweatpants and over sized shirt. She looked up and it was him, those same dark sad eyes. Her heart pounded with hate, relief and love. "What are you doing here?" she asked letting him in. "I missed you. You were right a baby was the last thing we needed" he smiled looking down at her.

Like usual she didn't ask what he did, where he was or who he was with. She was just happy to have him back and to know that she did the right thing.  She hugged him kissing his cheek. "I'm glad you're back" she smiled "Glad to be back" he hugged.