What I Really Want To Say

Don't Leave Me Too.

Savannah and Cassadee decided to surprise me at my house the next day. I was supposed to be at the studio with Travis working on new music, but i figured it was useless right now, because my cd was being pushed back so i could have time to recover and get better. All the meds i was on for my upcoming surgery were draining my energy, thats another reason i decided to just rest at home for a while today. 

"So are we just hanging out here today?" I asked.

"Well, we know you've been stressed and if you wanted to, we have appointents to get manicures and pedicures!" Cassadee squealed. One of her favorite things in the world was to get her nails done. 

"That sounds awesome! Yes, that is just what i need today." 

"And, we need to go to the mall so we can get our prom dresses!" 

"Sav. I don't even know if i want to go anymore." 

"Megs! You cannot miss your senior prom! And if you make me and Cass go by ourselves, we'll be lonely!" 

"You won't be alone you have dates. Don't you?"

"I'm taking Rian. Duh." Cassadee smirked.

"Sav?"

"Oh, well. It's kind of awkard since he isn't in school, but Jack demanded to go with me." Savannah blushed.

"NO WAY!" Cassadee and I both squeeked. 

"He just needs to ask me out already. I mean, literally every time we see each other he catches me off guard and kisses me. I can only take so many makeout sessions before i want a commitment." 

"Thats so Jack-ish. Ugh. I swear that boy. But i think you're getting somewhere cause, i mean, he was the one to ask to go to your prom. He doesn't do that." Cassadee fiddled with her nails.

"Yeah. I guess i'm lucky." Savannah nodded. "Okay enough of my pity party lets go to the spa before Cass chews all her nails off." 

                                                              **********

Five hours later, my nails had been painted and i had bought a dress i had no use for. I wasn't going to prom. I should, but i don't want to. I don't need everyones fucking pity. Having most of the people around me walk on eggshells while talking to me was enough. I didn't want to go to the school where i now hated and have every single fucking person say 'Oh, i'm so sorry about the tumor! If theres anything you need let me know!' What i need is for everyone to treat me normal again. That wasn't going to happen for months. I knew that answer already. After the surgery in a few weeks and after recovery, that's when i'll be back to normal. That's when i'll be okay again. Until then i don't know what i'll do. 

The next week consisted of me waking up, having Jessica bring me my food in bed (she insisted), doing school work on my laptop, flicking through TV, Jessica bringing me lunch in bed (again, she insisted), writing songs (which were probably shit), and finally gaining the energy to eat downstairs with Thomas and my parents. 

Thats right, my parents. Their firm added more people, so my parents have less work to do. Now instead of seeing them almost never, i saw them daily. At least for a couple hours. At first i loved it. I finally got to see my parents, i could finally catch up, we can talk about everything. Boy, was i wrong. 

I was greeted with pity. I didn't WANT pity! I wanted my own fucking parents to treat me normally! I wanted to be normal again. Or at least act like everything was normal again. After a few days, i figured that wasn't going to happen. I started to shut them out like everyone else.

Thomas was my rock. When he came up to my room he wouldn't talk. He would just lay there and watch TV with me or just hold me. He was one of the only ones to treat me normally. I owed him for it.

I completely forgot about everyone else. I shut my phone off. If people came to the door, Thomas told them i was having a bad day. More like a bad week. 

After a week of my phone being off, i decided to finally turn it back on. 47 missed calls, 22 new voicemails, and 31 new messages. I started to look through them and then i heard a knock at the door. My parents weren't home and that wasn't Thomas' knock.. 

I pulled my covers up to my chin and looked at the floor. The door slowly opened and i reconigized the red shoes that were brought into my line of sight. The shoes were taken off and placed at my door, and i looked up into the eyes of Travis'. He should be pissed at me. We haven't had any contact whatsoever in a week. But why was he here slipping into bed with me then?

"How are you?" I turned over and looked into those baby blue eyes. He didn't look mad, he looked fine, maybe a little nervous or worried. 

"Shouldn't you be mad at me? I cut off contact with everyone for a week. You should be yelling at me right now."

"Megan." He grabbed my hands and placed them in his own. "Why should i be mad? You've been through a lot the past two weeks. I can't blame you for wanting a little time for yourself." I looked down at the sheets. 

"If we're gonna talk about this, we need to talk about a lot of other things that are bothering me too. Is that okay?"

"That's perfectly fine."

"You gotta promise me neither one of us will leave mad though, okay? I can't have that happen again."

"Yeah. I don't want that either." He took off his hoodie and gave it to me. Even though i had a blanket, i was fucking freezing. I smiled and tried to hide my blush. Even the little things like this made me really happy. 

"Okay, so, uh, i don't really know where to start." I bit my lip and Travis moved his arm to place it around me. I fiddled with the bracelets on it and he quickly tugged it away. It caused me to shift and almost hit my head.

"What the fuck?"

"Oh, sorry. You, uh, tickled my arm."

"You didn't laugh. I touched your bracelet, not your arm." It only took me a matter of seconds to figure it out. "Let me see it." 

He looked around the room and was starting to shake. "No. I don't want you to break up with me."

"Baby, i'm not going to do that. Just let me see your arm." 

He didn't move for a few seconds and slowly placed his arm in my hands. His eyes started to water as i pushed the bracelets back. I would be lying if i said mine weren't watering as well.

There on his wrist was a cut. It was new compared to the rest and almost started to fade. 

"Are there any more?" 

He shook his head and i felt relieved. I was glad it was only one. A tear slipped from his eye and landed on his cheek. I brushed my thumb against his face wiping it away. He turned his head trying not to look at me. I grabbed his chin and pulled it towards me.

"Travis. Relapse is a part of recovery." 

He just nodded and didn't speak. I got up from bed and grabbed his hand and led him to the bathroom. I really didn't have that much energy from not doing anything this week, and not really eating big meals, so i was getting tired. I sat him down on the toilet and removed all his bracelets. I placed a bandaid on his wrist and kissed it. 

"All better." I smiled.

He looked up at me and i've never seen Travis look like that.. Ever. He stood up and intertwined our hands, pressing my back against the wall. "I fucking love you so much." He pressed a kiss to my neck. "Just please, please promise me you won't leave me too."