What I Really Want To Say

Secrets Don't Make Friends.

-Travis' POV-

I awoke abruptly in the middle of the night. Megan was still by my side, with a cute little smirk on her face. I moved some of her hair away from her eyes. Her three cousins were still asleep on the air mattress in the corner of the room. I looked over at the alarm clock and noticed the time. 3:41. Looks like I'm not getting back to sleep. No, my insomnia really never went away. But i wasn't about to tell Megan that.. Like she needed anything else to stress her out. 

I finally decided to get up and get something to drink. Carefully sneaking down the stairs, i avoided the seventh stair which creeks every now and then. I sighed noting the silence. I don't like the quiet much, and i don't like being alone. 

I grabbed a water bottle from the fridge and stared out the window for a little bit. It was still really dark out, so i didn't stare long. Turning around i almost ran into Megan's aunt. Where did she come from?

"Im sorry. Was i making too much noise? Did i wake you up?" I asked.

"No, no. I had to get another blanket from the car. But why are you awake? No one sane is awake this early." She quickly responded.

"Oh. Um, I have insomnia. I sleep for a few hours here and there. I've grown used to it by now i guess." 

"You should go to a doctor about that. They can give you medicine that helps with that." She yawned. "Good luck sleeping Travis. Night."

"Night." She retired to a room downstairs and i quickly went back to the kitchen. I looked at the clock again. 5:12. I guess i was up longer than i expected. Glancing at the table someone left their dirty plates. I went over to pick them up and place them in the sink. I tripped on the way but still managed to not drop anything. I had a stinging pain in my wrist and noticed it was bleeding. Looking in the sink, i found the culprit. A knife. 

I already had one cut. Why not another? And another. And anot-STOP! I couldn't do this. Not now. Not with Megan's family here. There were three fresh cuts all lined up nicely on my wrist. Congrats Travis, you fucked up. 

I wanted so badly to do it again. The urge was tremendous and looming over me with every single move. Put the knife down Travis. You can do this. You're stronger now. Well i thought I was.. 

The seconds passed slowly. I just stared at my wrist for what seemed like a decade. I came to a realization quickly. I had to bandage it up. I had to hide it. At least until they healed.. If they even did. 

The bandages were still in Megan's bathroom. She was still sleeping away peacefully, unaware of her surroundings. I realized that i used a dirty kitchen knife, so i had to apply neosporin. That shit stung so bad. It took everything i had to not scream. After that was over, i bandaged up my wrist and crept back into the room. 

It was now 6:35. Megan's parents should be up and almost ready to leave for work by now. They usually check on her before they go, so i layed next to her on the bed. I ducked under the covers and snuggled close again. Her breathing was steady. It had a rhythm. I started to feel tired, and that was really unexpected. I decided to take advantage of it, and closed my eyes quickly.

My wrist hurt like hell and it made it harder for me to try to sleep. I should be used to the pain by now. I mean, it was self-inflicted. Well, most of it. I felt drowsy and tired still. It was close to seven in the morning, and i had no clue what was going on with me. Looking down at my wrist it was still bleeding. Even through the bandages. 

I jumped out of bed and sprinted to the bathroom. I tried to put more bandages on my wrist as fast as i could. I needed to stop the bleeding, and fast. The loss of so much blood was probably why i was feeling so tired. It got to the point where I knew i was going to pass out sooner or later. My vision was getting blurred and i need to act fast.  

Stumbling out of the bathroom, I fell onto Megan's bed which caused her to stir.

"Megan..." I could barely manage a whisper.

I tried yelling, but it was a lost cause. She was a heavy sleeper and i was getting weaker by the minute. I was going to regret what i was about to do, and i hope she didn't punch me. I turned her over and slapped her ass. Hard. 

"What the fuck!" I heard her yell. "Travis! You asshole!" She turned over to stare at me.

"Help.." Was all i could muster before i blacked out. The last thing i remember was falling to the ground. And seeing the worried face of my girlfriend.

                                          ******************

I woke up to harsh flourescent lights and the smell of Germ-X. I tried to move but realized i was hooked up to an IV. Perfect. I was in the hospital. Looking around, Megan was asleep sitting on the seats in the corner and I immediately felt guilty. Who wouldn't?

I noticed the couple bracelets i usually wore on my wrists were no longer there. Instead they were both bandaged up, and i had a hospital ID, and a Fall Risk bracelet on. So now im clumsy? Whatever. Looking back at the bandages, the doctors probably noticed that I'm a cutter. I really hope i don't have to have a billion tests done now. I couldn't wait to be out of this place. 

"Oh you're up." A fairly young nurse who seemed in her late twenties walked into my room. 

"How long have i been out?" 

"A couple hours tops. Do you want me to wake her up?"

"God no. I cause her enough worry. Let her sleep as long as she can." 

"Got it. Her name's Megan, right?"

"Yup. How did you know?"

"Her and her aunt brought you in this morning. She hasn't left since. She has all your bracelets by the way. We're supposed to take them, but she claimed they were hers. She's a keeper."

"I know. I don't deserve her. Not a bit."

"Don't  beat yourself up. But we have to talk about your health now.."

"Okay..." I paused.

"You're underweight obviously. You can see your ribs hon." I looked down. "You're sleep deprived. The bags under your eyes tell a ton. And last but not least, you have cut marks all over your body. Does anyone know about that?"

I gestured over at Megan sleeping peacefully. "Shes the only one i've told."

"What happed before you blacked out?"

An instant flashback occured before my eyes. The insomnia, the cutting, the bleeding...

"I don't wanna talk about it yet..."

"Thats perfectly fine. We can talk later about it. Just press the nurse button and i'll show right up." 

"I'll be alright though, won't i?"

"Perfectly fine. You lost some blood though, thats what caused you to pass out. Take it easy while you can, you'll probably be able to home tomorrow morning."

"Got it. Thank you."

"And your parents are here. Want me to send them in?" Great.

"Yeah.."

"Nervous?"

"I think it's more of a feeling of guilt."

"Oh.. Well my name is Evie, but call me Eva. See you later Mr. Clark." Oh no.