Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 2)

July 7

July 7

Today was such a great day.

I'll get to the good stuff in a bit. Basically, I think I've finally come out of my Pride hangover. I am back to myself. That was fucked up, though. Three full days' worth of a hangover. A rollercoaster of emotions, involving crying on my floor, crying in my office, crying in the bathroom, crying on the street, and just being in a generally depressed state. But, that's over now. I think.

I've started taking my anti-depressant at night, after I read online about someone doing that to help with her daytime drowsiness. We'll see how it works. I took my pill last night, but getting up this morning wasn't any easier than yesterday. However, that's likely because I've been going to bed really late and not getting much solid sleep. I woke up multiple times last night, drenched in sweat from head to toe – to the point where it was dripping off me when I got up to get a towel. I don't know what the fuck is going on. It was a cold sweat, too. Weird.

Anyway, I slept in as long as possible, made my lunch, and went to work. I was actually pretty busy today in my office, as Robyn had a large stack of papers that needed processing. As usual, I finished everything very fast. The remainder of my day was spent on the internet, under the same hidden proxy browser that I've been using all week. I planned tonight's date with PW, dealt with Kate's upcoming bachelorette weekend, Tweeted, Facebooked, and looked at porn – the last of which was unexpected. The video just popped up on Twitter. I couldn't resist scrolling for more, though. Overall, today wasn't very intense. It also started out with chocolate chip cookies, so I was very happy.

I was also very happy when Niall called my office phone, and informed me that he was able to cover my Friday graveyard shift. Hell yes! Niall also apologized to me, which was appreciated. I'm glad he climbed down off his high horse. Robyn wants me to follow up with Niall, and have a proper discussion so we can end things on a good note. I'll get around to that eventually.

Essentially, it is now understood that Niall needs to ask if he can schedule me for something like that – not just surprise me with it again. That being said, I probably won't be saying yes any time soon. I am not working until 3 a.m. I do not look good after midnight, as I turn back into my natural pumpkin form.

Work wrapped up without any issues. I left at 5 p.m., and walked halfway home, taking transit the rest of the way.

Tonight was my date with PW. I was actually quite excited about it. PW had to stay late at work, which was fine with me. Extra time to get ready for a date is always appreciated. When PW was ready, I hopped on the streetcar and made my way to Electric Mud BBQ.

I've been such a mess with my dating apps this week. I have deleted and re-downloaded Grindr and Tinder about four times each over the past two days. I hate being on both apps, but it's like a missing limb when I don't have them. I often catch myself swiping through my phone, unconsciously looking to open one of the apps from their former screen location.

On the way to my date with PW, I deleted Grindr and Tinder again. I really want to give this thing with PW a shot. I don't want to be shady, like I've been with the other guys recently. If I'm committing to a date, I don't want to be swiping through profiles before, after, and in the bathroom. So, they're gone.

I had actually been very forward with this evening's date planning. PW originally asked me when we were going to "hang," and I shut that bullshit down right away. Fuck all of this "hanging" and "chilling" business. We are not monkeys. Also, in case you haven't heard: "Chilling leads to children."

I told PW that this evening was a date. I would be taking him to dinner, and we could go for ice cream afterwards. I'm trying to manage my romantic life the way I would want it managed by someone else. I like someone who is confident, funny, and knows what they want. So, that's what I am trying to put forth this time around. I think I did a good job. Commitment isn't the worst thing.

We met at the restaurant. PW had arrived before me, but got up from his seat and gave me a hug when he saw me. I was actually really impressed by that move. That Nick bro from Western University sure as hell didn't do that. It's hard to find a gentleman these days.

After talking for a few minutes, I managed to get our table moved to the back corner of the restaurant. This is always ideal for a date, especially a first one.

Dinner was fantastic. The conversation was amazing. PW was so handsome, tall, really funny, and very easy to talk to. Our waitress was great as well. Despite me swearing off all alcohol a few days ago, we each had three beers over the course of a couple hours. Let's be real here. I wasn't going to go on a date and not drink. The dinner part of the date was also excellent. I had a wonderful time.

I picked up the check at Electric Mud BBQ, and then we walked down Queen Street West for some ice cream. Sitting on the sidewalk with our scoops, PW and I continued talking about a variety of random topics.

It's weird. Tonight was the first time I had ever gone on a date with someone who knew my family. It sure made the conversation easier, because PW knew the characters of my stories – including Phillip and his/my friends.

As we neared closer to PW's apartment, he suggested walking through Trinity Bellwoods Park. I figured it was just going to be a short detour, but he then asked if I wanted to sit on the grass for a while. Of course, I said yes. We continued talking, sharing childhood memories, stories about our families, our tattoos, and other random things.

There was definitely a lot of flirting happening in the park. I was ticking PW's hand, and playing with his fingers for a while. While lying on the grass, we both turned our gaze toward one another. I thanked PW for a great evening. PW thanked me for dinner. I smiled, and leaned in for a kiss.

We spent the next hour making out on the grass. With any other guy, that probably would have lasted about ten minutes. But, PW was one of the best kissers I have ever experienced. Oh. My. God. I am getting excited just thinking about it! PW was perfect. He was everything I wanted in a kiss. Our making out was so hot and sloppy, but gentle at the same time. It was passionate, and I loved it. I always feel like Mary Catherine Gallagher from Superstar, just wanting to make out with someone. God sent me someone to make out with!

Eventually, we cooled things down. PW pulled back.

"I don't want to do anything else right away," PW admitted.

I was a bit surprised when PW said that. Truth be told, I didn't have any intentions past what we had done. In fact, I was just going to be happy with a simple kiss goodnight at PW's door when I dropped him off after our ice cream. But, when opportunity knocks, you answer. I definitely wasn't looking to suck his dick in a park. Why would PW say that? What was he expecting? Was I giving off slut vibes?

"Oh, I don't want to do anything else either," I agreed. "I really respect you for saying that, though. It makes me happy."

Listen. I'm not opposed to doing something wild on the first date if the moment is right. But, I really do want to wait with PW. I like him. I like him a lot. God, this is so weird! I can't believe that he's been Phillip's friend all this time, and now this is happening. It's so awesome!

I walked PW to his apartment, and we kissed goodnight. I took the subway home, thinking about PW the entire way. I had such a great night. I can't wait to see PW again. I'm already getting ahead of myself. I can feel it. I know I should cool it. I have a tendency of falling head over heels, and either losing interest in a month or two, or scaring the other person away because I'm too intense. I like this guy, though. I hope he likes me.

I don't want to be hurt anymore. It's as though the pain of rejection hurts so much, but the excitement of being with someone new makes you forget about all of that. Especially when you really like the guy. Plus, I've always wanted to marry a "Prince Phillip."

I kept the receipt from our dinner. Maybe 7/7 is extra lucky. I guess we'll have to wait and see. 🙂

Goodnight xo