Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 2)

October 10

October 10

As with every trip to Florida and Walt Disney World, a trip down memory lane is inevitable. Today was definitely one of those days where memories and ghosts of summer relationships past were popping up everywhere. I hate the word "regret," but I still find myself wanting to erase so many moments from my past.

I slept in pretty late, which was much-needed after yesterday's jaunt through Epcot and Magic Kingdom. The rest of my morning wasn't exactly productive. I lounged around the hotel room for a while, skipping the gym because I seem to have lost all of my willpower. Eventually, around 1 p.m., Dad, Phillip, and I packed a bag and drove over to Disney's Typhoon Lagoon water park. I had found some unused tickets in my desk drawer at Casa Z, so we went for a few hours. Mom didn't want to come for a variety of reasons. Basically, I could sum up her reasoning with three words: low self-esteem.

I understand all too well why Mom wouldn't want to go to a water park. Believe me, I am well-versed in the anxiety that comes along with wearing a bathing suit in public. I only wish Mom could reach the conclusion on her own that when she leaves this world, none of those insecurities are going to matter. Not only that, but on somewhat of a selfish note, I wish that Mom displayed a higher level of confidence for me. Mom can sing me all of the positive praise she wants, but sometimes, actions speak louder than words. At the end of the day, if you see one half of your parental unit so insecure with themselves, it eventually trickles down and contributes to the horrible body image issues I have with myself. First and foremost, I want Mom to be happier with herself. However, confidence is most definitely contagious.

Despite the abnormally cold weather that none of us had anticipated, we had a great time at Disney's Typhoon Lagoon. We walked on all of the slides without any waits, and hung out in the wave pool and lazy river for a while, too. Obviously, so much has changed in that water park since I used to visit during my Florida summers. I didn't realize that it had been seven years, though. Seven freaking years. Where did the time go? That was the biggest flashback of the day. I was instantly transported back to 2009, and all of the experiences I had during that first Florida summer.

As much as my life changed during my second and third exchange programs, my first summer in Florida was the beginning of a new me. It was when I finally came out of my shell and began my transition into the adult I am today – for better and for worse. God, I feel like a completely different person now. I wonder what 2009 Kurt would say to 2016 Kurt? On the other hand, I can't even think of what 2016 Kurt would say to 2009 Kurt.

The problem with all of that "words of wisdom" crap is that you are meant to go through certain experiences. Everything happens for a reason. Although I would love to tell my 19-year-old self that he is gay, that he should watch his drinking, that he should avoid certain people, and so many other things – I can't. Those experiences and revelations all developed and occurred organically, and for their own reasons. Telling someone they are gay before they are ready to accept it would be dangerous. Just like telling someone to stay away from Logan Hunter or RX would be dangerous. As painful as those experiences were (read: are) for me, I'm hoping that at some point I will move on and find the lesson within the trauma. I'm not sure if that moment is near, though. I had a dream last night that Logan had a new boyfriend. Damn.

The three of us wrapped things up at the water park, and returned to the hotel. It was a good day at Disney's Typhoon Lagoon. Well, a good few hours. Back in the room, we relaxed for a while with Mom, took a nap, and then went to Trader Sam's Grog Grotto and Tiki Bar at Disney's Polynesian Village Resort for a pre-dinner cocktail. Very good. Very strong.

For some reason, Phillip brought up Madeline King from my first and second Florida programs. I don't know why Phillip thought of her, but I suppose it made sense. Madeline and I were inseparable until our eventual falling out in 2010. When Phillip asked about Madeline, I essentially denied her existence. It's easier for me that way, but obviously I think about her. I looked Madeline up on Instagram just a few weeks ago, actually. She's still living and working in Germany, and seemingly having the time of her life. Of course, we all know that social media is not always what it seems. However, Madeline does seem to be doing well. It's a shame things ended the way they did, but I couldn't trust her. That's why we parted ways.

That's usually how it goes though, isn't it? Once my initial benefit of the doubt trust is breached, I have a hard time returning to a normal relationship with someone. Be genuine, be honest, and never pretend to be something you're not. That way, we'll know from the start if things are meant to work out. As opposed to waiting a week, a month, a year, or two years to find out that perhaps we are not on the same page. As much as I may pretend Madeline doesn't exist, I do wish her well. There was a reason we were friends. I wish things could have worked out better.

The same could be said for RX. In fact, I think I've said all of it before – even with this recent Hurricane RX stuff. I really do wish things could have ended differently for us. I tried to make it better on so many different occasions. Despite the number of times I've written it down, typed it out, or said it in my head, I don't regret breaking up with RX. Nor do I regret ever dating him. I learned what it was to love someone. I truly did love RX. I still do. At the same time, I had to break up with him so that I could continue to grow as an individual. Unfortunately, as recent times have shown, there is no desire on RX's end to improve our situation. Just an idle, watchful eye with a bi-monthly text that seems more and more like a mental mind-fuck taunt than it does an inside joke or interesting fact. I wanted so badly for RX to reach out, and it never happened.

After drinks at Trader Sam's, we drove over to Boma – Flavors of Africa at Disney's Animal Kingdom Lodge where we had another delicious, yet gut-busting dinner. It's 12:30 a.m. right now, and I am still recovering. Nonetheless, it was a very nice way to enjoy the last night of our vacation.

All weekend, Dad and Phillip had been talking about re-visiting a tiki bar they went to in Downtown Orlando before I arrived. I played along like I was going to join, until we were leaving dinner and about to get on the highway. That's when I announced that I didn't want to go. For a few reasons. First, I could hardly move after my meal. Second, I didn't want to spend more money. Lastly, I didn't want to drink. Honestly, I've reached a point where I really don't want to be drunk anymore. It's not fun for me. The negatives of inebriation completely outweigh the positives now.

Poor Mom was exhausted. However, she knew all too well that Dad's "one drink" at the bar would turn into many, and he would then have to drive Phillip home. Mom ended up going with the boys, essentially to chaperone and act as a DD. That's one thing I really don't miss about living in Florida. The distance between Downtown Orlando and Walt Disney World is brutal. I often shake my head in disbelief that I never got a DUI during my second and third summers. I mean, talk about pressing your luck. When you wake up in your car in a Panera Bread parking lot, it's time to re-think your means of transportation.

Anyway, I was dropped off at the hotel before the rest of the crew ventured north to the tiki bar. I relaxed on my bed for a while, deleting almost all videos of myself from my social media accounts in an attempt to regain some privacy. I always enjoy a good purge now and again. There's too much of me floating around in cyber space. It's time to pull things back a bit.

After masturbating for the second time today, I crawled into bed. The rest of the family still isn't home. Obviously, that "one drink" did turn into many. I hope they're okay.

It's bedtime for me. We have a half-day at Disney tomorrow before we pack it all in and return to reality. It's been quite the trip. Overall, I'd say pretty good! Talk tomorrow.

Goodnight xo