Hi, I'm Kurt. A binge-drinking, pill-popping disco diva with a heart of platinum and an appetite for self-destruction.
Welcome to Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 2).
Adapted from a collection of nightly...
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August 10
I had every intention of waking up early and getting in an extra hour of work this morning, but my hand and the snooze button on my phone had other plans.
When I finally got up, I felt physically ill again. I feel completely drained all the time these days. It's because I don't get any sleep on the weekends, and then continue that trend through the week.
I sat on the edge of my bed this morning, my throat stinging, having trouble swallowing, and my entire body aching. What the fuck is going on? I think I said out loud, "I can't do this anymore," and waited a few more minutes before I finally pulled myself up and made my lunch.
After I ate a small breakfast, I sat in front of the toilet for a couple of minutes because I was sure I was going to throw up. Am I fucking pregnant? At the rate things are going in my life, that wouldn't even surprise me.
My teeth look a bit better. I'm still not happy with the shaping of them, but I figure that I can probably go back and have things altered if I need to. I'm still really upset about everything – for the same reasons I have explained in so many other journal entries. I feel the back of the tooth cap/filler, and that's what gets me. Sure, the "teeth" look real enough. However, every time I put my tongue to them, I am reminded of what I did to myself and the guilt and depression all come racing back.
I arrived at The Clubhouse, and was actually busy the entire day. I had a ton of stuff to work on, which fortunately distracted me from the bug-infested closet I sadly call an office. I was also occasionally interrupted by Big Bird either asking me to do something, or by her swatting at flies all over the walls – even right behind my chair. It was one of those moments where you just want to lie down on the floor and collapse for a little bit. I would have, but it was covered in dead bugs, so that wasn't really an option for me.
I made it through my workday by preparing for tonight's bi-monthly Open House social event, which was happening at 6 p.m. I also stole a lot of food throughout the day. I'm now at the point where I feel like Robin Hood – taking muffins and giving them to the other girls who opted out of the meal plan, too. Except. for them, they never go up and take the food. That's probably why they're so damn skinny. I was so fucking hungry today. So fucking hungry! By the time the evening meal came out, I was stuffing garlic bread down my throat and shoving extra pieces into napkins to take to my office and eat in secrecy.
As I said, tonight was the club's Open House event. For the first time, I was essentially in charge of everything. Initially, I thought it was a joke. Then, I remembered that Big Bird wasn't going to be there. When Stella told me that it was my event, Big Bird corrected her by saying that it was mine and Lucy's. Naturally, Lucy later decided that she didn't want to go anymore. By the time the actual event started, one fucking staff member came – for five minutes. Apart from that, tonight was me alone with over 20 random members. Great. Whatever. It was also about 700 degrees in The Clubhouse today. Despite bringing in a fan to help with the heat, we were all sweating like whores in church.
