Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 2)

November 5

November 5

I'm really proud of myself for having done so well with the whole "not drinking" thing last night. I know it sounds like something that's so simple and easy to do, but it's not. Sobriety is difficult for a number of reasons.

First, there's the personal aspect of things. Sobriety is not simple. Sobriety is not easy for me to accomplish. Despite all of the things I say, I do enjoy the feeling of being drunk. Unfortunately, it's everything else that comes along with intoxication – and after it – that I hate.

Second, there's the social aspect of things. Let me repeat it again: sobriety is not simple, or easy. Alcohol and drinking are such staples in all social activities. If you don't drink, you're viewed as a freak show. I could literally show up to a party without any teeth, say I'm not drinking, and everyone would be more shocked and offended by my sobriety than my hillbilly mouth. Yeah, I feel a bit stupid that I had to go to the ridiculous extreme of putting water in an empty gin bottle to pretend I was drinking last night. At the same time, it got the job done.

Here's the thing, though. Despite avoiding drinks all night and waking up without a hangover this morning, why did I still feel so low today? It sort of got me thinking about how I always try to match my issues to a vice. I associate my sadness and depression with drinking. The same goes for my overeating and anxiety with weed. Are those substances the true cause of those issues, though? It's what I've been thinking about all day.

Even if I avoid weed and alcohol, why do I still experience the same problems? It's hard to say. I do notice a difference in some areas. For example, my anxiety has done a complete 180. I was thinking about this tonight, actually. There was a time earlier this year when I didn't feel comfortable leaving the house without my bottle of Xanax. The fear that something might set me off and leave me unable to function was too much to bear. Now, it's almost hard to imagine having those feelings. I don't want to completely attribute the change in mentality to the lack of weed in my life, but I also don't think it's a coincidence.

I suppose the same could be said for the sadness and depression I associate with drinking, along with the inevitable Sunday Blues that I'm all too familiar with. Yeah, I experience those emotions much less now. However, there are still days when I haven't had a drop of alcohol in weeks and I find myself completely disenchanted with life. I don't want to get out of bed.

I'm overthinking things. Today was a big day for over-analyzing my life and behaviors. I spent a lot of time in my head. I think it's because I want to fix things. I want to know what is bothering me so that I can make the appropriate changes and begin living my best life.

I got out of bed this morning with a bad caffeine headache. This was quite annoying, as it reminded me of a hangover. Fortunately, my throbbing brain was quickly remedied with some coffee as I tackled the mountain of dirty dishes in my kitchen sink over the course of an hour. Done. Next on my to-do list was to clean out my closet and remove the clothes and hangers I definitely will not be needing over the next two months. Done. It barely looks any different, but at least it's finished.

Another item to add to the list of reasons I'm excited to move back to Casa Z is that I am very much looking forward to de-cluttering my life. I've been trying to work towards this for a while, but the next clothing purge is upon us. I can't wait. Not only that, but I'm hoping it will bring in some much-needed cash. It's a win-win situation. Actually, it's a win-win-win situation once you include the charity organization that gets the leftover items. Everybody wins! Yahtzee!

After "the purge," I caught up on some writing before finally showering and leaving the house at 3 p.m. I needed to pick the car up from Phillip's place. It was a beautiful day, so I walked across town while listening to Mariah Carey's Merry Christmas album for the fourth time since I woke up. It's perfect. After a ridiculous amount of traffic, I finally made it to Casa Z around 5:30 p.m. I had about ten minutes to whip up something to eat in the kitchen, then run to my room so I could avoid the company that Mom and Dad were having over tonight.

Once again, Mom and I argued about her overbearing ways when it comes to what I eat. I don't understand. When is Mom going to get it?

I. Do. Not. Need. Help.

If I want help or have a question, I will ask. If only Mom knew that I operate this way so that she has less to do. Seriously. All I want is for Mom to have less work. That's it! I don't come home to be waited on. I do not need someone preparing my meals, making my bed, or doing my laundry. I just hope that Mom respects those wishes when I move home next month. Otherwise, we are going to have a big problem on our hands. I'm not like Phillip, or even Katya. I can't let someone do those things for me. I feel indebted, which is one of the worst feelings in the world to me. I hate feeling as though I owe someone something.

Eventually, everyone had left the house. I emerged from my room, made dinner, and watched TV. I don't know why, but as I was making dinner and continuing my day inside my head, I asked myself what my best quality was. The answer that I came up with?

"I am very self-aware."

Then, I flipped the question and asked what I thought my worst quality was. The answer that I came up with?

"I am both too self-aware, and not self-aware enough."

It's hard to explain.

I take pride in my self-awareness. I think I have a lot of reasons for my certain behaviors. I also tend to be fairly aware of my environments, which I think is a good thing. The introspection only becomes a bad thing on days like today, when I am so far inside my own head that I'm not thinking about anything else. Overthinking is also a bad thing when I am so self-aware to the point that I can't enjoy myself, because I am too worried about how I might come across to others.

Now, let's flip it. When it comes to not being self-aware enough, I think of those moments when people will tell me something I once said, and I'll have absolutely no recollection of my words. I'm talking about sober comments, by the way. This has happened a few times with different friends. To be honest, it doesn't surprise me. I am very aware that I am unaware of certain social behaviors of mine.

Take a minute on that one.

What I mean to say, is that I know sometimes I'll say things – sometimes hurtful things – without thinking first. Although it might stick with someone else for a long time, I am completely unaware of what I've said, along with the fact that it might have made a lasting impression on the person. Obviously, the whole thing is completely unintentional. That doesn't change anything, though.

The best example I can give of this would be in reference to when someone else did it to me. I remember it like it was yesterday. Brad Seton and I were standing at the corner of my childhood home after school one day. Hanging out with Brad was never ideal for me, as I always found him very overwhelming. Nonetheless, I'll never forget what Brad said to me that day:

"You'd be a lot more popular if you were skinnier."

That comment cut me to my core. I'm almost positive that Brad would have no idea how hurtful his words were, but that comment has stuck with me my entire life. I've never been able to forget it. So, that's what I think one of my worst qualities is. Although I know that I'm not aware enough at times, I hope to God that I am never so unaware to the point that I hurt someone that badly.

Wow. That was a tangent.

After my binge eating, I made my way to the gym for the first time since Monday and put in my time. All I can say is thank God for Mariah Carey. Mimi and her music is what gets me through it all. Mom and Dad came home while I was in the gym. I could hear their guests, so I avoided everyone as best I could and ended my night upstairs after a sauna.

I'm tired. Both physically, and mentally.

Now, let's slowly back out of my head.

Goodnight xo