Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 2)

September 20

September 20

Following a quick session with my boyfriend (read: left hand), I went to bed around 10:45 p.m. last night. Come to think of it, am I in a thruple with my hand and cell phone? The three of us certainly spend a lot of time together.

Amidst my pre-bed self-care, I'd apparently forgotten to set an alarm. Naturally, when I rolled over this morning, glanced at the clock, and realized I had 15 minutes to get ready for work, panic ensued.

Oh, one more thing. I had the strangest dream sequence last night.

Dreams are really fucked up when you think about it. I mean, I had a full, Florida-based feature length film about Granny and Grandpa happening in my head while I was asleep last night, and I barely knew either of them before they died. It was very odd. Totally random. Dad was also in the dream. Despite looking the same as he does now, Dad was my age and was absolutely hammered after pounding back a bottle of vodka. I'm not entirely sure what any of that was supposed to mean, but it happened.

Big Bird was at her veterinarian this morning. Even though I was on time for work, it wouldn't have mattered if I wasn't. Actually, it doesn't matter to Big Bird at all. It matters to me. The later I arrive at work, the longer I have to stay to make up for the lost time.

Overall, my workday was alright. I focused on making a PowerPoint and doing some data entry, but mostly I trolled the internet as per usual. I also made a few calls, and ate my lunch while watching Netflix. Big Bird had her usual Tuesday meeting, so I was alone in our office for most of the day. At one point, Big Bird also sent me an email and asked if I would run a shopping errand for her. In other words, I was literally asked to leave the building. It was heaven. Today was a good one.

I left The Clubhouse at 4 p.m., then raced to the gym for a quick session. I was slightly annoyed, as I didn't have enough time to do even half of my 1,500 sit ups. Damn this wedding. Tonight was Kate and Adam's rehearsal dinner, so I took the car out and drove north to the venue after my quasi-workout. The majority of this journal entry will be about tonight's rehearsal.

For the first time throughout this whole wedding saga, the fact that I am standing with Adam and his groomsmen on the other side of the altar really hit me.

Listen. I'm not bawling my eyes out over here. Back in May at Cousin Ashley and Oliver's wedding, I mentioned all of this to Oliver. Despite being part of Kate's bridal party, I've been asked to stand on the other side of the altar with Adam's crew for the actual ceremony. While talking to Oliver, he recommended that I do whatever the couple wants.

"Don't ask any questions," Oliver said. "Follow instructions, and be quiet. Wedding planning is stressful enough as it is."

I get it. This is not about me. The wedding is Kate's day, and the fact that I am standing on the other side of the room is not something to make a fuss about. And I'm not going to. I would never mention this to Kate. But, goddamn it. This is my journal. I'm allowed to vent here. It's a safe space!