Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 2)

October 28

October 28

Holy fucking hell. My head was ruined this morning. I set my alarm as usual last night, but snoozed too much. When I woke up after 9 a.m., I sent a text to Big Bird telling her I would be coming in at 10 a.m. My hangover hit me like a ton of bricks, which I was not expecting. Today was the type of hangover where your goddamn eyes hurt. But, hey. My teeth are still intact, and I didn't get kicked out or lose any of my belongings. On that note, I guess it was a successful night!

Amidst my haze, I washed my face and teeth, ran a brush through my hair, threw on a slight variation of last night's outfit, and headed out the door for work. Mornings are a lot easier when you don't have dishes to wash or lunches to make.

Once at The Clubhouse, my hangover was reaching peak levels. I didn't do much work for the first few hours, as I was busy emailing yesterday's PR lady about Mariah Carey's upcoming Toronto visit. The woman basically told me that I could get in line like everyone else. How rude! I'm going to make one last effort with it tomorrow.

Later in the day, I actually did some work. Not for long, though. I took an extended lunch break to pick up some makeup items for my Halloween costume, then came back to the office for a half-hour and left at 4 p.m. I can't believe it's Halloween weekend! Yay!

After work, I walked to the gym and pushed through my routine. It was rough. The longer I go without eating, the harder my running becomes. I also forgot socks due to my ensemble choice for the day, so my running shoes cut up my feet. It looks like I went walking through glass. Of course this would happen right before I'm supposed to be walking around in open toe stripper heels for four nights. Damn it.

On my trek back to the Witch Cave, I stopped by the mall to pick up a few more last-minute costume items. I have such a bad problem with stealing. Am I a kleptomaniac? I stole from Sephora tonight. As if it weren't bad enough that I was able to persuade an employee to give me four different samples so that I didn't have to buy the full-sized products, while waiting in line with a pair of false eyelashes, I decided that I no longer wanted to pay for them either. I slipped the package into my coat pocket, then redeemed my rewards points at the cash register for a mascara sample.

I don't know what comes over me in those moments. I know stealing like that is so wrong to do, but something in me is just so cheap. Like, I have such a hard time spending money on shit like that. $25 for a pair of fake eyelashes? I mean, come on! Meanwhile, I'll then turn around and make a huge, unnecessary purchase or take a trip somewhere and completely drain my bank account. I've probably stolen almost $10,000 worth of stuff in my lifetime. Maybe I shouldn't be documenting this.

The worst part is my logic. I would never steal from another human being. In my fucked-up brain, I somehow think that's a completely different crime. I've had so many things taken from me. Phones, wallets, iPods, clothes, etc. I know what that feels like. It's awful. I would never want to inflict that gut-wrenching pain on someone else. Yet, when comes to some big corporation that screws everyone over, somehow, I don't feel any remorse. Well, I do. Nothing like the guilt I would feel as a result of taking something from an individual, though. I return lost hair ties, for God's sake.

Anyway, back at the Witch Cave, I immediately started getting ready for the night. Dan came over around 10 p.m., and we continued with our annual makeup routine. As usual, everything was perfect except for two things: nails and eyelashes. I don't know why, but every year those two items are a complete nightmare for me. My nails never seem to dry, and my eyelashes never seem to stick. As Dan noted, it took me about four days to put on my eyelashes tonight.

Once I finished my makeup, I looked incredible. I'll say it. My body is not at all where I want it to be, but that's not going to change. I just need to get over it. Both Dan and I were very surprised after I had finished putting on my face, because I looked quite womanly. It was spooky.

We drank a bit, gathered our things, took some pictures, and then jumped in a cab to Dan's friend Logan's house. Yes, I know. Another Logan. I'll be honest, the name is a bit of a trigger for me. Such is life, I guess.

Dan and I got to the party, which was noticeably smaller than last year's, and I made myself at home. Unlike Wednesday night's Open House event at The Clubhouse, I'm much more social with strangers when there's alcohol involved. That, and I could also be myself tonight. In other words, I could be absolutely outrageous. I talked to a lot of people, drank from my champagne flute, and took an abusive number of pictures. Once everyone figured out who I was dressed as, they all loved my costume. When I left one of the rooms for a bathroom break, a guy asked Dan if I was transgender. That's the second nicest thing anyone has ever said about me.

There were three girls at tonight's party, and the rest were all gay guys. Normally, this would be amazing. Unfortunately, all of the homos were fucking coupled off. The audacity! At the same time, none of them seemed too fazed by their relationship statuses. I was literally hit on by two guys with partners, one of whom was married. Another guy with a boyfriend shook my hand, and did that weird tickling thing with his middle finger. I was instantly transported back to the time a guy did that to me during my first summer working in Florida. When I asked a co-worker what that action meant, she said it was code for sex. Funny how things change, though. I wasn't exactly coy about the guy's signal tonight. I very bluntly told him that I wasn't into open relationships. No, thank you!

There was one guy at the party who I actually wanted to hit on. Later, I found out that he was also rich and Jewish, which made him even more attractive. I couldn't get a fucking word in, though. The girls were cock blocking me. Although, now that I think about it, I probably missed my chance when I was sitting next to him in the TV room. It wasn't my fault, though! There were Mariah Carey music videos being played. I was very focused on Mimi. Damn it.

Overall, tonight was great. I love Halloween so much! Dan and I took a cab back to the Village with another guy who was really trashed. They dropped me off near my apartment, and I made the short walk home alone. This evening was a very successful dress rehearsal.

One more thing. I'm just remembering this now. When I walked by Pizza Nova on my way home tonight, there were two homeless guys that were catcalling me. As I passed one of them, he tapped my ass. It was weird. In the moment, I thought it was really funny. Sort of flattering, even. I was feeling myself in my costume, and enjoyed the attention. Now that I've had some time to process the moment, I'm realizing that it was kind of gross. Truth be told, I don't really mind that kind of stuff when it comes to myself. What I find gross about the whole thing is that a real woman is probably subjected to that kind of behavior – and much worse – every day. Some people are really fucked up. Straight men, I'm talking to you!

Washed up and went to bed. I can't wait for tomorrow!

Goodnight xo