Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 2)

October 9

October 9

Fourteen hours of exploring Walt Disney World theme parks has left me unable to walk. My legs haven't hurt this much from a day at Disney in at least 15 years. I'm also about to explode from maximum food intake. Oy.

Our day in the parks was wild. We started at Epcot around 10 a.m., and ended up leaving Magic Kingdom after midnight. That's nuts. Phillip tapped out at 6 p.m., due to reasons I will not continue to rant about in yet another journal entry. Mom and Dad were absolute troopers, though. Both of them stuck it out the entire time. I mean, come on! My parents are each pushing 60 years old, yet they were on roller coasters with me at 11:30 p.m. tonight. That's amazing.



Epcot was a lot of fun. The whole day was pretty great, actually. Everyone was in a really good mood – except for Phillip, who never really perked up. It was annoying, but also completely expected. Again, I'm not going to start on another "Phillip rant" in this entry.

After arranging an assistance pass for Mom and her bionic hip, we figured out our Fastpass+ situation and queued up for some rides. From there, we began our trip around World Showcase for the Food and Wine Festival. This was also when I surprised everyone with their $50 gift cards. I would've liked to have given them each $100, but I'm not made of money.

As expected, Mom, Dad, and Phillip were all very surprised and grateful. Of course, Mom wouldn't initially accept the fact that someone had spent money on her, but eventually conceded. I knew that the gift cards would make our day more enjoyable. It certainly took some of the financial guilt off of me, too. For the most part, the money we were spending today wasn't coming from Mom and Dad. Sometimes one of them would throw their credit card down for larger drink orders, but not having to worry about spending made today's experience a lot more relaxed. The Food and Wine Festival was great. We all had a deliciously full time.

Despite venturing in and out of tipsiness throughout the day, I was never drunk. Any sort of inebriation was quickly curbed the minute I ate some food. I got a little annoyed at one point, though. Mom started in with her, "Okay, let's keep it under control," comments shortly after my first margarita. Fortunately, they didn't last very long. I think that's probably because I shot her my standard look, which screams, "That's enough, Mom!"

For whatever reason, Phillip was dying today. All day. I think Phillip is either chronically tired, or just doesn't give a fuck. Either way, we left Epcot around 6 p.m. and drove him back to the hotel. After relaxing for about half an hour to reset ourselves for the evening, Mom, Dad, and I went to Magic Kingdom to cap off our night. Phillip stayed in the room.

Upon arrival at the Magic Kingdom gates, I quickly came to the jarring realization that I had left my admission ticket in the hotel room. Instead of dealing with the 100-person line-up at Guest Relations, I pulled Phillip's pass out of my bag and decided to try my luck. Sure enough, the ticket worked. Thank God. I did not have another trip back to Wyndham Bonnet Creek Resort left in me.

Apart from the ticket mishap, tonight was a very bittersweet evening at Magic Kingdom. As always, I suppose. I've made a lot of great memories here, all of which seem to come rushing back whenever I visit. I realize it's a weird thing to admit, but a trip to Walt Disney World can be very emotional for me.

We hit all the best rides tonight. I made my trip "Under the Sea" on Journey of The Little Mermaid, convinced Mom to take the plunge on Splash Mountain, and flew over moonlit London on Peter Pan's Flight. I also cried during the fireworks show. Obviously, I know this isn't my last trip. It's always sad to leave, though.

We drove home around midnight. According to Dad's Apple Watch, we walked over 12 miles today. Not bad. The extra steps made me feel slightly less guilty about my lack of gym time.

Right before bed, I noticed that Phillip had posted a picture of PW on his Instagram account tonight. Seeing that photo only reminded me of how much I want to remove myself from social media. I've been thinking about this for a while, but each time something like this happens my immediate thought is to delete every account I have. I was tempted to unfollow Phillip, but that's not fair. Phillip is still my brother, and I should at least be somewhat interested in what he has to "share." Still, the fact that I am lying in bed at 1 a.m. and having this conversation with myself is enough to make me want to shut down everything. I can't delete Facebook, as it's my only way to stay in touch with friends around the world. Otherwise, I think Instagram and Snapchat need to hit the road soon.

I feel as though I've been in a toxic bubble lately. I can't escape. Blocking everyone I don't like isn't working, either. I think I've blocked fifteen guys this weekend alone.

"You're an asshole."

BLOCK.

"Fuck you."

BLOCK.

"You didn't want to date me? Go fuck yourself."

BLOCK.

What's the point of it all, anyway? Instagram used to be an outlet for me to make videos I found funny. Now that I'm not making as many of those clips – i.e., because I have a job that occupies my time – I find myself pressured to "share" things about my day. Who the fuck cares? Typically, I end up using the apps only when I'm drunk. Why should I feel compelled to post things, though?

I don't want people keeping tabs on me. Even if they are tabs that I've crafted myself. It's gotten to a point where I am not comfortable with people knowing that much about me. I don't want my life available for strangers to view whenever they want. I'm going to work on curbing a lot of that stuff – starting right now. Perhaps I'll start living my life, instead of viewing it through a phone.

Overall, the day was great. I'm about to explode. I'm also about to pass out.

I am so thankful for my family. They really are troopers. Everyone does so much for me, even if it's something like entertaining my Disney obsession and occasional rigidness. Thank you.

Goodnight xo