Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 2)

October 17

October 17

There's nothing like a good rubdown to completely shut off all thoughts of love and relationships. I even downloaded Tinder tonight for about five minutes, before I re-deleted the app after being reminded of the complete lack of prospects in this city. Not to mention the fact that online dating has never – and will never – work out for me. I'm an experience. As a result, my personality isn't something you can fully absorb by quickly flipping through photos of me that were taken three years ago. More importantly, I'm enjoying this current life of solitude.

Oddly enough, as I was walking home from the subway after the gym tonight, I saw Bryan walking down my street. Yes, that Bryan. I knew it was him, because he was wearing those fugly white jeans that only exist in Miami Beach. Bryan was also rehearsing some sort of a monologue or script, which he was reading aloud as he walked by. I didn't interrupt or make the effort to dive across the street and say hello.

It only took me five flights of stairs before I received a text message from Bryan, which evolved into a short exchange.

Bryan: "Did I just pass you on your street? If so, hi! Hope your Monday was good, Kurt 🙂"

Kurt: "Yeah, you did lol. But you seemed to be really into your script, so I didn't want to interrupt. Hope yours was good, too 🙂"

Bryan: "OMG. Always interrupt. It woulda been nice to catch up, Kurt"

Kurt: "Lol okay noted. To be fair, it did look like you were in the middle of a new monologue, so I didn't want to throw you off"

Bryan: "Haha I'm always in the middle of a new monologue. And hearing about your life is worth getting thrown off. Anyway, next time 😉"

That was the end of our conversation. You know, I don't think that catch-up will be happening any time soon. Thanks for the offer, though! If there's one thing I want even less than a new relationship, it's rekindling an old one. Besides, my left hand and I are doing quite well right now. I might even buy him a ring.

As much as I hate getting up before the sun, an early rise certainly has its perks. I love it when things are organized, and I have enough time to do everything on my list. I moisturized my body for the first time in months this morning, and that was after making a full lunch and ironing my shirt. How does she do it!

Work was ridiculous. Big Bird wouldn't shut the fuck up. This afternoon, Emma joked that she couldn't see my leash while we were eating lunch together. As in, the short rope that my boss keeps me on. It's ironic, really. Big Bird maintains such a close watch on where I am in the building, yet she has no idea that I spend about 75% of my day dicking around on the internet or napping. This is by no means a complaint. I am perfectly happy with my current "work" situation. I just find it to be an interesting observation. Big Bird has me working on a few things, but she's so scatterbrained that we aren't making progress on anything. It's taken us over three months to start testing out emailed birthday cards. Oy.

On that note, Big Bird wanted to have a meeting today to go over my various ongoing projects. First, I had to tell Big Bird that we needed to have the meeting outside of our office, because it was too distracting. Not for me, though. For Big Bird. Of course, that didn't change anything. While sitting in an empty event space, Big Bird proceeded to eat her fucking protein shake with a spoon and scroll through Facebook and Twitter every second she got. I never thought this type of work environment existed. I mean, it's seriously a wonder how Big Bird even manages to get to work in the morning without peddling her bike into oncoming traffic. God forbid she saw a rare bird species. That would be a one-way ticket to death by streetcar.

I left The Clubhouse after 5 p.m., tried on potential Mariah Carey "Heartbreaker" jeans at Black Market, and had no luck. Today was one of those days where nothing was really going "wrong" per se, but I still found myself incredibly irritated. I think maybe I get a period or something. Mind you, if I'm anything like Natasha, I'm just always having my period. It was hot, humid – thanks, global warming – people were annoying, and I was forgetting things. The whole day was just miserable. I released some of that stress in the gym tonight, and felt better on my way home.

Dan stopped by the Witch Cave this evening to try on my old Kurty Boo Boo pageant dress. He's going to wear it for his JonBenét Ramsey Halloween costume next weekend, which will be hilarious. Dan looks absolutely ridiculous in the dress. I love it. We caught up for a bit, swapped a few stories, and laughed as usual. Dan told me how he and Connor thought Evan's attitude was improving since he and his boyfriend broke up, which was news to me. Unfortunately, the attitude adjustment didn't last long. Fifteen minutes before Dan got to my apartment, Evan had apparently flipped out on Connor because he's going to be away during Halloween. Yeah. I know. The foolishness, I tell you! It's going to cause some major drama, but Dan and I will not be spending Halloween with Evan. Oh, Lordy. We'll see how that goes.

After unzipping Dan from my pageant dress, he went back to his place. I continued half-watching The Craft, which I had started before he arrived. After that, I rubbed one out, expelled all remnants of love, longing, and desire from my insides, and turned off the lights.

My focus right now is to lose weight, concentrate on what I want in life, and to become the best version of myself that I can be. Does one consider that to be selfish, or an investment in their own happiness?

Goodnight xo