Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 2)

August 28

August 28

I am so fucking full right now. I'm about to burst. I just took a Xanax to help me pass out.

We had a slow start to our morning. Zoe and I got to sleep in, which was friggin' fantastic. I've been needing a slumber like that for weeks. It felt so good.

Once I got in touch with Naomi, I started secretly arranging Zoe's surprise. I kept stalling, telling Zoe that I was, "waiting on a friend to drop off a check," but Naomi kept pushing out her arrival time. Eventually, I decided it was best to just go to brunch. Naomi could meet us there. At this point, it was after 1 p.m. and Zoe was on the verge of fainting because she was so hungry. If only I had that girl's metabolic problems. Hell, if I was hungry enough, I probably could have swallowed Zoe whole.

I thought Naomi was coming from the Air Canada Centre area, but she was actually driving in from the far west end of the city. While Zoe and I were waiting to be called for our table at Smith, we were sitting on the curb along Church Street. When a car barreled down the road and almost ran us over, I knew that had to be Naomi. The car turned into an alley. Two minutes later, Naomi snuck up from behind Zoe and sat down right beside her.

The surprise was absolutely priceless. Zoe was shocked. I loved it so much. The girls hadn't seen one another in about four years, so it was quite the moment for both of them. The three of us had a nostalgic, sweaty, mimosa-filled brunch on the back patio of Smith. Afterwards, Naomi wanted to "double fist" a cigarette and joint outside my apartment, so Zoe and I joined in the fun. Just the joint, though.

We were all pretty stoned. Once inside the Witch Cave, we gathered on the bed and I busted out my laptop for a trip down memory lane. The three of us were howling with laughter at all of our old photos and videos. They were fucking hilarious. I can't believe that I've known these girls for over six years. Where the hell did the time go? I feel like I was an entirely different "Kurt" back then. Another version of myself. Florida was so many eras ago. It's rare for me to hang out with friends who were around for that period of my life. I have a lot of friends who know the "old" me, but I don't see them that often.

In many ways, I am a very different person now. Yet, I've also remained the same. It's difficult to describe. Perhaps I'm just a more confident version of myself, if you could believe that? It's weird. It's also strange to think about the differences in little things, like the way I used to dress. When I first met Zoe, I was overweight, closeted, and sober. A year later when I met Naomi, I had only been out for a month. It's all so bizarre.

After our little trip down memory lane, we took an Uber – Naomi doesn't take transit – to King Street West and Shaw Street where Zoe was meeting another friend. Oddly enough, the friend lived in the same building as Natasha. Naomi and I picked up some beer, and headed to Trinity Bellwoods Park to relax and wait for Zoe. I was still pretty baked from earlier, but continued to smoke Naomi's vaporizer while drinking beer. As I'm writing this, I feel guilty again. Fuck. I wasn't over my limit by any means, but it still frustrates me that I can't even keep a promise to myself. On the same note, am I never to drink again? I feel really conflicted right now.

Despite Naomi being over it pretty quickly, we spent a while in the park. Naomi was in constant communication with her co-worker, Tara, who's now living in Toronto. Over the course of a couple hours, Naomi got it in her head that she and Tara would have to meet up tonight. Right from the start, I knew that this was a bad idea. It's not up to me to tell someone what to do, but I was hoping that Naomi, Zoe, and I would spend more time together tonight. I knew that if we included Naomi's friend in the mix, it would become a "Kurt & Zoe vs. Naomi & Tara" situation.

Naomi was itching to get out of the park. Tara was texting her non-stop, but I insisted that we wait for Zoe. Granted, Zoe was taking exceptionally long with her other friend, but I knew she really wanted to hang out and smoke some weed in the park. I wanted to make that happen for her! Eventually, Zoe joined us at Bellwoods. We spent about 45 minutes together, smoking a joint and then going on the swings high as all hell – both mentally and physically. I love those goddamn swings.

Naomi was done. We hopped in another Uber, and drove over to Tara's condo in The Distillery District – a.k.a. the last place I ever want to find myself. I don't like anything about that basic bitch of a neighborhood. The Distillery District is a fucking tourist trap at best. The interaction within Tara's condo was awkward, but fortunately fairly brief. The best way to describe Tara would be, "resident of Barrie," or, "Avril Lavigne fan."

I was so stoned. I had also been starving since brunch – my bottomless pit stomach had been activated the moment I woke up – and the others were, too. We ended up going to Mill Street Pub for dinner. As if it weren't bad enough that we had now separated into the aforementioned "Kurt & Zoe vs. Naomi & Tara" situation, Tara had now convinced Naomi to go to a strip club with her tonight. "Convinced" might be an overstatement, actually. Naomi was adamant about going, to the point that she was shocked Zoe and I didn't want to. Umm, have we met? I wasn't exactly looking to go to bed, but I sure as hell wasn't going to visit a strip club on a Sunday night. Or, ever.

So, that's what the evening turned into. While I was being an absolute pig and stuffing my face with food off everyone's plates, I could tell Zoe was upset. There was nothing I could do, though. It was obviously unsettling that Naomi was doing this when she hadn't seen Zoe in so many years, but it's also Naomi. It was what it was. What was I going to do? Force Naomi to stay?

Naomi hasn't had it easy. I know this. I feel as though when someone like Naomi grows up without anyone taking their feelings into consideration, this is the type of behavior that's exhibited. It's not that Naomi is selfish or less considerate of people. On the contrary, she is an incredibly thoughtful friend. Perhaps it's more about being oblivious to it all. I don't think Naomi realizes what she did tonight might not have been the best move. Oh, well.

On their way to the strip club in yet another Uber, Naomi and Tara dropped Zoe and I off at the grocery store near the Witch Cave. Naomi was really out of it. After hugging Zoe goodbye, she promised her that there would be a proper send-off tomorrow. I knew that wasn't going to happen.

Zoe and I picked up my groceries for the week, then walked home. We settled into our pajamas, and watched an episode of The Nanny with freshly baked cookies and ice cream before bed.

I'm about to throw up. Brunch, vegetables, dinner, ice cream, and cookies. What the fuck? I am on a goddamn rampage. Now, it's freaking me out even more. I can't fucking stop. This is so out of hand. I am putting an end to my appetite tomorrow. This will be a very healthy week, featuring consistent visits to the gym and no late-night binge eating.

The weed fucked me up this weekend. "The smoke got me!" To be honest, I am still a little high right now. I don't want to face tomorrow. This haze will have lifted, and then I will be forced to come to terms with the fact that I continued to booze and blaze every day this weekend. That is not okay. I want to try and fit an AA meeting into my schedule this week, but we'll see. I hardly have any time as it is.

Kate's bachelorette is this coming weekend in Montreal. Oh, and those bridesmaid bitches went behind my back! Apparently, half of the group is going an entire day early to celebrate Kate. I was livid. I also sounded off about it in the group chat. It wasn't my best look, but I didn't appreciate the sneaking around bullshit that those girls pulled. I needed them to know that if they try and fool me again, they are going down. That's not how I play. Since Kate isn't involved in any of the planning, it's going to make me look like such a shitty friend. I was so mad when Natasha told me about it this morning. Livid, I tell you. Livid!

Goodnightxo