Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 2)

October 11

October 11

I'm feeling very grateful for this Florida trip, along with everything my parents did for us this weekend. Well, since birth, really. However, I also feel quite guilty. I reached that point in the trip today where I felt like I needed to return home. The amount of money we were continuing to spend was freaking me out. Meals, gas, hotel fees, etc. It all runs through my mind, and I start to panic about my parents running out of money. It happens during every trip I take – even when Mom and Dad aren't involved. Money is always such a huge problem in my life. It freaks me out to no end when I think about the possibility of my bank account running dry, and then having to spend the rest of my life eating dog food from a can under a bridge.

I got up early this morning. Too early. As a result, I had Dad take me to Disney's Hollywood Studios while everyone finished packing up their things at the hotel. The park was busy and boring as all hell, as it's mostly under construction for new rides and areas. I ended up walking over to Epcot instead, where I got a little drunk on a margarita and had a giant German pretzel. I then tried to go on a ride, but ran out of time. The family was waiting outside the park to pick me up.

After finding our rental Jeep amongst a sea of vehicles, I jumped in and the four of us drove to Disney's Polynesian Village Resort for one last meal. Mom was probably the saddest about having to leave – more than me for once. If it were just me and Mom, I probably would have wanted to stay longer. However, Dad and Phillip were in some sort of weird mood today. Their gloomy vibe turned me off from wanting to continue the vacation with them. I love them, but it was enough.

Phillip continued to have a bit of a pretentious cloud surrounding him, during which he looked down at everything I said or did. Dad's mood would change every five minutes. Although, I suppose that's fairly standard. Dad usually gets that way beginning right before bed on the last night of a vacation.

Unfortunately, Dad's bad mood continued through our inevitable mad dash to the airport. Despite the fact that we were at Orlando International three fucking hours before our flight, Dad ended up yelling at us inside the terminal to get our shit together. I don't know why Dad always freaks out like that when it comes to air travel.

We ended up sitting in the pre-flight lounge for two hours before we boarded the plane. Naturally, this was followed by ridiculous delays, which had us stuck on the runway for over an hour. I was beyond tired, and asleep the majority of the time. The woman beside me also vacated her seat as soon as the seat belt sign was turned off. I never saw her again. My guess is that I was snoring pretty loud. If that's what it takes to get some legroom on a plane, so be it.

Back in Toronto, we grabbed our bags and stopped at the grocery store so I could pick up some food for the week. From there, I was dropped off at the Witch Cave.

I'm ready to move back to Casa Z. It's times like these that I wish I could be excited when I return to Toronto, yet I find myself just as disenchanted with the city as when I left. I'm ready to get back to work so I can make some money. Other than that, I just don't want to be here. I'm over it. I don't know how else to describe it. I'm so bored with my life here. I don't want to keep chasing trip after trip to find stimulation. I want to find it where I live.

I had such a strange encounter at Disney's Hollywood Studios today. While trying to sort out a ticket issue at Guest Relations, I was waiting in line behind an older blonde lady. At one point, the woman turned around and asked me something in a very thick accent.

"Yep," I mumbled.

"I knew it!" the woman shouted back.

Initially, I thought the woman had asked me if I was in line. Hence my mumble. When her response was that enthusiastic, I asked her to repeat the question.

"I was asking if you were a model," she clarified.

I laughed. It's my standard response when someone asks such an absurd question. As if they have any idea how the modeling industry operates when it comes to acne-ridden fatties.

"No, I'm not," I continued to chuckle.

"Well, you should be!" the woman insisted. "My son is handsome like you, and he is a very successful model in Paris."

This lady was not letting up.

"What do you do for work?" she asked.

"Actually, I don't have a job," I replied.

I took the easy route. At this point, I would rather be "unemployed" than have to explain my position at The Clubhouse.

"Well, what have you got to lose!" she encouraged. "You should just go for it. Take a chance. Sometimes in life, we are given opportunities to make a move. You have to seize the moment when it happens, because it's meant to be. You might not get another chance."

As the line continued to crawl forward, we each went to our separate windows for help. Later, when the woman was leaving, she tapped me on the shoulder and asked if she could take my picture. I said yes, and that was it. The woman disappeared into the park.

The whole exchange at Disney's Hollywood Studios made me think of the encounter I had at Woody's this past summer. How "The Stranger" at the bar had said something similar to me about my looks.

Why do I keep having these encounters? Is it more than a coincidence? I've been through all of that modeling stuff before, so I don't see myself venturing down that path again. Nevertheless, these strangers are certainly encouraging me to take a leap of faith into the unknown. That's why tonight, when I returned to my apartment in this city that I am so bored with, it made me feel so right about everything. That woman at Disney – a complete stranger – has unknowingly inspired me to take those chances right now. I want to go live that crazy life. And I'm going to! I am craving a change so badly. I have been for a while. I need to make some money so I can get things started. After that, I'm just going for it. I mean, why the hell not? Right? I'm not here for a long time. I'm here for a good time. I don't want to waste another second being unhappy.

Florida was great. Once at the Witch Cave, I unpacked and crawled into bed. I'm ready for work tomorrow. I'm also ready to lose some fucking weight.

Goodnight xo