Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 2)

October 2

October 2

I didn't have any dreams about broken teeth last night, so that's always a bonus.

Last night was weird. I couldn't fall asleep. I just lay there in bed, thinking about one thing after the other and second-guessing myself on everything. I hate that. I hate being uncertain about myself and my decisions.

I long for the confidence that I've come to believe I once had. The reality is, perhaps it wasn't ever really there in the first place. Still, when I look back at certain life events, I often think, "Wow, I did XYZ when I was only 21. What am I doing now?" For example, moving to Los Angeles alone in 2012. Just packing up my car and driving to California by myself four fucking years ago. That's crazy. As much as I long for that kind of adventure now, I also look back on those moments and they remind me of what I am capable of. If I could do something like that at 21, which is a freaking baby, I should be capable of so much more today, right? That's why it bothers me that I am stuck in this rut.

I'm sitting on my bed at the Witch Cave right now. As I type this, I feel as though I am confident in my decision to move out. Especially after each weekend I spend at Casa Z leaves me feeling happier than I expected. At the same time, ten minutes ago I was pacing around my apartment thinking I had made a bad decision. Do I love this place too much to leave it? Maybe it's just another item to add to my list of "attachments," which seems to be far too long as it is. I think it's best to let go this time. We've had a good run. Time for something new.

Obviously, I slept in this morning. It was Sunday. Let me live. After some Florida research and a bit of writing, I went downstairs to continue planning the Thanksgiving trip with Mom and Dad. I also played with the cat.

If there's one thing I love about going home to Casa Z, it's animal therapy. As long as we've had Tabitha, which is about 12 or 13 years now, I've never been more comforted by her. I totally understand why people get pets when they are lonely or depressed. Tabitha makes such a difference in my mood, despite the fact that she basically bitch slapped me across the kitchen this morning. Gotta love her.

Mom, Dad, and I worked on Florida stuff all day. Although the hotel has yet to be confirmed, we have booked the flights and a rental car. In other words, we're going to Walt Disney World! I'm honestly so excited. Words can't even express it. Holy shit! It's going to be so amazing. I am very happy about this.

This is what's so amazing about my family. We are so spontaneous. We've always been like this, too. The Thanksgiving vacation idea came about less than a week ago. Now, we are all flying to Florida this coming week – Phillip included. Everyone will fly out on Wednesday, and I'll take the evening flight on Thursday after work and meet them there. This is crazy. I fucking love it! Now, to continue planning. I still can't believe this is happening.

What's even better about this whole trip is that I texted Big Bird this morning and flat out asked if I could have the Friday and Tuesday off. Big Bird responded right away, letting me know it was totally fine. Amazing!

Okay. Wait a minute. There was more to it than that. If anyone asks, I have a sick grandma in Florida who was going to come to our house for Thanksgiving, but now she can't. Instead, my Mom and I are going to surprise her in Florida.

I know, I know. I am a horrible person. But, let's be real here. Mai-Mai would have been on board for this. Given Big Bird's response – "Take the days so you can surprise your grandma! Thanksgiving is important." – I think I know how to play this game. It was an elaborate lie, but I needed to specifically tie in Florida. It's 2016, man. You've got to be able to cover your ass if someone notices your social media is being posted from a different city. Hopefully, Big Bird won't ask any questions about my "siblings," though. I don't like to stack too many lies together.

I finished my workout before dinner, then sat at the kitchen table with Mom, Dad, and Tabitha as we all ate and discussed possible plans and activities for our trip – including all of the things we want to eat at Walt Disney World.

I had this idea yesterday, but forgot to mention it. As a small "thank-you" for this trip, I'm going to give each member of my family a $50 gift card for Epcot's Food and Wine Festival. They'll be free to buy whatever they want to eat and drink, without any financial guilt. Booze and food. What's not to like, right?

I'm so excited for Florida. I just want everyone to have a good time. A real family vacation, you know? Perhaps this is also some of my guilt manifesting itself through gifts. My parents almost always give into my cockamamie ideas, despite Phillip saying he doesn't want any part of them. I think we all know who is the more dominant personality. Maybe I should have been a lawyer, or some sort of salesman. I could sell poo to a toilet, for fuck's sake.

After dinner, I drove back downtown. I cried to Disney music along the way, thinking about how much fun I am going to have while I'm in Florida. I can't wait. I am so excited! This is so great.

Back at the Witch Cave, I unpacked all of my laundry and organized my life for the week. Now, I am going to masturbate and go to bed.

Good weekend. That's a wrap.

Goodnight xo