Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 2)

November 25

November 25

I woke up at 5:30 a.m. this morning, quickly realizing that I had passed out amidst a sea of popsicle garbage, weed, and BBQ sauce last night. Shit. Instead of dealing with the mess between my sheets, I set an alarm and went back to sleep. When 7:45 a.m. rolled around, I commenced my usual work routine.

Once at The Clubhouse, I settled in at my desk and got to work. Well, only after spamming some friends on Facebook with warped photos of celebrities. I call them "Good Morntings." When I finally got around to opening my work email, I came to the jarring realization that I had sent 60+ emails to the wrong members during yesterday's mailing blitz. Worse yet, those 60+ members were the same people I had emailed earlier in the day. Due to the fact that I value my life, I am not telling Big Bird about this. If my mishap is brought to her attention, I am just going to play dumb. Actually, playing dumb is something I am really good at. I'm not sure if that's a good thing, or a bad thing.

To be fair, I actually finished a decent amount of work today. I had planned on leaving early to combat the extra hours I racked up this week, but Big Bird had other plans for me. I ended up sitting in on a really awkward meeting with some brand representatives for a product we are looking to use for new member packages.

These types of meetings are awkward for two reasons:

1. Although I'm involved in all of these initiatives, I'm also leaving in a few weeks. I sit in my chair and pretend that I am completely invested in these projects, when the reality is that I won't be there to see things to completion.

2. I don't like to hold back my opinions. When Big Bird left the room to blow mucus out of her beak for the 20th time, the brand representatives asked me what I thought of their pitch. Much to their surprise, I denounced the majority of their suggestions.

I think my honesty upset the brand reps, but I don't really care. If you aren't ready to handle my opinion, don't ask for it. Oh, and you better believe that I'm going to call you out on products and plans that carry no concern for the environment. Perhaps it's a generational thing, but I don't think the environment was even on this company's radar before I dug it up. Lastly, if your name is "Paisley," chances are we won't see eye to eye.

I ended up leaving The Clubhouse before the meeting was over. It was the type of discussion that could have been accomplished with a well-worded email. I had considered taking the night off from the gym, but with no other plans, I decided it would be best to occupy my evening with some exercise. After all, the chances of me going home and eating/smoking on a Friday night are always very high. Why not prevent some weight gain by running six miles?

Tonight in the locker room, I shared the sauna with a super-hot straight guy. Obviously, nothing happened. Still, the whole thing made me realize just how fucking horny I am these days. Honestly, I need to get laid so badly. I want to do it before I move out of the city, too. I mean, come on! I just want one good boink fest to carry me through the winter. Is that so much to ask for?

After leaving the gym, I ran into Dan on the subway and we caught up while snaking our way home. It turned out that the guy Dan had been seeing for two months just ghosted him. When Dan called him out on it, the guy sent a long reply with the usual, "You're really nice, but I am not ready to be the guy you want me to be," message. As I know from experience, that kind of confession can be very heartbreaking. I feel for Dan. It fucking sucks. I don't even think Dan was pushing for things that hard, which is why the abrupt ending of his relationship was a bit shocking. Even if Dan was keen for something long-term, I don't think that's so far-fetched when you've been consistently seeing someone for two months.

Rejection is a horrible feeling. You get excited that you're connecting with someone. Your thoughts look to a happy future of what your relationship might evolve into. Just when everything feels too good to be true, it is. Someone reaches for a needle, and promptly bursts your bubble when they tell you that you're not what they want in their life.

"You're great, but not for me."

To be honest, stories like Dan's keep me scared of putting myself out there again. A part of it is because it's happened to me so many times before – most recently with Logan being the worst of them all. I get attached. Sue me!

Unfortunately, with that attachment comes a hard crash. Time after time, I inevitably wake up to the harsh reality that guys don't want to be with me. The rejection stings. If I'm being honest, the recovery from that pain takes far too long. I've spent so much of my adult life recovering from different traumas, instead of moving forward. I'm tired of it! Stop feeling so fucking broken, Kurt. Move on with your life. After all, isn't everyone a little broken?

Following my underground goodbye to Dan, I pulled some tricks at the grocery store and then walked home. It didn't take long before I was in bed with my pipe sticking out of my mouth and a full carton of candy cane ice cream in my stomach. Fuck! I watched The Simpsons, Chelsea, porn, and then crawled into bed.

I am very, very tired. I'm also looking forward to sleeping in and writing tomorrow. Actually, I might even take the day off from the gym. After nine consecutive days, I think it's time. I don't think I deserve it, but I do think it's time.

Goodnight xo