Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 2)

July 24

July 24

I didn't get much sleep last night.

I always find it funny how Nicky and I sort of just became natural friends because of Natasha. It's basically, like, if you enjoy and appreciate Natasha, you'll feel the same way about Nicky. They are sisters, after all. Case in point would be Dan – he loves both girls. I was really happy Nicky came out last night. But, now it was morning. I wanted her out of my fucking bed.

As with any morning after a night of drinks at my apartment, there were an obscene number of dishes to do. I got to work in the kitchen while Nicky gathered her things. Around 11 a.m., she returned to Natasha's place, and I continued my morning "chores" – a.k.a. being an adult – and then contacted Dan. I wanted to go back up to Casa Z today, and invited him to join me.

Once I had reset my apartment and put myself together enough to go out in public, Dan met me at the street corner like the hookers we are. After a quick Starbucks visit, we took the car out and drove up to the house.

There really wasn't much to do at Casa Z today. That was perfectly fine by me. Just like on Friday night, I popped some clothes in the wash, pulled out my Indiana Jones bong, and we sparked up. I made us some guacamole, and we went outside with our Big Gulps of ice water. I wasn't really interested in drinking today, and neither was Dan. We decided to get super stoned instead.

The only problem was that our neighbor Bruce's weed, which Dan and I have always called "Backyardigans," is losing its effect on us. We literally took about three pulls each from the bong, and still weren't feeling anything. Backyardigans is a pretty low-grade high to begin with, but perhaps we've just developed a higher tolerance for it?

I was getting frustrated. I gave Indiana Jones another shot, and took an enormous pull. One of those tokes where you can feel yourself getting higher as you hold it in your lungs. After that, I was decently stoned. To be honest though, this weed just isn't doing it for me anymore. I'll be high for about 15 to 30 minutes, and then it'll taper off and all I'm left with is a head haze and an insatiable hunger.

Apart from myself, Dan and Phillip have smoked the most of Backyardigans. I don't even think Phillip smokes much of it anymore, since he now visits dispensaries for his stash. I want dispensary weed again. I mean, I should really just be staying away from all weed in general. But, if I'm going to get stoned, I want it to last a while. Not hours on end like mushrooms or any of that tomfoolery – eight hours is too fucking long to be high – and I don't want it to completely paralyze me like that weed I took from Phillip a couple of months ago, but surely there's got to be a middle ground? I want to be stoned, and I don't want to be hungry. Is that so much to fucking ask for!

Dan and I spent the majority of our afternoon by the pool. Frolicking in the water, listening to music, eating chips, and me teaching Dan how to dive, as he had never learned as a child. It was very relaxing. Dan is just so easy to get along with. I never feel as though I have to cater to him, or find myself uncomfortable that he isn't saying what he really feels. I've written about this before, but that's the type of friendship I like the most. You shouldn't have to "work" at being friends with someone.

Eventually, we made our way inside the house. We smoked more weed, and I made us dinner. I guess I was high after all. I know this, because I spent an hour baking Dan and I chicken fingers I had found in the freezer, only to sit down, take a bite, and realize I had made an entire tray of battered fish. How was I supposed to know?

We wanted to watch Erin Brockovich tonight. Unfortunately, I didn't have it. I think we settled on Legally Blonde, or something like that. At this point, I honestly can't remember. I was so tired. I think I took a short nap while the movie was on, and once I had packed up my things and raided the fridge and pantry for free food, we drove back downtown. I dropped Dan off at his place, took the car to the garage, and then walked home in an attempt to combat the garbage I funneled down my throat all day.

Back at the Witch Cave, I unpacked, relaxed, and started smoking like a chimney again. Everyone in the city went to that WayHome Music Festival thing up in Barrie this weekend, so there were a ton of postings on social media, most of which I did my best to avoid. Especially any of Phillip's postings. My brother, that is. He went up there with PW.

Honestly, I'm now at a point where I don't want anything to do with Phillip – or his friend group. It's upsetting. After we sort of hashed things out a few weeks ago, a stronger relationship seemed very promising. Phillip and I worked things out, and I thought things were going to be great once I became a bit more involved and included in his social life. Well, that's all been shot to hell. Now, whenever I think of PW, I fucking cringe. That's a personal thing, though. Aside from Lauryn, nobody even knows that story.

I think, for me, PW is going to be one of those things that I pretend didn't happen. Actually, PW doesn't even exist to me anymore. "I don't know her." If anyone asks, that's what I'll say. Maybe I won't. I don't want to come off as petty. That's sure as fuck how I feel, though. The fact of the matter is that as long as PW is around, I don't want to be around my brother. That whole "cancel on you two hours before a third date because it's too serious" business is complete bullshit on PW's part. Furthermore, for my brother to excommunicate me from his own birthday gathering because of PW's foolishness is equally disturbing. I don't want any part of that nonsense. Bye!

On the social media note though, I noticed that Lucas Ingraldi went up to WayHome, too. It's not like I talk to Lucas anymore – or even had a proper date with him – but he was so much more of an adult about ending things between us. As opposed to PW, Lucas proved that there was a good way to handle these types of situationships.

I don't know what I was thinking chasing PW the way I did. The kid has so much to learn. Then again, so do I. What bothers me the most in all of this is me coming off as a total Debbie Desperate. That's not me. I am not desperate.

Ugh. Fuck. I was. I was so desperate. I was clearly making it known that I was looking for something serious with PW, and I scared him away as a result.

Now, I don't want to even touch a man. Somehow, given my track record, I don't think abstinence will be a problem. I seem to be the opposite end of the magnet – constantly repelling every guy within a 1,000-mile radius.

Anyway, it's not time to be upset about any of this bullshit. I'm going to get my life back together, and be happy with myself for once. Single. Independent. Alone. Solo. Unassisted, unbothered, and every other synonym in the book.

"It's a long road

When you face the world alone

No one reaches out a hand

For you to hold

You can find love

If you search within yourself

And that emptiness you felt

Will disappear"

— Mariah Carey, "Hero"

Is it weird that I'm vocalizing this in my head? It's expected, that's for sure.

Goodnight xo