Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 2)

December 25

December 25

How did I celebrate Christmas Day? Well, I'll get to that.

For starters, I had a festive celebration of my own just after midnight last night. This included masturbating in my creepy Quaker bed to some of the hottest porn I've ever seen. You best believe that once I sign off on this entry, I'll be doing the same thing tonight.

Christmas is so different nowadays. I really enjoy that it's not such a rush anymore. I also quite enjoyed not having an excessive number of unnecessary gifts to open and feign appreciation for. Well, that's not the best way to put it. I feign interest. My appreciation is always genuine.

I woke up around 9:30 a.m. Once downstairs, we were all opening presents before 11 a.m. I was absolutely wired on coffee, but that was okay. I figured, perhaps the extra caffeine would aid in metabolizing the disgusting amount of food I've been eating this week.

As much as I want to be penetrated again – or at least get naked between the sheets with a guy – I won't be doing anything of the sort until I have slimmed down. To be fair, part of this insecurity has to do with the guy's size as well. Fucking that Hobbit on Thursday really messed with my head. I felt so goddamn huge beside Levi. Not only that, but clearly, last week's copious amounts of Chipotle, chips, and Shake Shack have finally caught up with me. I can't do it anymore. I need to lose more weight. Get me back to that damn Hilton right now!

The "Merry Christmas" texts started rolling in shortly after I brushed my teeth. As the messages continued throughout the day, I even received a random one from Russell Gallagher – who I literally had not spoken to since last Christmas. Why is Russell back in the picture? And why did he recently add me on Facebook without any sort of message? It's odd. I suppose it's also odd that I still exchange messages with RX, but that's been discussed. It is what it is.

On that note, RX and I texted again throughout the day. At 12:04 a.m. this evening, I sent RX an official "Happy Birthday" message. While all of today's messages were reciprocated and responded to, there's still a voice inside of me that's not so optimistic.

"Don't get caught in the web!" she shouts.

RX is likely back in Toronto now, which means he is working and wrapped up in his social media life. I probably won't be hearing from him again. It was fun while it lasted. I guess.

Seeing as I received my laptop as an early Christmas present a couple of weeks ago, there wasn't much for me to open under the tree this morning. Much to my embarrassment, Mom kept repeating – not only to me, but to everyone else in the house – that she felt bad I didn't have anything. As I told Mom many times, this was what I had asked for. I didn't want to open things. I wanted a MacBook. That's what I got. I mean, I kind of wished there was a surprise iPhone under the tree for me, but that was a long shot. Besides, I have a phone right now. This laptop is everything I've ever wanted, and more. I absolutely love it!

As it is, there is so much in my life that I am trying to get rid of. The last thing I wanted today was more stuff to shove in a drawer or hide on a shelf. For the first time ever, I was able to achieve that goal. One item that will absolutely not be stuffed in a drawer is – my Gollum mask! Who knew that Phillip would be the one to pick up on the hints I dropped all month. He bought me the damn mask! I fucking love it. It's so stupid. So extra. Not-so-secretly, I kind of want to make Gollum into a video series on Instagram. It's hilarious! Thank you, Phillip. I love it.

The rest of the day was business as usual. I watched Christmas with the Kranks, which was followed by a classic family turkey dinner. Ashley and Oliver weren't at the Walkers' tonight, which was weird. They had to visit Oliver's parents' place for the night. That would fucking suck. I am so far from that point in my life, but it's definitely something I think about. How do you manage the holidays as a couple when your family is really into Christmas? Man. As if I didn't experience enough guilt with my parents as it is, imagine what it's going to be like if/when I have to miss a Christmas with them? Oy. Let's not even get into that.

Uncle Will was slightly less persistent with the alcohol tonight, which was appreciated. By the time dinner was over, I was ready for a glass of wine. So, I had one. That was probably around 8 p.m. or so. By midnight, I had finished the bottle. There was a point when I knew I was flirting with danger, but managed to keep it together. I'm proud of myself. Although, hmm. Wait. That was still a whole fucking bottle. Wow. It only took one week for me to do a complete 180 on what I promised myself. I'm such a piece of shit. Also, I didn't talk to Aaron today – nor do I plan to. At this point, I don't ever want to discuss that night again. I am going to actively avoid any interaction with Aaron for as long as I live. I need to press delete on that moment.

After an enjoyable dinner, I washed everything for Aunty Joyce and then settled into the family room with my dessert, wine, and How the Grinch Stole Christmas for the rest of the night. I messaged friends, talked to boys on Grindr and Tinder, and had a completely unexpected and lengthy conversation with Tito. I mean, I messaged a lot of people today. It's Christmas. You check in with friends, see how their holiday is going, and wish them well. Tito and I kept our exchange going, though. We spent a lot of time catching up tonight.

Although I admitted to Tito that it might have been the vino talking, I wanted him to know that I'm trying to be more aware of how my "extra-ness" affects others. I want to be more informed on what my friends are going through. As I told Tito, this change was somewhat sparked by an argument we had this past summer. I remember it like it was yesterday. Tito was telling me that he had a lot of stuff going on in his life at the time, but that I had no idea, because I'd never asked him about it. I felt horrible. I still do. I mean that genuinely. Tito always takes the time to ask how I'm doing, and I didn't reciprocate the concern. I apologized. Tito thanked me. Eventually, our conversation ended. It was certainly an interesting one, though.

Oftentimes, I feel as though Tito is coming on to me. I'm beginning to think that perhaps his interest is actually a genuine concern for my wellbeing, though. That type of platonic affection is so rare in my life that, when it happens, it feels as though someone wants something from me sexually. That being said, we also have a history. Tonight, Tito brought up the time he came over to Casa Z – i.e., the night we hooked up. I never know how to read him. I don't really have an interest in trying, though. That ship has sailed so far, it's in Fiji.

After Ashley and Oliver came home, I put on Drop Dead Gorgeous. I don't know why. A Kirstie Alley moment just felt right. After the couple left, others joined me in the family room until it was just Phillip, Evan, and myself watching the movie until 1 a.m. We hadn't even reached the part where the American Teen Princess Pageant queens blow chunks at the airport Howard Johnson when we had to go to bed.

So, that's where I am now. Back in this Mennonite bed, about to watch bareback porn and bust a nut into three Kleenexes. On a more wholesome note, I am so thankful for everything I have. My friends, my family, and even the men who have come and gone from my life, yet still feel compelled to check in with me.

I am loved. It feels good. I'm also chunky as fuck right now. That feels horrible. Fortunately, I can flush most of my bloat away once I'm back at the Hilton in a few days. Listen. If I can recover from my foot surgery weight gain debacle of Summer 2016, I can recover from anything.

I'm tired. I'm horny. I need to take care of business.

Happy Birthday, Jesus. Love you much.

Goodnight xo