Sleepless Solitude: The True-Life Journals of a Xanax'd Millennial (Part 2 of 2)

July 10

July 10

For the first time in at least a week, I didn't wake up in a pool of my own sweat. What a concept! The dryness was much appreciated.

Yesterday's rainy weather kept me inside all day, so I was happy to lie out by the pool as soon as I woke up. I threw on my Speedo, and stayed outside from about 10 a.m. until 4 p.m., by which point I had officially turned into a lobster. I am so red. I got to go swimming, though! Considering I hadn't submerged my foot or body in water in almost two months, my time in the pool was a real highlight for me.

Of course, if something can go wrong, it will. I was bitten by a horsefly right on my injured toe. It immediately started to sting, and my toe swelled to double its size within five minutes. I went straight to Mom for help. She had a bad allergic reaction to the same type of bite a few weeks ago, and ended up in the hospital because of it. Doctor Mom threw some Benadryl down my throat, and gave me some medicated cream for my toe. Mom also made us both a batch of piña coladas. After that, I went back outside and continued to cook my skin.

Following some chips, guacamole, and more drinks, I was ready to pass out. I don't think the piña coladas mixed well with my Benadryl. I stumbled upstairs, and fell asleep on my bed for a couple of hours.

The tan line from my Speedo is absolutely ridiculous. It looks like one of those awful porn tans, but I secretly love it. That being said, it was slightly nerve-wracking for me to be in a Speedo around my parents all day. I'm trying to let go of my insecurities, though. Do what I want, without worrying what others might think. If I can't swear a Speedo in front of my parents and in the privacy of Casa Z, I don't stand much of a chance in the real world.

I had dinner while watching one of my favorite movies, Erin Brockovich. Once Julia Roberts had saved the town of Hinkley, Mom and Dad drove me downtown. Right before we left the house, Dad blurted out of nowhere that he wanted to buy me a new laptop. I'm not going to lie. I really do want one. My MacBook has been on its last leg for quite a while, and both my parents know it. Apple's products don't come cheap, though. A new MacBook would be very expensive.

I'm hesitant to accept Dad's (very generous) offer. If he ends up buying me a laptop, I know that the guilt I will endure as a result will reach maximum levels. I'm so appreciative of the gesture, but it makes me feel really guilty knowing that my parents aren't making much money these days. A new MacBook would be so nice, though.

I am so grateful for everything my parents do for me. Yet, an incessant guilty conscience remains. I don't know why. That's why I don't like Mom making food for me, or doing my laundry. When we argue about it, Mom maintains the stance that those types of gestures don't bother her. A part of me cannot wrap my mind around someone actually wanting to do those things for someone else, though.

I see the way Mom is with Dad – constantly picking up his plates, fishing his used teabags out of the sink, washing his biking stuff – and it drives me insane. I don't want Mom to do any of that for me. Mom isn't my slave. I don't even like her picking up an empty water cup in my room. Yet, Mom still manages to find a way to serve me. Am I always going to feel this guilt? Am I the only one? I would be willing to bet that I am. It seems as though Dad and Phillip are more than happy to have Mom wait hand and foot on them. It all makes me extremely uncomfortable.