Evan's POV
I'm currently stuck in a bathroom with Jared tightly cradling me in his arms. My breathing was rapid with tears streaming down my face. You might be wondering, now what could possibly set off the most anxious boy in school? Jared. Jared could. But also social interaction. See I was giving a "speech" for the Connor Project and everyone wanted to hear my voice for some reason. Me being me got really freaked out from seeing all the eyes staring at me. I could feel their eyes burning through my neck as I scurridly shuffle through my notecards. I've never said anything aloud before so I had to have some kind of preparation.
Long story short, I freaked out (like always), dropped my cards, and as I went to pick them, I sat there. I just sat there on the floor looking at all the people that gathered just to hear me. Even if I could barely say anything without repeating myself or stuttering every other word. But what actually caused me to freak out was running. I couldn't think clearly and everything became fuzzy. My head began to spin, I tried to stand up when my legs felt weak. I almost fell down again if it weren't for Jared. He carefully held me so I wouldn't collapse on the floor.
"You okay Hansen? You want to take a little break?" Jared asked me, it was like a whisper, barely audible. I couldn't think straight and just started shaking uncontrollably. Another side effect of embarrassment or anxiety, choose your pick.
"Evan, buddy, listen to me..." it sounded like Jared was trying to talk to me but I could barely keep my eyes open. I wasn't tired, I was the exact opposite. I was wide awake like in the middle of the night when I just had a nightmare. I almost thought I was in one, I just wanted to wake up.
"Ev, breathe. Breathe with me. Listen to my voice, and only my voice." He was still hugging me, trying to calm me down but let's face it, I'm a wreck. I tried to slow down my breathing but that only caused it to speed up. I frantically looked around for something to hold. Whenever I start to break down, I have to have something to hold. It really helps. The only thing close enough was Jared. I quickly held his hand, squeezing it with so much force even I was surprised I could.
Even though my hands were sweaty and I couldn't breathe, Jared still held on to me. He even made sure he held my hand securely, reassuring me that he's there for me. I could always count on Jared for being there. All of a sudden I felt dizzy. I've never felt this dizzy before. I've had plenty of panic attacks and this was probably my worst one yet. Soon enough, the sharp pain always came to my chest. It was so agonizing, I just wanted it to stop. I tried to speak, "J-j-jar-red, Jar- Jared..", that was it. I couldn't take it. My ears started to ring. Finally, what I hoped wouldn't happen but did anyway, tears. Tears started to form on the edges of my eyes.
I'm crying in public. Oh my god. Oh... my... god. No. No. Nonono. I looked back at the crowd, they're all just witnessing me make a fool of myself. Nobody cares. Nobody is going to help. Nobody ever does anything. I look back at Jared with a traumatized expression. He immediately noticed and held me tighter. "Evan, I know. It's scary, it might even be terrifying. But you have to get past this. I will be with you every step of the way. Just breathe. I'm not going anywhere." He kept whispering into my ear, every once and a while it sounded like he was scared too.
Am I doing that...? Oh my- I am. I have to be. I'm making everyone feel worse, it's already bad enough that a kid killed himself! I need to get out of here. I got out of the hug and ran. Ran until my legs couldn't move. It hurt, but I had to keep going. Soon enough I couldn't stop. As I was running down the long hallways, the lights were blinding my eyes. My sneakers were scraping against the floors and made an unsatisfying noise that blared into my ears.
After what seemed like hours, I finally stopped. Only to realize I only made it to one of the bathrooms. I hope this isn't one of the girl restrooms. I basically threw myself in the stall with my head pounding while trying to lock the door. But I was so shaky I could barely grip onto it, let alone lock it. It's stupid really, I hated myself for not being able to lock a door, probably because of everything that happened in the last 5 minutes. So I just punched it. Ow. I start to become an idiot when I freak out. Other than the new pain that was forming on my knuckles, my head was still throbbing.
I tried to sit on the floor but yet again, I fell. I couldn't do anything right. Can't sit right, can't lock a door, can't speak in front of people. I freak out over the littlest things and I have no idea why. Why was I like this? I pushed away the only one who was helping me. I just got lost in my thoughts. Everything around me was quiet. Dead. Quiet. I was sweating down to my bones. I could barely breathe... I broke down.
I came back to reality to Jared busting through the stall that I thought was broken(?). It looked like he was crying too, the expression on his face was something I have never seen before. I could see his mouth move, almost yelling but I couldn't hear anything. Just a blurred ring in the back of my head. I looked behind me to see what it was but nothing was there... I'm guessing Jared noticed because he gave me a worried expression. I was still in the back of the stall, knees to my chest and rocking back and forth. Trying to calm my breathing down.
Until Jared pulled me into his embrace. It was so tight, but I knew what he was trying to do. It was comforting in a way, maybe it could help me. I hugged back, grabbing onto anything I could. His shirt, his arm, his hand. I went back to his hand with one of my arms. Just like earlier. He kneeled down then sat on his legs (I don't know how else to describe it), I was sitting on his lap with his arms around me. One of his hands was holding mine. For a while, it was just me and him, he was whispering reassuring things into my ear, again trying to calm me down.
"Ev, Ev please listen to me." Jared kept trying to get me to respond but no matter how hard I tried, only sobs came out. "You have to breathe. Copy my breathing." And so I tried, I listened to his heart beat and his breathing, trying to match it. See, my heart was currently doing backflips in my chest, and not in a good way. Since my mind was so clogged by random thoughts, I did only what Jared told me to. After countless attempts, I finally slowed down my breathing. Once he noticed, let out a relieved sigh and brushed my hair with his other hand. It felt so relaxing I couldn't help but snuggle closer to him. He was so warm and I only realized just now.
If I noticed this, all of this could've stopped way earlier. Eventually I felt Jared let out a relieved laugh. I couldn't help but do the same. It was finally over. As my breathing slowed, so did my sweat, tears, and the ringing until it all came to a stop. I could finally see clearly, hear everything around me. I didn't hear just my heart beat overpowering everything else. I heard Jared. We just sat on the floor for a few more minutes until we were finally ready to leave.
"I couldn't thank you enough for that Jared, thank you." I started to walk out the restroom as I looked at Jared.
"No problem, Acorn. I'm glad I could help." Jared said as he was still holding my hand, another thing I just realized.
"Y-you can l-let go of, of my hand now." Of course my regular stuttering is back.
"Oh, right, yeah." He let go of my hand but I couldn't help but notice (finally, right?) how his mood suddenly changed. He looked, kind of... disappointed. And without thinking I went to hold his hand yet again. I looked up at him and offered him a smile. It surely boosted his mood as he chuckled and squeezed it just a bit tighter.
