Chasing the Sun

046

I was restless the whole night as I thought of what has happened to me and Tawan. Thinking about it, it almost seemed like history repeated itself the day I met the shining boy on a bus ride to school. We started off as complete strangers to one another, until one meeting led to another, and we found ourselves being comfortable in each other's space. And it made me fear that if I went any further, I'd end up losing someone dear to me just like the last time. For a long time I blamed myself over the death of my best friend, and seeing how things went out of hand back at Doi Inthanon, I thought that it would be better if things ended before they got worse.

"Knock knock!", A familiar voice echoed across the room. It was Tawan, standing by the door with a huge smile on his face. He was wearing the same hospital clothes like mine, and his left arm was supported with an arm cast. His forehead was wrapped with bandage as well. He looked much better than the last time I saw him.

I let out a weak smile as he walked towards my direction and immediately hugged me. I longed for his embrace, and now that he had his arms around me, I felt both relieved and sad that he was hugging me, I didn't even had the strength to hug him back.

"Are you okay?", He said as he put his hand on my forehead, as if checking if I was sick.

"I'm alright, how about you? do your injuries still hurt?"

"A little. I slept like a log yesterday and woke up just a while ago, so I feel kinda refreshed and energized."

"That's nice."

He must have noticed how sluggish I replied because he shifted closely to me and held my hand tightly. His warm hand felt foreign in my skin, it's almost like it's been decades since the last time we touched. I twitched as he held my hand causing it to withdraw as our fingers met. He was taken aback at my sudden withdrawal, and his eyes contained an imagery of worry and awe.

"Are you...really okay?", He said, his voice sounding uneasy.

"I am.", I said as I looked away from him and stared at the window. The skies were heavy amid the day, and the branches of the birch tree were scratching against the window pane in an aggressive manner, signaling that it would rain soon.

"I know you're not, but if I can't bring you to tell me what's wrong, I won't insist."

Just then, he let go of my hand and exited the room without saying a thing.

Moments later, he came back carrying a plastic bag with the logo of 7-11 in it. I wasn't sure at first what they were, but later on realized that they were foods. 

Before I could even say a word, he placed the bag on the table attached to the hospital bed. One by one, he took out the foods out of the bag. There were chips, cup noodles, chocolates, dumplings, ice cream, and even a slice of cake.

"I haven't eaten since the day we got admitted, so starving is an understatement right now. You should eat too, I bought this for you.", He said as he peeled the lid of the cake that he bought. It was a slice of a strawberry shortcake that had a small strawberry placed on top. It looked decadent, and my mouth watered just at the sight of the dessert.

"I'm good, you can eat them."

But my stomach growled in sheer disapproval. 

"You're stomach disagrees though. Come on, have a bite.", Tawan said as he forked the cake and gestured to feed it to me. Although I felt awkward and did not really want to have him feed me, he insisted and did it anyway.

"Aj and his friends were kicked out of the school after what happened."

My eyes grew big as he uttered those words. 

"And you?"

"I told them what really happened, so all I got was 12 hours of community service at school.", He replied with a smile, as if he had already forgotten how badly beaten he was just days ago. It annoyed me that he shrugged something that big so easily, considering that it was his own life on the line when he fought them. In my frustration I pushed over his hand that he was using to feed me, causing the cake to stain his hospital gown. 

"Are you okay? are you stained anywhere? does the cake taste awful?", He said as he checked on me, completely disregarding his own bedraggled clothes. 

"Are you dumb or what? Why do you keep on caring for me when you're the one who takes all of the blow?", I screamed, my voice shaking as my eyes started to get watery. I felt tears coming out of my eyes down to my cheek as I looked at Tawan. He was taken aback by my sudden outburst, completely fazed and confused at what he did to make me feel that way.

"That day at the cafe when you and Aj almost fought, it left me restless knowing how uncomfortable you must have been knowing that he's around and I'm with you, but I never heard you complain to me. All you ever did was assure my safety without minding yours."

My voice was getting hoarse at each word that comes out of my mouth, and my nose had gone runny with all the tears that I was shedding. Tawan stood in front of me, still confused and unsure of what he'd say.

"Then this happened. The fucking incident happened! You were beaten so bad, Tawan. If only you saw yourself the way I saw you that day, you'd know how I feel. Because you feared that Aj would out me and our relationship, you took the matter into your own hands and put your life on the line for me, again. And now you're just going around acting sweet and feeding me as if that fight happened decades ago. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

I could hear my own voice echo across the room as I screamed at Tawan. I didn't know when it started, but the rain poured heavily as the both of us stood in silence. His eyes were getting wet too, but all Tawan could do was bite his lip as I shouted at him.

"Y-you told me....you told me we were gonna share the weight of the world together. But you've become so selfish and took all the suffering for yourself."

As if the skies knew of our state, the rain poured heavier and nothing but the vociferous sound of the torrent could be heard. The branch of the birch tree that stood in front of my window pane no longer scratched, the strong wind tearing it apart. For a while, everything felt calm.

"I...I didn't know you felt this way.", Tawan said as he walked towards me. I couldn't bring myself to look at him because I knew that if I did, my heart would shatter and I'd immediately withdraw from making my decision.

"Let's end this."