Chasing the Sun

071

Amid the scorching heat of the sun outside, the room was undeniably cold with the heaviness that New's mom and I had in our hearts.

"Are you guys okay?", New asked when he woke up.

Even though her loneliness was obvious, New's mom put on the same bright smile she wore whenever she talked with her son.

"Of course, honey. By the way, I'm sorry if we didn't wake you up, you were sleeping soundly so Tawan and I ate ahead of you."

That moment, his mom's face changed drastically as if we didn't feel miserable just minutes ago. She really had a way to hide the pain that she felt, and I guess it was something New got from her too. They were both experts in hiding their true feelings.

But that day, I really didn't need to know that they were lying behind those smiles, because all three of us knew what was happening and we were only scared of bringing it up.

"Hurry up now, your treatment will start in a few hours. Your food's on the table."

New shifted for a while before jumping out of the bed, and there I saw how drastically he changed throughout his treatment. I didn't notice it last night as the room was poorly lit, but he lost a lot of weight in the few sessions of his chemoradiation. 

I remember how his legs had more muscle than mine, but seeing him that day, his legs almost skin and bones, I couldn't help but feel like crying. The hospital gown covered a large portion of his lower body, and only a small part of his leg including his foot was visible, but it was enough to realize that his weight had decreased severely after the treatment.

"Wait there first.", His mom called out, stopping New from getting off the bed completely. Then, she grabbed the wheelchair on the side of the couch and opened it.

"Get in honey.", She said as she positioned the wheelchair on the bedside so New could transfer. He winced uncomfortable as he tried to get off on the bed to the wheelchair, clearly having difficulties in supporting his weight.

"Arrgh", New groaned, completely in pain. The muscles in his arms and legs shook uncontrollably as he tried to get ahold of the chair.

As shaken I was with what I was seeing, I tried my best to gain strength and rushed to help New get on the wheelchair. When I carried him to the chair, his hand gripped on my wrist with such force, as if he was scared that I would let go of him. He seemed agitated, but he didn't want it to show.

"Thank you.", He said in a faint voice.

"Can I?", I asked his mom, who was just about to grab the wheelchair's handle so she could drive him to the breakfast table.

"Of course.", She replied smiling, and handed me the opportunity to bring my boyfriend to the table.

It felt weird, holding the handle to the chair. I almost didn't want to do it as I felt miserable seeing my lover seated on a wheelchair that I was the one who's moving, but I couldn't let him know how doing it made me feel.

"I feel like a royalty sitting here, I can go anywhere without actually walking.", New joked when we reached the table.

How can you joke at a time like this?

I knew immediately that he had noticed the heaviness when he woke up, so he wanted to lighten the mood by making a joke out of his situation. I felt mad, because he was again acting like everything was okay, when in fact it wasn't. But more than anything, I felt miserable. 

"Yeah, but you won't get anywhere without me."

"That is why you're a peasant, and I'm a King."