Chasing the Sun

084

I woke up to familiar feeling of something warm on my skin, and when I opened my eyes, the sun was already shining brightly from outside the windows. The white curtains on the window hardly blocked the entry of the sunlight, so my eyes were greeted with the bright surrounding the moment they opened. The faint chirping of birds can be heard at a distance, and I would've forgotten about last night's heartbreak if it weren't to heavy on my chest.

I turned around and saw New sleeping soundly beside me. His face was fairly lit with the natural light that struck through the room, and he looked peaceful in his slumber. His hair had gone long that it was already sticking below his eyes. I brushed the hair to the side and got a clear view of his face, a sight that never failed to captivate me every single time. The cancer had caused his cheeks to lose fat and he looked skinnier compared to the first time we met, but he was still a striking image that made my heart pound even after getting thin. I wondered if the pain temporarily subsides when he's asleep, because it was only during his rest that he looked completely free from the pain. 

After admiring his face careful not to wake him up, I finally got out of bed and headed out of the room. After opening the door, I heard a faint voice talking on the living room. It was deep and whole, clearly not of New's mom. Curious of who it might be, I walked towards the living area, the wooden floorboards creaking with each step that I took.

"You woke up just in time", New's mom greeted me from the living room as she wore a smile. In front of her, a man was sitting on one of the chairs, his back facing mine. I didn't need for him to turn around as I know who it was as I already. 

The man stood and turned around to look at me, and just as I had expected, it was my father. He was wearing a gray longsleeve that was rolled up to his elbow and the way his hair was styled, it was either he just came back from a trip or preparing for another. I didn't want to know.

"I should probably check on my son and let you two talk.", New's mom said as she excused herself from the living room and walked past me to the room. When our eyes met, she gave a "be good to your father" look, as if she knew I wasn't really in the mood to talk to him.

"Just got back from a trip?", I said as I sat on one of the chairs, trying my best not to let my cool down. 

"No, I'll be flying in an hour to Japan."

"Figures."

Silence crept in on the room and I began to feel awkward with what was happening, so I decided to break the silence myself.

"What did you come here for? How did you even find me?"

"I have to tell you something before I leave.", My dad replied in a calm way. It was the longest time we spent together in an enclosed space as I never really got to talk to him, so it was both strange and new to me.

He sighed deeply as he looked outside before turning to me, and wore a smile.

Surprised by his sudden smiling, I couldn't help but feel even more uneasy sitting in front of my father. The last memory I had of him smiling at me was when my mother was still alive, and him smiling at me that time made the memories come rushing. It was hard to recall with all the years of being distant with him, but I did have my share of good moments with my dad.

He was the one who taught me how to ride a bike at a young age, and every now and then we would go fishing whenever he found the spare time he could spend with me. We would go to vacation homes just like New's family's, spend the entire afternoon catching fish and exchanging makeup stories of horror at school, and when the sun set, we would go back home and mom would cook the fish for us to feast on. We were actually a happy family, an ideal set up that every kid got jealous of seeing. 

"Is he...is he here?", My father asked.

"Yeah, resting."

"Is he--"

"He's dying, dad if that's what you want to know. Another important person in my life is dying, and again I can't do anything about it.", I replied, furious for some reason. My heart was brimming with too much anger that I clenched my fist and my eyes squinted. I was so mad, and maybe it was because I hadn't really forgiven him for the words he said that night, the way his eyes shot a constant glare of despise as he told me he didn't want a gay son. 

My father was taken aback by my sudden outburst that he couldn't speak after I talked, but it was something I had expected already. He was always the type to remain silent even when the situation was worse, just like when mom died. He didn't mutter a word or even shed a single tear to show his remorse over the passing of my mother. 

"Don't worry, I won't love another man again.", I ended forcefully as I gritted my teeth. It was both true and devastating to say that as I already knew I wouldn't be able to love a man again even after a long time passes. I don't think I will ever love again, at the very most.

I stood up from my chair as I couldn't bear the sight of my father in front of me any longer and opted to leave him out, but he stood just as I did and held me by the wrist. 

"Son, hear me out. Please.", He said as he let go of my wrist the instant he held it.

I could have sworn that I hated every second that passed with him standing in front of me, but for some reason I was compelled to stay and listen.

"When your mom died, I felt like my world was going to collapse. Everything happened instantly and I couldn't take it."

Liar. You didn't even shed a fucking tear!

"But I had you, my son, and I couldn't let you see me mourn over the passing of the woman I loved the most. I knew it wouldn't be good to you if you saw me crying, so I never showed it to you. I only cried whenever you slept, and in the morning I tried my best to still look unfazed. I'm your father, and I can't look weak in front of you.", My father explained in a hoarse voice. He was twisting something on his finger, and maybe it was because I paid little attention to him in the whole time we sat in front of each other, but he was actually twisting a ring--his wedding ring with my mom.

"I figured if I worked harder and earned money to suffice all your needs and give you a comfortable life, I'd be doing a great job as a father, but little did I know my son was slipping against my grip with every milestone of yours that I missed. I'm sorry for all the Christmases and New Years you had to spend alone. I'm sorry if I paid no attention on your school, I didn't know you were already getting into fights because of me. I'm so sorry, I'm sorry that I hated you for being who you are."

Just then, he locked me into his arms and pulled me into an embrace. He was crying, a sight I never once saw in my entire life. As he embraced me into his arms, I felt small. I felt like I was being hugged by someone stronger than me, but at the same time it offered a warmth that consoled me with each second that I remained locked in my father's hug. It was something I had no memory experiencing, a completely new feeling that I felt only after hugging my father. Before I knew it, I was already crying a river.