Chasing the Sun

058

I woke up to an arm wrapped around my waist, and a leg on top of mine. It looked familiar at first glance that I didn't have to look at the face of the person beside me, because I knew immediately that it was Tawan.

Under the fairly lit room, his asleep face looked angelic, like an actual angel taking a rest in  my arms. His eyes were covered by his messy hair, so I brushed it to the side so I could get a better view of his face. In all the times that I slept in his arms, I thought about how it felt to be someone's rock, a safe space where you can rest your worries and doze off without fear of anything. And seeing him asleep on my arm, I realized how it feels--the way I looked bigger than him, and how I support his body so he could sleep comfortably, my arms stretched to an angle that I did not find comfortable but on the contrary was a good spot for him.

It was in that small gesture that I found out how much Tawan had been sacrificing things for my me, even in the littlest of things.

My alarm went off, signaling that it's almost time for classes to start. Tawan shifted uncomfortably and started brushing his eyes off aggressively, so I fished my phone out of the table and immediately turned the sound off.

"Shhh, you can sleep more babe.", I said as I brushed his hair in an attempt to keep him from sleeping.

I figured he would not sleep any longer and just wake up, but I guessed he was too tired that he couldn't help but grab the opportunity of sleeping for a couple more minutes. That was the best I could do for him with my current situation, and I hoped that even for a few minutes, I gave his heart a serene moment in the midst of our struggle.

After what seemed like an hour, we finally woke up. I slept in as well as I watched over him, so we were both able to extend our rest.

"Good morning", Tawan greeted in full smile, his eyes almost closing as his mouth curved.

"Good morning, did you sleep well?", I replied as I gave him a smile.

"Yes, thanks to your arm I was able to sleep like a log."

"Yeah, now it's numb from carrying the weight of your head."

We joked for a bit about how my arms went numb because his head was so heavy, and at that moment I almost forgot that it was the day I was going to start my treatment. Whenever I'm with Tawan, I always get lost in the moment, losing track of what was happening.

If it weren't for the nurse who knocked on the door, we would have remained teasing each other.

"Good morning Sir New, I'm here to confirm your treatment for today. Are you going to proceed with the treatment later?", The nurse said as she entered the room.

I looked at Tawan, whose once beaming face turned serious, sighed deeply, then turned to the nurse in front of me.

"Yes, yes I will."

"Well then, we will prepare the room now and by lunch time, we will again come back to escort you to the treatment room."

The nurse bid her farewell and on her way out, my mom was just about to enter my room.

"So, it's really going to happen now huh?", My mom said in a rather calm manner as she placed two plastic bags of food on the table.

"mhmm.", I replied.

We were silent the whole meal, completely opposite from the loud dinner that we had last night. The air was heavy, and both mom and Tawan were obviously tensed while they ate. He couldn't even look at me in the eye, and his soup had gone cold because he never took a sip and just spooned the food continuously.

"This isn't gonna work.", I said as I put my food down and fished my phone on the bed.

Tawan and mom were completely perplexed by my sudden action, and I could see that they were obviously not in their right minds with the way they were taken aback with my words.

As I moved back to my place, I opened the camera of my phone and flipped it frontwards, and started recording a video.

"Good morning! Today is my first day of chemoradiation therapy.", I gleefully said as I recorded myself.

"Beside me are my the two people that I love the most. My mom, and my boyfriend Tawan. But they seem to feel down because it's my first day of getting treatment, so what do you think should I do?"

That time, they were obviously shocked by my sudden vlogging, but in my mind I was just thinking of something I could do to somehow uplift the mood.

"Aha! I'll just sing them a song. If you guys didn't know, I'm actually a very good singer."

I cleared my voice and sang to "no definition" with all my might, with my hand gestures going overly exaggerated.

"Mai mee niyahm kwahm ruk kaung rao wah bpen baep nai", I sang as my voice cracked. I knew I was not gifted with the ability to sing, so it must have been a suffering for my mom and Tawan to hear me sing.

From my camera, I saw them exchange glances and eventually smile, which in turn made me smile as well. Finally, the heavy feeling that the three of us felt disappeared because of my singing.

"So all it took was my beautiful singing to make you two smile huh? I guess I should start recording my album then.", I teased as I raised my eyebrows in a bragging way.

"Yeah, you sounded like a dying pig!", Tawan blurted laughing.

"Hey!"

The room got filled with our laughter as they teased me about my voice, and for a while they were able to get rid of the heaviness that they felt.

"Mom? Tawan?", I said calmly as I interrupted our moment.

Their smiles faded, but they were rather calm than sad as they waited for me to talk.

"I know both of you are worried about my treatment, and I can't tell you to stop because I too, am worried."

I reached out for their hands and continued talking. I could feel how cold their hands were, so I held on to it tightly as I talked.

"But please know that I took this huge step because of you two, so I can see you smile at the end of the day, and make you feel that I'm also capable of making decisions for everyone's sake. It's a whole new thing for all of us, but right now, the only choice left is to take on the challenge of getting through the painful process of this therapy."

My heart ached as I talked but I did not let my worries get the best of me.

"When I enter the room later, I'll be putting my life on the line. I don't know if I'll be any different after the treatment, but I'll be expecting that I'll see you both after the medication ends, and you'll hug me tight and cheer me on, alright?", I said as I gave them a reassuring smile. I didn't know if my words gave them an impact, or if my smile looked reassuring, but I knew that each word I spoke came from the bottom of my heart, and I meant well.

"Alright.", My mom replied in a smile.

"And you?", I pointed at Tawan.

He didn't answer immediately, but he returned to me a smile that made me feel the affirmation that I needed.

"Alright."