Chasing the Sun

083

I could hardly remember the view from outside of the house the moment my eyes met the horrible sight of New's hand. My limbs were shaking, knees trembling that I almost lost my balance standing beside the man I love. Funny how the precious minutes that we spent sitting there, admiring the sunset as the nature sang songs of glee, all turned into a sinister memory the moment New coughed blood. It was as if all the colors of the surroundings were reduced to none, and what was left for my eyes to see was an imagery of black and white.

It was an inevitable end that I knew beforehand, but the tragedy of losing someone you love is not some type of cyclone that even if you knew prior to its arrival, you'd be prepared to embrace the damage that it might bring. I was not oblivious of the fact that his condition was getting worse by the minute and that there was nothing left to do but wait for the agonizing moment to come, but there was simply no measure that I could possibly take to withstand the devastation that was about to come.

Tears had been shed and prayers were made, but his body could only hold the pain for so long and the excruciating pain would cause his system to collapse, a fact no amount of kisses or hugs could ever sweep away. His breathing had slowed down and he was no longer able to do the slightest of movements, making him bed ridden. His lips that were dried had lost its natural hue, only the blood that he had coughed coloring the surface of his mouth. At that point, even asking him to keep fighting amid the immense pain he had been feeling would be very selfish of me.

The next days were a hit or miss. Some moments he would be able to sit up from the bed and try to sit on his wheelchair, but most of the time New spent his time on the bed. It wasn't actually a hit or miss as he never really showed any sign of progress, but the remaining ounce of optimism in me made me think that even the slightest of changes in his condition were actually signs of recovery, and that he'd miraculously be free of cancer. 

But New was getting tired, and it showed. The following day after that night at the garden, he was still trying to overcome the fatigue that he had been feeling by stretching his limbs so it won't go numb, but his efforts never equated to even the slightest bit of recovery. And as much as neither of us did not want to face it, his body was collapsing with each second that passed.

"You should take a rest, it's not like I'll go anywhere. I could barely talk, you know.", New said in a faint voice.

I couldn't remember the last time I was able to get rest with all the things that had happened. I was restless, and although I did lay my body to sleep, my mind was very much awake, submerged in a train of thoughts that didn't seem to have an end.

"Lie down with me please", He muttered as his thin fingers patted the sheets of the mattress. 

I didn't want to do it, but I figured that maybe the bed was just too big for him to sleep on alone, and he wanted me to share it with him. I went into the bed and lay flatly on top of the mattress as I looked at the ceiling. My fingers touched the linen sheets of the bed, and in the whole time I slept on it, it was only during that moment that I was utterly feeling the soft cloth on my skin. The mattress felt soft and inviting, it felt so strange that the bed was suddenly a comforting surface on my back.

"You're tired too, aren't you?", New asked, also looking at the ceiling.

Was I tired? I didn't know. I had been taking care of him nonstop, day in and day out, keeping him company all hours of the day while still thinking of my unfortunate departure from a household that never seemed like home. 

In the whole time that my body and mind were working concurrently without a pause, no one ever asked me if I was tired. I guess it was the lack of the opportunity to recognize my exhaustion that caused me to temporarily deter the feeling of being tired, but at that time, his question suddenly made me feel lethargic. Suddenly my shoulders felt heavy and strained, and the pain in my legs increased exponentially. In the whole time that I didn't stop taking care of New, I pushed my body to the limit unbeknownst to my own self, and it was only because of a simple question that I realized my body was taking a toll on me.

"Sleep now, Tawan. This time, let me watch over you."

I was opposing the idea of sleeping because I felt like it would be wrong of me to steal away even a few minutes of rest, but my body was suddenly too tired, and I couldn't even say no. I cried silently, looking at the ceiling as my eyes slowly closed shut. Not once did I fear sleeping in the entirety of my life, but in that moment, closing my eyes had me trembling in fear that I'd wake up to my heart shattered to a million pieces because New was already gone. It was a grim thought that I kept imagining as I forced my eyelids open, but my fatigue got the best of me. No matter how much I tried not to, my eyes still shut and I found myself falling into slumber.

That silly woman, who would've known that she would be right? My heart beat fast for New the moment I saw him in that unprecedented moment, and before I knew it, I was already in love. Now, he's disappearing right before my eyes, and I'm wishing that I never should have felt it in the first place.