Chasing the Sun

072

"Wait here, I'll open the shower and set the water to a warm temperature."

The bathroom was small, as expected from a hospital room's bathroom, and the space was not even enough for New and I to sit beside each other. The actual shower and toilet was separated only by a thin divider, and it could hardly ever fit two people if ever they choose to take a shower together.

I opened the shower and set the temperature to a warm, and got out.

"I'll carry you to the toilet first so I can fold the wheelchair, and then I'll give you a bath."

He looked at me with a rather shy face, and nodded.

After folding the wheelchair, I set it aside and went back to New. 

"Let's get this thing off.", I said as I reached for the knot of his hospital gown. But just as I was about to untie it, his hand caught mine and stopped me from doing so.

He looked at me, his eyes filled with shame. 

"I...I don't want you to see me like this.", He said, his voice soft and cracking, almost inaudible.

"I've seen your body before, and it's beautiful. What makes you think I'll change my mind?"

"But I'm no longer my old self, Tawan. All these wounds, dry skin and skinny body, it's making me feel ugly, and I know I am.", New replied in frustration.

He sounded anxious as he told me about his imperfections and how he was adamant about not showing it to me. Looking at him back then, he really did change. His skin was dried up from the exposure to the radiation, his lips had cracked and were bleeding as well, and his body had gone skinny from head to toe. The anxiety it caused him seeing his body deteriorate right before his very eyes had caused him to resort to self-loathing, and he failed to appreciate his beauty because of the imperfections that he had.

It was my turn to hold him by the hands, put it in my chest.

"Babe, look at me.", I said. He didn't look, and continued to glue his eyes on the tiled floor.

"If you love me, look at me."

Although he was against it, New eventually turned and looked at me. I pushed his hands deeper into my chest, making sure that he felt every beat of my heart as our face leveled.

"Feel the beat of my heart, New. Feel it."

I paused, letting him understand the reason why I shoved his hands into my chest. Still, he remained confused and boggled.

"This...this is how fast my heart beat that night when we first showered together. I felt like my heart would jump right out of my chest, and I couldn't keep my eyes out of the beautiful image that stood before me."

"See, it still beats the same even after all that has changed in your body. No, it did change. It's beating louder than before, and any minute now my heart will combust just looking at you."

I let one of my hand go and held his cheek, the other still clasping his hands.

"I know you seem to feel like you're nowhere near who you were before, but believe me when I say your beauty never faded even with all the radiation stripping you off. You know why? Because you're beauty lies in your heart, and that's something no amount of radiation can ever penetrate. Your dry skin and skinny body, those are just the illusions that your eyes trick you into believing that you became less, but in my eyes and your mother's, you never lost an ounce of the beauty that you possessed."

My voice was shaky and raspy trying to articulate the thoughts in my head, but I was glad I told him the truth. 

"I love you, New. I always have, and always will. Please don't think for a second that you're less than who you were, because you're always more than who you'll ever be."

He didn't say anything and only pulled me into a hug, but it was more than enough for me to understand what he was trying to tell me. 

"Shall we?"