Chasing the Sun

064

In the morning, Tawan was already gone and I was again alone in my bed. I did not bother searching for him across the room as I already knew he had gone to school, so I proceeded with my usual routine for the day.

"You look different now than yesterday, did you eat something I did not know about?", My mom said as she looked at me from the couch. She must have seen the smile on my face when I woke up. 

I remembered the cupcakes we ate secretly last night while she was sleeping, and smiled even wider.

"No, I know you're watching over what I eat so I can't possibly eat anything you know that."

Fortunately, my mom bought my excuse and let me go without asking any further. The view from outside was the same as yesterday, only know it looked more appealing to me. The cold feeling had disappeared as well, and it was all because I got to meet Tawan last night.

As I brushed myself in front of the bathroom's mirror, I saw a reflection of myself. I lost weight from the diet and side effects of the treatment, and my skin had shown signs of drying as some parts of my arms had some areas where the skin was cracking, and my lips were completely dried as well. 

The first time I saw the horrible changes in my body, I felt ashamed of myself. My confidence dropped to a zero, and I couldn't bring myself to look in the mirror because I was ashamed of the changes. But last night changed the way I thought of myself, and after hearing the lovely words out of the mouth of the person I loved the most, I figured that there's nothing I should be ashamed of when the people around me love me the same.

I felt okay with the set up where he leaves in the morning and lulls me to sleep at night, and I figured that I could go on, and treatment would be a breeze as long as Tawan and mom were by my side.

My disposition towards my stay at the hospital changed, and thinking that things had finally become stable, I felt good. The food that was once tasteless suddenly became a bearable taste, and I didn't feel lonely at all.

"Session ended. You may now step out of the radiation room."

Everything went on smoothly, all because my heart was at peace and I had little worries over my treatment. The treatment even felt shorter than half an hour, and although I felt weak and dizzy after it, I was able to regain a portion of my energy thanks to the medicines that were provided by the nurse.

"How is your body reacting with the treatment? Are feeling any harsh side effects?", The oncologist asked me. We were seated on his office for an assessment of my chemoradiation therapy.

"My skin's starting to deteriorate, and some ares have started peeling off especially my lips. I also feel tired every after treatment, and the headache is a constant."

"The dryness of the skin is a normal side effect of the treatment, as the radiation tends to pass through the barriers of the body, the skin being the first wall of defense to pass through. After the whole treatment, I will prescribe you with skin ointments that will help bring back your skin to the original state. As for the headache and energy loss, we will give you an IV drip every now and then to regulate the pain. For now, your body seems to react minimally on the treatment and that's a good sign. If this continues, we may be looking at better results in the future.", The doctor said smiling.

My mom, who was standing beside me, was moved to tears with the doctor's words. She touched my shoulders in relief, and I could feel for a moment that her worries had been lifted. I felt happy and accomplished of myself, but more than anything I was thankful for my mom and Tawan for staying by my side and cheering me on even when my body seemed to give up. More than the medicines, their words that made my heart alive were the reason behind the good news.

"I always knew we'll get through this,", My mom said as she tucked me in on the bed.

"All thanks to you Mom, if it weren't for you I would have given up by now.", I said as I reached for her face. 

"Hang in there, okay? Life is good, I know it. Sooner or later, you'll be out of the hospital and living your life to the fullest like every person does."

That afternoon, I took a nap with my heart full of love and hope. I slept, excited to tell my boyfriend of the good news that I was sure would make him happy.

But he never came.

I remember setting an alarm for eight in the evening, because that's the time he said he'd visit. But when I woke up to my alarm, he was not there. I scanned the corners of the room for any sign of him, but all I saw was my mom sleeping. 

He must be on the bathroom.

I got out of the bed and went to the bathroom, but he wasn't there. 

I checked my phone if there were any messages he sent, but my inbox showed none. I waited for a few minutes, which turned to hours, but he really did not come.

Countless of thoughts flooded my mind, searching for reasons as to why he didn't visit me that night, but I couldn't think of anything that fit the situation. My heart was getting heavier by the minute, but all I could do was wait. 

I didn't know how long I spent waiting for him to come or even give me a call, but I eventually got tired and dozed off as I held my phone.

The next day, and the day that came after, not even a shadow of Tawan came to see me.