Chasing the Sun

061

When I woke up, I was already inside my room. On the end of the bed was my mom who was sleeping. I toured my eyes around the room for any sign of Tawan, but he was not there. My eyes were still strained for an unknown reason, and I still found it hard to swallow. In my hand was a needle that was connected to a tube, with something fluid flowing inside it that I was not familiar with.

I brushed my mom's head in an attempt to wake her up, and fortunately, she did. She immediately stood up and went to hold me by the cheeks.

"New, baby, are you okay?", My mom said as she brushed my cheeks. She seemed very worried, so I grabbed her hand to let her know that I was feeling okay.

"I'm okay now, Mom, I'm just tired. Maybe it's the side effect of the treatment." 

"It's what the doctors suppose too. God, I almost felt like dying when I saw you black out in front of me. I panicked and couldn't stop myself from crying!", My mom replied. She was still agitated with the way she talked, and her eyes were bloodshot, proving that she just cried recently.

"I'm okay now, Mom. I'll get used to it in the next treatments.", I assured her. I knew I couldn't stop her from feeling so worried after she saw me lose consciousness, but I wanted her to take a rest too, the day was getting too long for the three of us.

"Mom, where's Tawan?"

Just before my mom could answer, the doors swung open and Tawan came in, his phone in his hand. He seemed to have just finished a call with someone. When he noticed that I had already gained consciousness, His mouth curved into a smile and he walked to me in excitement.

"Are you feeling better now?", He said calmly as he brushed my hair.

"I'll let you two talk, I'll get shop for supplies for tomorrow.", My mom said as she tidied herself and exited the room.

With only Tawan and I in the room, I shifted a bit closer to the wall to make space for the bed.

"Can you lie down with me?"

Tawan smiled and took off his shoes, got on the bed, and shifted to his side as he looked straight at me.

"When I was inside the radiation room, I felt really scared. It's as if I was sitting in the middle of a void, and I had nothing to cling on to.", I said as I stared back at him. He was looking at me intently, as if he was waiting for me to continue talking.

"My heart was pounding out of my chest, and I felt like I would combust any moment. But then I thought of mom, and I thought of you. I was clueless of how long it had been when I was in there, but all the time I was just thinking of our trip to Doi Mae Salong. It was one of the happiest moments of my life, and it helped me get thought the tormenting experience awhile ago."

In that instant, I held his face and and rubbed my finger gently along his skin. He looked dashing as always, but maybe it was because of my fatigue that I found him extra beautiful that night.

"The first day was a suffering, but I'll get used to it in no time. With that, I want to request you something."

Tawan was taken aback at first, but he remained calm and touched my hand.

"What is it, love?"

I brushed his face again, admiring all his features as I stared into his brown eyes. 

"I want you to go to school tomorrow. And the day after that, and the days that will come."

His eyes grew big as his eyebrows met, but I continued brushing his face amid his frowning.

"Do this for me, please. You promised me you'll continue living right? So live up to your promise. I know you're a brilliant guy, and I don't want to be the reason for you to limit your possibilities."

"But--"

"I won't be happy, seeing you miserable just because I'm dying. I won't forgive myself if I become someone's reason to stop thriving. Pursue your passion for photography, study hard and get into the best university, travel and live. Do all the things you love, even when I'm not around."

He was already shedding tears as I said those words, but I was genuine with the words that came out of my mouth. If the worst case scenario ever happens, I don't want him to get stuck with a memory of my demise, with nothing to keep him going.

"You've loved me enough for me to realize that my cancer is just an obstacle I should overcome, now it's your turn to love yourself."

He pulled me into an embrace as he cried, and I hugged him tighter as we shared the bed. Although my senses were still numb from the treatment, his scent lingered into my nose immediately, and I was again reminded of the beautiful sunset at Doi Mae Salong. As our tears dried in the stillness of the night, we fell into a deep sleep, our arms wrapped tightly around each other's body.