Chasing the Sun

062

When I woke up, Tawan was no longer beside me. The once small bed was suddenly too spacious for me with him gone, and it was chilly rather than warm waking up without his arms wrapped around my waist. I hoped that maybe he was just sitting on the couch and opted to tour my eyes on all four corners, but all I could see was my mom who was sipping on a cup of coffee on the sofa.

"You woke up just in time", My mom said when she noticed me sit up on the bed.

I was still half-asleep, so I brushed my eyes first before getting out of the bed. I greeted my mom a good morning to which she replied the same thing back, then proceeded to the bathroom to brush my teeth. I noticed immediately the moment I looked at the sink that the cup where we put our toothbrushes only had two, rather than the usual three pieces.

He's really gone now.

It normally was not an issue for me whenever Tawan goes out because we never really lived under the same roof, and I was the one who insisted that he continued living his life, but somehow the room felt empty not having him around. Of course I'm still accompanied by my mom who regularly checked on me, but his absence was so noticeable that no matter where I went, it was cold.

"He told me he'd come back later tonight, so for the meantime, it'll just be you and me. I hope you won't get bored having a forty year old lady as your friend for today.", My mom said as she sipped on her coffee.

She seemed to have known what was going on inside my head as she said it right after I went out of the comfort room, or maybe my face was just too readable that's why.

"It feels chilly, mom."

I walked towards her and sat on the couch as I rested my head on her shoulders. From outside the windows the city was lively and the sun shone brightly as it usually did, but strangely, the room painted a gloomy image and I had no energy to even do the littlest of things.

My mom pulled me into her arms and gave me a hug in an attempt to make me feel less cold, and it helped a little.

"When you were a kid and felt cold, you would always ask for a warm cup of chocolate to heat yourself up. Do you want me to make you one?", She said as she brushed my scalp with her fingers. 

"No, I don't really feel like eating."

"Do you miss him already?", My mom asked. I let go of her embrace and sat properly as I looked at the view outside.

"Maybe it's the radiation frying my brains or something, but not having him around felt...empty."

I was thankful my Mom and I had a healthy son and mother relationship because we were able to talk about things like that, and I was not afraid of telling her what I really felt. 

"It's not the radiation, baby. You were just used to seeing him the first thing in the morning when you wake up, and now that he's finally doing the thing that you asked of him, you're starting to think if what you did was right because somehow, it's making you feel empty."

Her words cut me deep and it was painful to hear, but it's the truth that I did not want to hear eversince I asked Tawan to leave. It was indeed taking a toll on me, how I see him in all the things that I do and things I see, even when he's not physically there. I may have developed an addiction towards him, and it was on a level that made it hard for me to not long for his embrace.

Still, I knew I made the right choice. All three of us knew that the therapy wouldn't free me of cancer, and the best it could do to me was keep me breathing for an extended period of time. I had to sacrifice the few moments we shared together so I wouldn't be a hindrance in the course of his life.

"On second thought, I guess I'll take the hot chocolate.", I said as I gave my mom a weak smile.

As my mom prepared the drink for me, I looked at my hands. They look dry and brittle, and bits of my skin could be easily peeled off. My lips, just like yesterday, were still dry . It was the side effect of the treatment that's most noticeable, as the first barrier that the radiation interacts with was my skin. Aside from being constantly feeling lackadaisical, physical side effects of the chemoradiation therapy had started to show even when it was only my first session.

The difficulty of swallowing never disappeared, and though I could still eat solid foods like bread, finishing a meal took me longer than the usual because my throat sore. The nurse checked in on me from time to time and gave prescription that would help me combat the side effects, but I knew my body well, and the tablets had little to no effect at all.

Before I knew it, it was already time for my second session.

"I'll be right outside honey.", My mom said as she stood outside of the therapy room. I smiled back at her and proceeded to get my treatment for that day.

Going back to the room made me feel a bit uneasy, because my memory of blacking out was still clear. I was scared that the same thing would happen, but the oncologist told me that the radiation would be decreased today so that I won't lose consciousness just like yesterday.

It was the same thirty minutes that I spent inside, still with the same feeling of quietness that I didn't think I would ever get used too. And although the oncologist had told me that the intensity of the radiation was reduced, I couldn't tell. After all, the treatment didn't actually feel painful so I had no way to compare.

"Session ended. You may now step out of the radiation room."

Hearing the announcement was music to my ears, as I could finally get out of the room and take a rest from the energy sucking treatment. 

Maybe it was true that the radiation's intensity was reduced because I did not pass out that time. Although I did feel very dizzy, the headache was tolerable enough for me to walk out of the room without losing consciousness. 

I had hoped that Tawan would be waiting for me as I opened the door outside of the treatment room, but only my Mom was there to greet me. 

"How is it?"

"Tolerable. Less painful.", I said. As much as I wanted to explain further, my throat was so dried that it hurt speaking. 

We were quiet on the way back to my room, my mom holding my hand tight as we walked in. It was just a little past noon, and school ended at 5 o'clock. I would have to wait for a couple more hours before I get to see Tawan again, and I had no other thing left to do. 

I felt my stomach growl, and remembered that the only food intake I had was the cup of hot chocolate. The doctors told me I should often eat fruits and vegetables, along with whole grain bread and cereals so the food choices were pretty much limited to bread and boiled vegetables.

At that point, I was only eating to satiate my body's need for external nutrients. I was not able to find the joy in eating a dull plate of boiled broccoli and carrot, and the same goes for whole wheat bread. The cereals and hot chocolate were the only "good" food that I could consume. And as if things couldn't get any worse, my swallowing problems were still acting up.

"Mom, I'll be taking a nap. My eyes feel heavy.", I said as I pushed to the side my almost finished bowl of dull veggies and walked to my bed.

In that time when my movements are limited to within the corners of the room, the only thing I did to kill time was take a nap. I tucked myself in and in a matter of minutes, dozed off.