Chasing the Sun

063

I felt a warm feeling touch my face that made me wake up from my slumber. When I opened my eyes, Tawan was brushing my cheeks with his bare hand, which explained the warmth that I felt. At first I thought it was only a dream, as the room was dark and nothing but the bedside light illuminated the place, but his hand felt so real.

"I'm sorry it took me long to come here, I had a lot to catch up at school.", He said as he planted a kiss on my forehead. It was then that I knew I wasn't dreaming, because his plump lips felt relaxing on my dried skin.

He was still on his high school uniform, and as he moved closer to kiss my forehead, I caught the smell of his cologne. It reminded me of the first time we met at the bus, the first meal we shared on the school's rooftop, and all the other things we did after school. He smelt of flowers and the sun, it almost felt like I was once again out of the hospital touring somewhere outside the city. My mouth formed into a smile as his scent marked itself in my nostrils.

"How was today's session? are you getting the hang of it?", He asked as he sat on the bed and held my hand. After waking up to a rather chilly feeling and spending the majority of the day with emptiness, his hand was a relieving gesture that I longed for. 

"It was better than yesterday. The doctors said the radiation during the first session was on a higher level than the recent one, so I was able to survive today's treatment without passing out. I'm thankful Mom never left my side the whole day, she's the only one I could talk to.", I said as I looked at my mom who was sleeping like a log on the couch, her foot dangling on the floor. It must have been lethargic for her to watch over me, and yet she didn't show a single sign of giving up.

"I'm sorry I couldn't be with you awhile ago, I went to school as promised. But, I have something that I know you will like."

Tawan then grabbed his bag on the floor and zipped it open. He picked something inside and it revealed to be a ziploc, with two pieces of what seemed to be....cupcakes.

My mouth watered at the sight of the dessert that Tawan held in his hand, and I was pretty sure my eyes were brimming with joy because he was smiling from ear to ear when he looked at me. 

"Before you worry about it, this is a healthy cupcake I specifically asked a friend to do. It's whole wheat, and I'm pretty sure it won't make you sick."

"Whatever. I don't even care right now if that's whole wheat or not, I've been eating tasteless food and my stomach has been longing for sweets!", I said as I grabbed the ziploc in an attempt to steal the cupcake. The more I stared at it, the more my mouth watered, and I couldn't help myself from thirsting over the sweet.

"Hey! You're gonna have to kiss me first before I give it to you.", Tawan teasingly said.

Under normal circumstances I would have kissed him in the cheeks immediately, but I remembered how dry my lips were. My smile faded and I looked down, ashamed of my cracking lips that I was sure no one would like to touch. Even I was disgusted by it.

"Baby, what's wrong? Did I say something?", Tawan asked as he lifted my chin up. He looked at me, his eyes worried.

"I...look at me, and tell me you still want me to kiss you.", I said as I touched my lips. 

He was taken aback by my words, making me me think that he was actually disgusted with my state.

I should have known better.

But before I could even say something and react, he dived onto me and kissed me on the lips. This time, I was the one taken by surprise. I couldn't do anything, completely paralyzed by the kiss. His lips felt soft as it touched mine, and I found it hard to breathe during the first moments that our lips touched because of the shock. 

It tasted sweet, but also bloody as the taste of my peeled off skin mixed with that of Tawan's. I didn't know if it tasted the same with him, or if he was just trying to stop me from feeling anymore shameful, but the kiss lasted quite long before it came to a stop.

Tawan held both of my cheeks with his hand, his fingers brushing through my lips as he looked at me dearly.

"Did you really think, that after all we've been through, I will love you less because your lips went dry?", He asked, to which I couldn't answer. I could not think of a response because once again, I let my insecurity get the best of me, and hastily jumped into a conclusion without giving much thought what Tawan would have felt. Again, I failed to acknowledge how much he loved me, and every single day he never stops to go even deeper.

"Your lips are dry, so what? I'll kiss you any chance that I get. If you go bald and lose all your hair, I'll shave my head too. We'll dress up like hiphop dancers then and we'll take photos of our bald selves while we model our clothes. If your whole skin dries, it won't matter, I'll hug and hold you all the time still.", He said, his face still only an inch away from mine. With each word that he said I could smell his breath, and everything around me seemed blurry except his image.

"I will make you feel beautiful whenever you feel ugly, sing you a lullaby when you can't sleep, and buy you whole wheat cupcakes when your tastebuds give up on the hospital food. That's how much I love you. So don't think that you've become less appealing in my eyes okay? Because for me, you will always be the most beautiful sight."

I did not know how long we remained in that position, but I wished the time worked slower that night. My lips were still dry, but with his lips and the words that he said, I felt again like I was back to being my old self. 

"So, shall we dig in on these cupcakes? my friend told me they're delicious.", He said in the middle of my thoughts as he raised the bag of cupcakes.

That night, we dug in on the cupcakes. Just as he had said, they were delicious, and tasted no different than the cupcakes I had before. He talked about school, and how everybody was curious about my condition and they wished me well. His friends were also glad that he had finally returned, and they played basketball during break.

He also talked about how the my schoolmates were all about college admission tests, and that everyone were enrolling to different review centers to pass. Tawan said that he did not want to enroll in one because it would only cut his time available to spend with me, and boasted that he could pass a university without enrolling in one.

As I listened to him talk about his outside life, I began to understand that he really had a life even without me in the picture. I realized, though in the beginning it was a hard pill to swallow, that his life was destined to continue even when I pass. He didn't seem to notice it, but his face lit up every time he talked, and it was an image that made my heart melt. It was then that I knew officially, that I made the right decision.

Eating the cupcakes in secrecy with him, I felt content. Although our setup was opposite as to how the sun's rising worked, I accepted the fact that in the morning, he'd be gone. And as long as each day went on like today, I figured I would be okay. I thought, things would work out.

But life tends to be deceitful, and when you find a solution to the worries of your heart, it creates another hole the rips your faith into pieces until you're left crumbling.