Chasing the Sun

065

Just as how he was quick to sweep away the melancholy that I feel whenever he's out of sight, Tawan's absence put me back in a desolate state. I was weary knowing nothing about his whereabouts, and my mind kept on making up reasons that were far from being plausible. Even my mom had no idea where he went, or why he was out of touch for the past few days.

I knew better than doubting him, so even if it was difficult for me to get through each day without drowning myself in the thoughts of him, I decided to trust in Tawan and wait for him to come back.

Of course, the treatment went through. However, it started becoming more grueling as each session went on, and I could feel my body getting pushed to its limit. My fatigue had been getting worse after each treatment, and I could hardly finish a meal with the painfulness of my throat. 

"Would it be possible to tone down the level of the radiation?", My mom asked the oncologist.

We just finished another session, and I was feeling lethargic as we talked with the doctor regarding my assessment. We didn't even bother going to his office as I was feeling too weak that I had to go back to the room right after the treatment.

"I'm sorry, but this is the lowest intensity we can apply. Any lower would only have no effect on the cells as the radiation will simply be to weak to eradicate them."

My mom let out a sigh of dismay when she heard the doctor's reply. Both of us were still clueless as to why it was suddenly happening, especially when days ago the treatment seemed to function well, and my body was adapting really well with the side effects.

"But just days ago you said the treatment was working fine. Why is this thing happening now?", My mom asked in disbelief.

The doctor sighed before he looked at me, and then my mother.

"His cancer has reached its terminal stage, and the cells have metastasized to his other organs. By now, the cancer cells have rapidly increased its rate of division, so much that every time the radiation eradicates a batch of them, twice as much cancer cells grow."

My mom turned around and brushed her head from the frustration. I was certain she shed tears because of it, but she wiped it off right before she looked at me. I too, was disappointed at how my body did not cooperate with the treatment, but all I could think of was I needed to rest.

"For now, we should proceed with the treatment as scheduled, and assess one more time. If the cells continue to multiply excessively..."

I needed not to hear the end of the doctor's statement as all three of us knew what it would be. If the cancer persists, then death would be the finish line for me, not recovery.

"Mom? I wanna rest now."

I tuck myself in and faced the wall opposite to my mom and the doctor. I couldn't bear to look at them anymore and see their faces that wore the feeling of sadness. I already felt heavy, knowing that all the treatment I underwent was all for nothing, as it only proved that there's no way out of my disease. On top of all that, I was still clueless as to where Tawan was and why he stopped showing up.

Closing my eyes in an attempt to rest from all the worries in my heart, I recalled the moments in my life as en eighteen year-old boy, all before I became admitted to the hospital.

I missed everything about life before my illness got worse. I missed the sun that greeted me mornings each day, the unhealthy but filling breakfast I eat before going to school, the bus ride on the way to class where I sat on the last seat of the last row. I missed going to school and acing tests that I spent whole nights trying to learn, and even though it was the most mundane thing that I did back then, I missed snuggling in my bed as I watched netflix until the sun shone on me.

Sleeping in a hospital room, all the normal things that I did outside felt like a distant memory, something that I'll never get to do again and will never have the luxury to feel, only recall at the back of my mind. 

In the billions of people around the world, why me?

Was it my unhealthy addiction to sweets that made me acquire such disease? I did not know. Maybe it was my outlook in life. Maybe I took it for granted and overlooked the purpose in living that the skies sanctioned me to a shorter lifetime. Thinking of it, I never really had a dream, or something I looked forward to, growing up. If going home to a fridge full of desserts count as a dream, maybe that's the biggest thing I had in mind. But something I wanted to be? I don't recall having anything.

Tawan had a thing for pictures, and it shows in the way he captured images that his passion for photography is immense, and it's something that he wants to pursue. My mom, a banker, always had an eye for money that's why she pursued a profession that made use of her inclination to bills.

Me? Well, I like cakes, or anything that had an absurd amount of sugar in it. That's all. Did I ever dream of becoming a pastry chef? It crossed my mind, but cooking's something I really never looked forward to. If there ever was a profession where you'd be paid to eat sweets, maybe I would have vouched for that kind of dream. I liked horror movies, though I think my fascination in things supernatural and inhumane were only brought about by the extreme stillness of my life, and the absence of anything that perturbed my way of living had me resorting to films that would spice up my life.

Only three percent of the population are unlucky enough to get such disease, and of that number, less than five percent are given the luxury of continuing their life and making it worthwhile.

I guess the heavens never favored me to include me in that small fraction of people diagnosed with such deadly disease, but to think that my fate will go the same as the 95% of those who battled it, my world seemed to disintegrate.

Even if I knew I would be facing my demise soon, I couldn't help but think that my cancer was just the heavens pulling a prank on me, making me find reasons to live. And when I find them, the cancer would just miraculously disappear into thin air. I hoped it was all just a test for me to conquer, and because I now had Tawan who made me feel life was worth living, I'd be spared of the inevitable passing of life that was waiting for me. 

But I know it doesn't work that way. One way or another, my heart would stop beating whatever I chose. If I gave my permission for the doctor to increase the intensity of the radiation, my body would only hold on for a short while before it finally gives in because of the excruciating pain. On the other hand, the cancer cells would just continue to divide until the entirety of my body becomes filled with it, and soon it would collapse because my immune system failed to protect me from the cancer. I knew that recovery was never a choice to begin with, but I still went on thinking that life would be kind to me this time around and I'll be joining the dismal amount of survivors of the disease.

Now, the struggle of accepting my inevitable faith has increased tenfold, all because I loved too much when the time I had left was not long. I didn't want to go, especially now that my life had started to create its meaning, but the truth was clear as day, there's no denying it.