Chasing the Sun

047

He stopped midway his tracks the moment I uttered my words. I had to keep looking outside the window when I told him I wanted to break up as my heart was already being torn into pieces just at the thought of it. I tried so hard to stop myself from crying and looking weak because I wanted him to know that my decision was final. And even if I wanted to turn back, I don't have the energy to do so.

"Leave."

After a long silence and being petrified, he rushed towards me and hugged my leg. 

"Let's talk this out, please New? I- I'll change. I'll change myself and be more open to you. I'll tell you if it hurts me, and I won't put my life in danger again. Please, hear me out New. I...I can't lose you too."

I wanted to hug him and tell him the truth about me, but he's suffered more than enough to still go on and live with me after all the beating that he experienced. My guilt kills me every time he loses a piece of himself trying to keep me from disintegrating, and it breaks my heart that he doesn't see how much his love for me had affected him. It may seem like a cruel thing to do, but ending our relationship would be the last painful thing I would ever do to him.

"There's nothing to talk about, Tawan. You promised me we'd share the pain, but all you ever did was make me live a life lived in guilt as you made everything miserable. It was wrong of me to assume that we shared the same universe, when you're a far distant star I shouldn't have associated myself with in the first place."

With all of my remaining strength, I pushed him away from my bed and he fell on the floor. He was not able to maintain his balance as his one arm was in a cast, so he hit the floorboard right after I pushed him, his other arm crushing the remaining of the cake that fell on the floor. Now, it was nothing but a mashed piece of bread under his palm.

So much pain flowed through my whole body that I could feel my chest tightening, but it was nothing compared to what my heart felt as I looked at him on the floor. He was completely helpless, his eyes bloodshot from all the crying, his clothes smeared with the food that fell on the floor. He looked very frail and weak, far from the Tawan I knew and spent my time with. His hair was all over the place, the first time I'd seen him with his hair falling down. My heart felt like it was being constantly pricked with a needle every time his face registers in my mind, and I felt like I was close to taking back everything that I'd said. I decided to just lay down with my face facing the wall, praying that he'd leave the room and let me be.

I heard a few rustling sounds before I heard the sound of the door swung open and close, and when I was finally sure that he had left the room, I turned the other direction and looked at the window. It was still raining, though less heavy than moments ago, and the moon shone faintly behind the clouds. On the bedside table were the foods Tawan bought awhile ago, neatly arranged within my reach. On one of the packs of chips that was on the table, I saw a yellow post it where a message was scribed. I took it off and read it, and under the faintly beaming moonlight, my tears once again fell right onto the note as it smeared the ink off the paper.

Finish it all, the hospital food tastes awful :)