Selfless

6

I found a certain sense of comfort holding Colby's hand. So much comfort that I drifted off to sleep with my head against the window.

I woke up to Colby pulling me out of the car which caused me to tense up, "it's okay, I'm just gonna take you to bed." He said but I looked around frantically, "please put me down." I said feeling anxiety bubble in my chest, "what?" He asked as he walked towards the door. "Put me down!" I wimpered causing him to pause, "okay..okay." He said quietly and lowered me to my feet.

"I'm sorry." I whispered and turned, running into the house. "Cora!" He called but I ignored him. I felt bad leaving him in the dust but I think I was getting freaked out at how much this was escalating.

It was a strange thing having someone who loves you so much but you have no idea who they really are. I ran to Devyn's room and slid down the door as tears flooded my eyes. I could still hear the hurt in his voice as I cried into my hands.

I shouldn't have ran.

I pulled my legs into my chest and let myself cry into my knees for a couple minutes. I just wanted to remember everything and get back to normal. This was torture.

I wanted to be able to feel the love people were giving me without the second thought that I wasn't worthy of it.

I couldn't stop thinking that this was all just a sick joke and that I wasn't really a part of a family. I would remember if I had this family wouldn't I? What could have possibly happened to me that would cause such a horrible thing to happen? Why did this have to happen?

I didn't realize I fell asleep until I woke up curled up in a ball next to the door. "Uh..squirt?" dad said when he accident hit me in the leg with the door. I groaned and looked at him, "morning." I said and sat up, "the bed not good enough for you or something?" He said with a laugh and helped me up off the floor, "just had a long night I guess." I said and shrugged,

"Katrina wants to take you to breakfast, get up and get ready." He said and I nodded, "sir yes sir." I said and walked out of the room.

I had to get changed into better clothes to go out in since I was still wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt so I headed up to "my room" upstairs.

When I got up there Colby was standing in the middle of the room shirtless, "oh!! Sorry." I said and covered my eyes, but he just chuckled. "It's nothing you've never seen before Cor." He said but I shook my head, "I think you keep forgetting that I lost every memory of us." I said and he frowned,

"I know..hey about last night, I'm sorry. I should have just woken you up, I'm just used to bringing you to bed." He said and played with the earring in his ear.

"No, I shouldn't have ran away like that, I'm really sorry about that." I said and bit my lip nervously. "It's okay, I know this is a lot to take in. Let's just take things one day at a time okay?" He asked sweetly and held his hand out for me to shake. "One day at a time." I repeated and shook his hand, feeling the instant sparks as soon as our skin touched.

"You wanna go see if Mia is up?" He asked as soon as I pulled my hand from his, "yeah, let me get changed first." I said and turned towards the closet.

I decided on leggings and a blue sweater, with some tall black boots. I quickly braided my hair then walked out of the closet to see Colby sitting on the bed playing on his phone, when I walked out he looked up and traced my body with his eyes sending a shiver down my spine.

"Sorry, old habit." He said as I instinctively covered my body. "It's okay." I said and turned away.

I honestly like the way he looked at me.

"Let's go see Mia, yeah?" He asked and opened the door for me. I was a little nervous, she was young and didn't understand that I didn't remember her.

"Don't worry too much okay? She's a sweet girl, that's actually what you call her." Colby said as he opened the door to the nursery, "sweet girl?" I asked and he nodded, "all the time. It's adorable." He said and then walked in, "hey princess!" He cooed and pulled Mia out of her crib. "Look who it is! It's mommy." He said and pointed to me as she smiled raising her arms for me to grab her.

I took a step back feeling the nerves overcome me, "it's alright Cor, you don't have to hold her if you don't want to." He said but I just held my arms out for him to hand her over to me.

When she was in my arms I felt a burst of sadness, how could I have had this beautiful creature and have absolutely no recollection of it. She smiled up at me as I held her. I felt stiff and nervous as she swung her arms around.

I could feel the hysterics boiling up as I looked down at her. What if I never got the memories back and I just missed the first 7 months of her life? What if I never got to remember what it was like to be pregnant or to be a parent for the very first time?

"Can you take her?" I asked as tears welled in my eyes, "you're okay." Colby cooed at me and came up behind me, wrapping his arms around mine to steady my shaking arms.

"You're okay, I know what you're thinking and you're going to get the memories back, you are." Colby said as Mia looked up at us with so much love. I couldn't contain the tears anymore as I started to sob.

"What if I don't though? What if I just missed the first 7 months of her life because of some accident that nobody will tell me about!" I choked out as Colby finally took Mia from me.

"Listen to me, I'm going to do everything in my power to get your memories back. I'm going to fight for this, until the day they come back or until the day I die. I'm not giving up on you." He said and looked at me in a way nobody ever has before.

I wanted to kiss him.

I couldn't though. Not yet.

"We should probably feed her, if you're up for it.." Colby said and I frowned, "I...I don't know how." I said and bit my lip, trying to hold back the tears I could feel creeping up. I honestly was embarrassed that I didn't know how to feed my own kid.

"I'll show you. Don't worry love." He said softly and guided me to sit down in the rocking chair.

I felt my chest tightening as he got me all set up. "I..I don't think I'm ready for this.." I admitted and he frowned, "okay, I won't push you." He said with a small smile but I could tell he was disappointed.

"I'm so sorry.." I whispered and looked down at my hands, "hey, don't apologize. It's okay, but we should still probably get you to at least pump so you don't get an infection or something, would you be okay with that?" He asked and bounced Mia. "I..I guess that's fine." I said, still feeling nervous. "You're gonna be okay, I promise." Colby said and laid Mia down.

He set me up to start pumping and showed me how to do it, but my heart was racing.

I felt my hands shaking so badly until Colby grabbed them and held them steady. "Take a deep breath, you're okay." He said and I nodded.

I could see how I could fall in love with him, but I still didn't know him. I physically couldn't love him, but my heart knew that he was for me, even when my brain was shutting it down.

I felt myself starting to get frustrated again that I couldn't remember anything and I snatched my hands from his, "are you okay? I'm sorry if I-" he started as I shakily tried to get the pump off of me. "It's not your fault, I just...I'm overwhelmed." I said and pulled the pump off frantically. "Hey, hey! Please calm down Cora. It's okay." He said as I started to cry,

"it's not okay!!" I yelled and started for the door as my head throbbed and my heart broke.

I just needed to be left alone.

That's what I've always been best at.