Selfless

76

The next week was really hard.

I tried to keep myself occupied so I wouldn't have panic attacks but they were coming almost every single day. Sometimes even twice a day.

I was worried about Colby most of the time, because he was constantly putting himself in harms way on this trip because the producers wanted it to be the absolute best show out there. We talked every day but I never mentioned the panic attacks because I didn't want him to worry. It was just part of who I was at this point and I would have to deal with it.

"Hey." I said as I answered Colby's FaceTime call. I had just gotten over a panic attack when he called. "Hey, you okay? You look sad." He said with a frown, "no I'm okay..how are you doing?" I asked and painted a smile on my face. "I'm okay, getting really tired honestly. We are constantly moving and It's like constant jet lag." He said which made me frown. "Do you have a day off any time soon?" I asked as Mia fussed in my arms. "Yeah, tomorrow thank god, I can't wait." He said and let out a sigh.

"Don't worry about calling me tomorrow, I just want you to rest. Sleep all day if you have to." I said and smiled softly at him. "No, I want to call you. I want to talk to you, I miss you a lot, Cor." He said making my heart melt. "I miss you too. Sleeping with all the girls is great but I miss being in your arms." I admitted with a sigh, feeling the hysterics boiling up again.

"Baby girl.." he said as I shook my head, "it's okay, we have made it a week, we can get through this." I said and plastered the smile back on my face. "We can and we will. I have to go though, I love you so much Cor." He said as I brought my hand to my lips to blow him a kiss, "love you too, Cole." I said quietly then hung up the phone.

As soon as I hung up I dropped the phone and curled up into a ball feeling the room start to spin again. "Cora..." Tara said and came into the room. "Another one?" She asked and bit her lip as I nodded. I felt like my heart was going to stop beating it was going so fast. "Breathe girl. It will pass." She said as I felt her tiny body press against mine.

"I feel like something bad is going to happen....I c-can't breathe." I choked out as I sobbed. She just held me and tried her best to be there for me while it passed.

As soon as it was over I pulled away from her and wiped my eyes. "I'm sorry....I'm okay." I said and shook my hands out. "I think you should tell Colby...they are getting worse Cor.." she said and looked at me with concern in her eyes.

"No..it will just worry him and he has enough on his plate. I'll be okay. I'm just worried about him, Tara." I said and sniffled as I bundled my sweatshirt sleeves up. "I think he would want to help you through it though, he wouldn't want you being so worried about him. It's not good for you to be like this right now." She said as I bit my lip.

"I'll think about it. I just seriously don't want to add anything to his stress." I breathed out, "Cora he's your husband. He would want to know if you're having panic attacks every day. He would want to help you." She said as I bit my lip harder. "Yeah, I guess you're right." I said with a sigh.

"I'll tell him tomorrow." I said with a nod and stood up, "but right now I think I'm gonna go for a walk." I said and brushed my sweaty hands on my pants. "Do you mind watching Mia while I do?" I asked as we walked out of the room.

"Yeah, just don't be out for too long it's getting dark out." She said and I laughed, "okay mom." I said and walked downstairs.

"Where ya going?" Kevin asked as I passed him and Meghan in the living room, "going on a walk to clear my mind. I'll be back before dark." I said and turned to go out the front door. "Okay, call me if you need anything okay?" He asked as I opened the door, "you got it!" I called out then left the house.

"Hey guys, I'm sorry Jake's not here, I'll feed you when I get home though." I said to the stray cats that Jake insisted on befriending.

As I walked down the street I could feel the weight almost being lifted off of my shoulders. I hated feeling so broken with all of my panic attacks, but it just came with the diagnoses of PTSD. I would be struggling with it for a long ass time, so I just had to deal with it, whether I liked it or not.

I ended up pulling my earbuds out and put some music on as I walked calmly down the road. I found a little park and sat down on the swing sets and just looked up at the sunset.

Would it be worth it to tell Colby about what's been going on? He couldn't really do anything to help me right now because I was never going to allow him to abandon his work for me. He would risk his entire career to come to my aid, and I didn't want that at all.

Maybe I would just casually mention that I was having a little bit of a tough time, that way I wouldn't be lying but I also wouldn't be going into detail about things.

Yeah, that's what I would do.

I was so lost in thought that I didn't even realize it was almost dark. I had to get back before they sent out a search party for me. I got up and pulled one of my headphones out so I could hear my surroundings but also could hear my music. I had to be a little more careful now that it was dark.

"HEY!" I heard a man yell from behind me as I was walking.

Shit.

Okay just stay calm. He's probably not talking to you.

I picked up the pace a little bit, but not enough for him to notice as I paused my music so I could hear better. "HEY!" He called again as I heard footsteps behind me.

I tried to call Kevin but my hands were shaking so bad that I dropped my phone. "We aren't gonna hurt you doll!" The guy yelled as another pair of footsteps joined his.

Oh god.

I picked my phone up and started walking faster but I could feel my vision starting to blur as my heart started beating out of my chest. I tried to call Kevin again but I made the mistake of looking behind me.

"She looks like she has a lot of money." The guy murmured as I went to turn my head to look forward. As I did that though, I tripped and fell, tumbling to the ground.

I screamed and tried to get up as I heard the guys running towards me.

This wasn't good.