Ave Maria

Chapter 25

Chapter 25 – Sweet Love

Beyoncé Knowles | May 24th 2020 | Tappahannock, VA

I rolled on my side for the fifth time tonight. For some strange reason I wasn't getting any sleep, at all. I had no idea why but whatever it was, was really annoying me. I looked to my side to see Chris sleeping on his side. His lips were slightly gapped and he released light snores. I let out a breathy giggle then got out of the bed. I walked out of the room and down the stairs to the kitchen. I looked in the fridge and saw a half bottle of wine and a half of a chocolate cake. I smiled taking them out and closing the door with my foot. I got a glass and a fork then walked out of the kitchen and into the basement.

I opened the door and the lights turned on automatically. The light shade of blue illuminated the room beautifully. For this to be an at home recording studio, it had everything you would need to produce, mix and master an album. I then wonder why he even spends money to go to studios when he had what he needed in his home.

I sat everything that I had in my hand down on a small table and sat in the chair in front of the mixing board. My hand accidentally brushed against the mousepad of the laptop and it lit up. The sound of a guitar playing a simple melody sounded through the room. I lowered the volume so it wouldn't wake anyone. I sat and listened to the track and it gave me time to reflect on my relationship with Jay.

It wasn't the best but it definitely was the worst I've been in. I lost myself somewhere within my marriage and that was my fault. I wanted to please him so much that I forgot who I really was. I did everything he wanted. He wanted to stay home and watch TV, then I'll do it because of the love I had for him. He was my rock but that transformed into an anchor that had me stuck. But it was only for a moment. I regained control over myself and put my needs and wants above everyone else's. I felt like it was my time to be in the driver's seat but maybe I wasn't ready for the pressure of being in control.

Now looking back, I passed so many signs and purposely ignored a few of them. Mainly because I was scared and finally wanted something such as love to be another thing I can succeed in. Maybe my current situation was for the best and I could find better with someone and that's Chris. He made me feel important and wanted deeply. I had millions of fans who gave me that feeling and family who stood beside me but I wanted someone I could call mine without anyone getting in the way. I always put people before myself and I now realize it was not only by biggest strength but my darkest weakness. It was hard for me to say no but I now realize the power in the word. I can no longer be afraid to speak my mind. I can no longer bottle so many emotions in and expect for me to be okay at the end of the day. There are so many things I need to figure out and let go but it's a work in progress.

Thank God for Blue because I would've been completely lost. I would say she brought be back to life and I was ever grateful. She was my miracle that I prayed would be gifted to me and here we are six years later. She mended the pieces of my heart back together and I could finally release the deadly breath I was holding in for so many years. Anything I go after today is not only for me but it benefits her. I want to show her that sometimes it's best to do what your heart desires and I just pray and hope she doesn't end up like me when it comes to relationships and love.

I stood up and walked to the mic stand. I adjusted the microphone and placed the headphones over my ears. I hit record and waited for the perfect time to start singing. Once my timing was right, I let the words out.

"I like to feel so high and you feel good feeling low. I like my colors vivid and you paint your colors gold. I like to see the world and you like your weekends home. But I've been staying behind while you refused to go..."