Through Thick and Thin (Anthony Rizzo)

Letting Go

Jazmyn

"You might as well just stop paying rent in your penthouse since you spend so much time in mine" I tease as Anthony sits in the kitchen while I make us some lunch.

"You know that's not a bad idea" he tries as I roll my eyes.

"Don't even think about it" I threaten as he laughs at me.

He hops off of the counter and walks over to me before leaning on the countertop by where I was making food.

"You know, I've lost 10 pounds since I started working out with you" he claims.

"I've noticed" I admit.

"So you've been watching me" he teases making me roll my eyes again.

"Don't flatter yourself, I've been stuck with you for nearly two months... it's not like I can do much else besides watching you" I smirk.

"That... or you keep telling yourself that like you don't like me" he shuns.

"Now tell me, when have I ever said I didn't like you" I ask him.

The room falls silent as we just look at each other. I take the penne off the stove and set it on a burner that wasn't on. I turn the burner off as I turn to him trying to figure out what direction this conversation is about to go.

"So you do like me" he accuses.

"I think you're a wonderful man that any girl would be lucky to know, me especially" I admit.

"Why didn't you say anything earlier" he questions.

"You didn't either" I remind him.

"Okay, you have a point" he admits making me giggle. "But I wasn't sure how you felt about me. I would like to think it was pretty obvious I liked you. But with you it wasn't so easy to read" he defends.

"I am in kind of a dark place right now. For the first time in my life I can't just go out and make things happen. I can't fight my way out of this and I hate it. I hate being stuck here when this city is full of such amazing things I don't yet know. I've spent so much of my life in meeting rooms or war zones, I don't know what to do or think here. I don't know what I'm doing here and I'm trying not to pull you into this mess I'm in" I insist.

"Well you're doing a awful job" he teases and I chuckle.

"I still want you around Anthony" I start.

"Just not as your boyfriend" he finishes.

I let out a sigh as I shake my head. "That's not necessarily true. I want you, more than you know I want you. I admire every part of you, how you can make me smile when I don't want to. How the only time I ever feel safe is when your skin is on mine. But I'm not ready for a relationship, you know? I just got to start my life and I have to start stuck in this apartment. I don't want to start a relationship with you just because I'm stuck with you and not because we want to be together. And I don't want you to need me to be something and I can't do it because I'm not sure how yet" I argue.

"Is this about the guy you got a tattoo of" he wonders.

"About Mathew" I question as he nods his head.

"You still have some pictures of the both of you up. You guys were real happy together and I can tell by the way you talk about him, you still wish he was here. I know you didn't tell me it was him in the pictures but I connected the dots" he admits.

"You're worried that I'm not over him" I ask.

"Kind of" he admits. "You said it yourself. You struggle with letting go and when you lose someone like that, that means that much to you, letting go is that much harder."

"I did let him go... because I had to let him go. He's dead, I'm never getting him back. And while letting go is something I struggle with, reality is something I don't. And the reality is I loved that man. We were about to get married and move here to Chicago and start our lives together. No more fighting, no more war, it was going to be him and I. And now I'm here and he's not, he's not coming. I'm not waiting around for him to be here because he decided that night that if it was going to be him or me going back to risk their lives to help people it was him. He made that decision for me and he made many decisions for me after that. But it was my decision to try and come here without him, do what I can and live a life like we dreamed without him.

And then I met you and it all of the sudden I was falling again. But this time I'm scared, I don't know what I'm doing and I can't pull someone else into this mess. Last time I did that he died" I try.

"I don't know if I can stay just friends with the likes of you" he claims.

"I'm not sure I can either" I assure him. "But for now we're going to have to try. I have a lot to think about before we get together and you do too. Because it'll be easy to get together now but what about when this is over and you're back to running across the country. What happens then?

But nothing is stopping us from hanging out in the mean time. This quarantine doesn't have to suck, we can figure it out together and by the time we get together we have nothing to worry about" I suggest.

"You promise you're not leading me on" he asks.

"Never" I shake my head. "I wouldn't do that to you" I promise.

"Then I guess you got yourself a deal" he smirks.

I open my arms and he walks right into them. He wraps his arms around me and I close my eyes. I inhale deep trying to take in being in his arms. The only place I felt safe out here in the real world.

I finish up with our lunch and we sit in the dining room just talking. They were trying to get baseball plans through but was running into some problems. Anthony claims it's not a big deal but I know it was bothering him. He's over here working his ass off and he's not sure if there's a reason why he is. But there's no way they'll keep them away from the field forever.

"So what are you like outside of here" I ask him and he laughs.

"Loud, obnoxious, needy" he lists off.

"So the same" I tease.

"Pretty much" he laughs. "I just feel, really hard, I love my friends and my family and my team and this city. I've emerged myself in this culture, in the people here and I hate not being out there. Especially at the children's hospital" he explains.

"I would love to visit with you whenever we can leave" I insist.

"Oh you'll love it. Everyone is so nice and appreciative. And the kids, they're the best" he explains.

"I can't wait" I smile.