Through Thick and Thin (Anthony Rizzo)

Couldn't Be Mad

Anthony

I'm a very emotional guy, especially for a professional athlete. The whole toxic masculinity thing has never been my game. There's been a few times I cried in front of a crowd or on national television or in front of the guys after a game. I wear my heart on my sleeve and I have no shame in that. I don't believe in hiding feelings or agreeing just for the sake of agreeing. If I have something on my mind or something I believe in I will let it be known. That fake masculinity that people force on young boys, I never felt that. I never felt the need to prove my manliness, I'll wear whatever I look good in and I'm a sucker for many feminine products. Being in tune with my emotions is important to me.

And the thought of sending Jazmyn off to a natural disaster zone waiting to meet it face on scared the shit out of me. This isn't like war where you're fighting people who somewhere deep down they care about something, you're fighting something that doesn't take anything into consideration. You can't predict what it's going to do or the path it's going to take. They evacuated so many people already but there's so much more to do and they're expecting her to do it.

A lot of that weight falls to Jazz, who can't bare any extra weight as is. I mean the girl can get around the apartment without the crutches but what happens when the water is up to her waist and she can't get away? What happens when she can't hand out relief supplies without severely messing up her leg trying to fight the 70 mph winds?

I get she has a higher purpose and this is it. I understand exactly how she feels, like she's responsible for these people. That's how I feel at a hospital and I am also up against something I can not control. I get it. That's why I also know that she's can't do what she hopes she can, but she can certainly try.

I drive her out to the airport early this morning and for once the drive was silent. We always knew what to say, what to talk about, but this situation was different. This is the first real test to our relationship and I knew we can handle it. I haven't a doubt in my mind that we can get through this through the sheer strength of our love and trust we have for one another.

But it's not going to be easy, not for me at least. I worry about her, and not that she isn't strong enough. I'm afraid she will be too strong and not realize just how far gone she is. That she will go too far and not come back.

"I'm sorry" she says softly from the passenger seat and I sigh. I park the car at the drop off section of O'Hare before turning to her.

"Why are you apologizing" I question.

"I told you that I wasn't going to leave you, and that's exactly what I'm doing. I'm sorry for thinking I had changed, that if duty called I would hang up the phone-" she rabbles

"Baby stop" I beg. "This is who you are, this is why I fell in love with you. You are so selfless and kind and compassionate about people it's shocking. It's surprising, but I can't take for granted the kind of person you are. I'm selfish and I want to keep you here where I know when you're scared I can protect you. I can remind you that you might want me but you don't need me. This is your life and you got your hands on the wheel.

Don't feel bad for being a good person and putting others in front of you. Don't ever apologize for doing the right thing even when it feels wrong. I am so, so, proud of you. Of what you have done and the things you haven't done yet. You're going to be great, I know you are. I can't let me be what's holding you back" I say.

"You're my inspiration for everything I do. I just feel awful for leaving you when you don't want me to go" she sighs.

"Even if you were never shot I wouldn't want you to leave. But that's because I'm selfish and I love you and I want you by my side forever. But I know that you will find your way back to me and I'll hold you in my arms real tight and I won't let go" I insist.

"You promise you're not mad" she asks.

"I couldn't be mad at you, and certainly not for something like this. I understand why things are this way. I don't like it, but I get it. And I need to be supportive and strong for you in order for you to be the best you can be. I'll be waiting for you until you're back" I promise.

I help her get her things out of the trunk of the car before meeting her on the sidewalk. I pull her into my chest as close as I'd ever held her, holding on to her scent and her touch for as long a I could. Just trying to figure out how to bottle up this feeling she gives me.

"I love you more than anything, through thick and thin" she promises.

"Promise me that you will stay safe, and that I have nothing to worry about" I beg.

"I promise you Anthony, I will be back in your arms and we will spend the rest of our lives together" she whispers.

I pull her into a long kiss, a "I don't know when I will see you next and I don't know if things would have changed" kind of kiss. My fingers tangled in her hair holding her as close as I possibly could.

Eventually we had to let each other go and we had to let go of all the fears we had of us being apart. I mean the most we've been apart was 11 days and two of those days I got to see her because there was a layover in Chicago and she met me there so I could see her. So this was a big test in our relationship, and it wasn't even a question of loyalty and trust, I know she won't cheat and I couldn't dream of it. But it was a test of strength and long distance and I didn't really want her to go. I wanted her to stay where I knew she was safe. But I have to trust her, I have to believe that she is capable of being strong on her own.