Through Thick and Thin (Anthony Rizzo)

I'm At One

Anthony

After a few double headers with the Cardinals to make up the lost games from my birthday we get caught up on games. It was business as usual on the baseball front as we continue to try and make some history.

After Jazz played phone tag with the VA for a few days they authorize her move from the apartment above me to her living with me. They were willing to pay for half of the apartment on her behalf but I assure them I can more than cover it. I was going to pay for the apartment anyway so it didn't matter much to me. And Jazz only gets paid per days she works so once the VA steps away I would be on my own anyway. So we decide that I pay for the place and she helps with food and cable and other things of the sort.

Once everything passes and I clear some stuff out we move her things down. She was a simple girl and didn't have a lot from her five months here. But she wanted her workout equipment so moving that down was going to be a struggle.

I have a few of the guys come help us move the bigger things down, though she was probably stronger than any of them and could do it herself. We still could have used a hand and make this easier for all of us so they offer to help out.

It took us almost the whole day but we got her things set up. We hang up her awards with mine and soon enough it looked like home. I give the guys some beers and let them hang out in appreciation for their help. I kinda wanted to be alone with Jazz but it looked like I had the rest of my life for that. Plus she was always thankful when people helped out and she promised everyone dinner.

"You got a great girl" Ian Happ claims and I smile.

"I'm a lucky guy. She doesn't need anyone, never has never will. But I wouldn't want to be with anyone else" I insist.

She hands out the food she made and drinks and we play some music in the background. I sit with her under my arm as we just talk. She had work early tomorrow and I had work tomorrow too so the guys eventually leave. It gets late so we change and wash up before crawling into bed. Music still plays as we just lay there not saying a word.

"Yeah, I'd rather be a lover than a fighter (fighter)
'Cause all my life, I've been fighting
Never felt a feeling of comfort, oh
And all this time, I've been hiding
And I never had someone to call my own, oh nah
I'm so used to sharing
Love only left me alone
But I'm at one with the silence

I found peace in your violence
Can't tell me there's no point in trying
I'm at one, and I've been quiet for too long

I found peace in your violence
Can't tell me there's no point in trying
I'm at one, and I've been silent for too long
I've been quiet for too long
I've been quiet for too long"

"Where did you hear this song" I wonder. She hadn't played it before but it sounded new so she had to find it recently.

"I was just listening to the radio and this song came on. I connected to it, I felt like they were my lyrics. I always want to be a lover, not a fighter. But all I've been doing my whole entire life is fighting. I never wanted to fight, I just wanted to help. I wanted to be that captain America type of solider where I stood for the betterment of the nation. I never felt comfort or peace when I wore that uniform. I was isolated on my own filled with nothing but pain and... and silence. So quiet I couldn't hear my screams to be free from the isolation. From the separation from who I was and who I wanted to be" she explains.

"This song has a strong message" I agree.

"That it does. And it's not just about international conflict, it's about internal conflict, civil conflict, any time we try to find peace in a place where peace does not yet exist" she explains.

"I found peace in your violence
Can't tell me there's no point in trying
I'm at one, and I've been quiet for too long

I'm in need of a savior (savior), but I'm not asking for favors
My whole life, I've felt like a burden
I think too much, and I hate it
I'm so used to being in the wrong, I'm tired of caring
Loving never gave me a home, so I'll sit here in the silence

I found peace in your violence
Can't tell me there's no point in trying
I'm at one, and I've been quiet for too long

I found peace in your violence
Can't tell me there's no point in trying
I'm at one, and I've been silent for too long
I've been quiet for too long
I've been quiet for too long

I found peace in your violence
Can't tell me there's no point in trying
I'm at one, and I've been quiet for too long."

I pull her into my chest as tight as I can. Just enough that it would be impossible for me to let her go. I know she's worried about moving in. About not having control of every aspect of her life. But this is the first step away from her life being controlled by the army. They can't force her to move or be someplace she doesn't see as a home. She had a home, here, in my arms. And I wasn't ever going to let her go.

"You know you don't have to be silent anymore, right? I'm here for whatever, not just the easy things. I know moving is hard and it happens quickly so if you want to talk, you can talk to me" I insist.

"Thank you" is all she says as she reaches up. She cups my cheek before pulling herself closer.

"For what" I wonder.

"Your love has given me the strength to do things I wouldn't be able to do otherwise. Even if it's hard, even if I'm scared, I know I have you and that's good enough for me" she promises.

"You wouldn't do anything just because I think you should, right" I question.

"No offense, but no, I wouldn't. I respect you and your ideas and your wishes. But while I was stuck in the silence of the violence in the world I found myself. I know my morals and I stand by them no matter what" she insists.

"Good" I smile.