Through Thick and Thin (Anthony Rizzo)

3 AM Talks

Jazmyn

I had been spending the night at Anthony's place whenever he was in town. At first it was a accident, we were just hanging out and I fell asleep at his place, but after a while it was on purpose. In the long run it gave us those few extra moments of peace and quiet together, something I've been longing for for the longest time. Just moments with him where nothing special is happening, but I was still happy because I could feel him near me. He was right next to me and I didn't have to wonder what he was doing, because I finally knew.

Sleeping together also helped with my nightmares. No, they're not gone and no, I don't ever get more than five hours of sleep a night, but I do get some sleep most nights. And the nightmares haven't been enough to give me anxiety about sleeping so I was getting better. The bad stuff was starting to get kicked out of my brain and the good was about to come out. For every bad memory there was a good one too and now I just have to hope that my subconscious picks a good one.

But it's still hard for me to close my eyes and not let the darkness consume me. To see the light when there's so much darkness around me. And I know that this is something I'm going to have to deal with the rest of my life. No matter where I go or what I do my mind will always drift off to those dark places where I felt so low I never thought I would get out of it. Especially when I'm asleep and I have no control over what goes on in my brain.

Sometimes that's harder of a pill to swallow because I feel like I should be happy. I want, so bad, to feel happy. I have every reason in the world to love my life the way it is right now. And I know I'm blessed in a lot of ways, I'm not going to take that for granted. But I feel sad, I feel down, I feel like no matter what I do I'm not enough. It's this feeling I get in my chest like there's a thousand pounds sitting on it. Even though I know that's not true I still can't help but feel like there's more I could do. More I could be despite what I've already done.

So I sneak out of Anthony's bed around 3 in the morning and grab one of his shirts to cover up with. I walk out to the living room and stand by the ceiling to floor windows before sitting down right in front of it. I cross my legs and set my hands in my lap before letting a long sigh pass my lips.

A lot of people are afraid of heights such as being up here with floor to ceiling glass windows, but I'm not lucky enough to have those kinds of fears. The ones that stop you from doing things you shouldn't be doing. What stops us from hurting people, from hurting ourselves, I don't have that anymore.

I used to feel guilt. I felt awful for what I was doing even if it was the right thing to do. But eventually the guilt goes away, and so does everything else you feel. All of the sudden you feel nothing, you're numb to what you're doing. To what people are doing to you too. Then you look up and you're isolated yourself from your problems and everything else and you feel so all alone.

That feeling I was talking about, it stays in your chest, it burns like a fire and it doesn't seem to ever go out. You get over the burns, eventually, but the scars are left and you still feel them. Even if you don't see them... you still feel them.

I suddenly hear some rustling and I turn around to see Anthony coming out of the bedroom slowly. He had his whole comforter draped over his shoulders as he shuffles his feet over to me. He plops down on the floor before lifting his arm up and pulling him into me. I rest my head on his bare chest as I keep my stare in the city. It's a lot more lively now than it was my first days here. But I love coming to the window and watching the city life, it's like a new movie every night. Sometimes I imagine it's the olden days and the police are chasing gangsters around the city. And when I see a light turn off in a apartment I pretend like it's a old man done with his painting and going to go join his wife in bed after fifty years of being together.

"Did you not put clothes on before you came out here" I ask Anthony.

"Nope" he mumbles almost half asleep.

"Anthony we don't have blinds up here" I remind him.

"No one can see me up this high" he claims.

"There's other buildings around here that are just as tall as this one. They can't see you on the street but they can see you from the other apartments" I say.

"Well... I hope no one else is up and had their phone in their hands" he admits.

"I wish I had that simple way of thinking" I chuckle.

"Is your noggin not letting you sleep again" he asks before letting out a big yawn.

"I guess that's one way of saying it" I giggle.

"I'm sorry baby. I know it's hard on you to be so tired but not be able to sleep. Is there anything I can do for you" he questions.

"You got a time machine" I ask him making him laugh.

"I wish. Because if I did I would go swoop you up as soon as you turned 18 and we would have spent 80 years together" he claims.

"That's a mighty long time" I admit.

"Sometimes it doesn't feel like long enough" he admits.

"Can you keep talking to me? It gets my mind off things and it helps" I insist.

"Of course baby" he assures me.

So we sit there for two hours and just talk. Not that we don't usually talk, but something about those 3 am late night talks about seemingly nothing is what's best for your soul.

"What's something you've wanted to do and haven't been able to because you were over seas" he asks me.

"Where do I start" I sigh. "I want to go to a concert more than anything. I love music and to be able to be at one with it would be a lot of fun. I want to go to someplace fancy, like Paris or Japan, far away from any troubles I know. I want to help other veterans like me find their happily ever afters" I explain.

"This is your happily ever after" he wonders.

"You are" I assure him as he smiles.